Interview: Satan Is Proud of Mankind
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: Satan Is Proud of Mankind

Hell, January 2025 — In an exclusive interview conducted in the fiery depths of the Underworld, Lucifer - who, strangely, insisted to be called "Luce" - sat down with our reporter for a candid chat about his newfound leisure. Sporting a Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut with a tiny umbrella in it, Satan seemed surprisingly relaxed. "It’s been great," he said with a smug grin, adjusting his aviators. "Honestly, humans have outdone themselves.…
White Angry Robot Toy on Round Black Table
Posted inBreaking News Politics

Breaking: New AI Can Lie, Gaslight and Mansplain; Is Elected President

History took a turn and maybe not for the best, or not for the worst, analysts aren't quite sure yet: the latest artificial intelligence, dubbed "MAGAtron", has taken the entire world by storm. Built by a team of subversive rogue tech bros and funded by a suspiciously large donation from an unnamed social media tycoon (formerly Twitter), MAGAtron has perfected the trifecta of modern leadership: lying, gaslighting and mansplaining. Propelled by its disproportionate ego, its…
Wrestler jumping on ring
Posted inBreaking News Education Politics

Breaking: Wrestling Enters Classroom in New Education Reform

Education Gets Pinned The authorities' latest move seems more inspired by a misguided midlife crisis than actual benevolence as professional wrestling has been introduced to the education system under the banner “Chokesmart and Brainbuster.” The initiative, touted as a revolutionary way to boost student engagement and discipline, blends academic lessons with the high-energy chaos of a wrestling ring. The premise is simple: if students won’t pay attention to lectures, maybe they’ll tune in when their…
Woman protester holding sign in front of a camera
Posted inInterview Lifestyle Politics

Interview: White Man Doesn’t See the Problem with Patriarchy

Local White Man Sets Record Straight, Confirms World’s Been Fine All Along Robert Brooks, 47, a white man describing himself as “more of a big-picture thinker”, bravely declared his steadfast belief that patriarchy is “probably blown out of proportion” and “not something we really need to be fussed about.” Speaking from his cushy leather armchair in the "man cave" he mostly furnished himself, Brooks generously took time out of his rigorous day of scrolling Twitter…
White man drinking coffee and sitting on an armchair
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: White Man Doesn’t Believe in Systemic Racism

"Systemic racism? Come on, buddy. That's just a buzzword," begins 47 year-old Robert Brooks, who swears he's cracked the code on what he calls "this modern hysteria." Robert is, in appearance, an average guy: khaki trousers, a fleece jacket and an arsenal of "facts" derived from his Facebook feed. Today, Robert wants the world to know that, despite mountains of evidence, systemic racism simply doesn’t exist. "It's just the latest trend, isn't it?" he scoffs,…
White thermostat hanging on the wall
Posted inBreaking News Politics Tech & Science

Breaking: Scientists Decrease Thermometers by 3 Degrees, Solve Climate Change

Scientists worldwide have collectively agreed to lower thermometers by a cool 3 degrees Celsius, or 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, you read right: climate change, that annoying little apocalypse in the making, waiting around the corner, has finally been solved without any carbon tax or renewable energy. The answer? Just fiddle with the numbers. The Initiative Dubbed "Thermal Savings," this bold initiative is set to take effect in a few months, right on time for the…
The clock of the Big Ben building
Posted inInterview Lifestyle Politics

Local Man Refuses to Switch to Winter Time, Declares War on “Big Clock”

This is an act of rebellion that nobody would have ever thought witnessing: Greg Allen, a 42-year-old accountant from Milwaukee, has announced that he will no longer be participating in the biannual ritual of adjusting clocks for Daylight Saving Time. While most Americans and Europeans set their clocks back last weekend, getting their hour back after trading it in the name of tradition and proven useless energy-saving measures, Greg remains defiantly on “his own schedule,”…
Wooden Interior of a Courthouse
Posted inBreaking News Politics

Breaking: Ministry of Propaganda Declares 100% Approval Rating After Polling Themselves

In a groundbreaking display of public confidence, the Ministry of Propaganda of a country who chose to remain anonymous announced today a flawless 100% approval rating for the current government. The survey, conducted internally by ministry officials, has been described as the "most accurate and unbiased poll ever conducted," according to sources within the Ministry, most of which created the poll. Truth Enhancement and Unanimous Support The poll results, gathered through what is being hailed…
Hands holding planet Earth
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: God is Disappointed (and Kind of Over It)

In a rare and slightly awkward celestial press conference, God, the Almighty Creator, agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview to address His ongoing thoughts about humanity and Earth in general. With over a few millennia of watching things unfold, it seems the divine patience has been pushed to its holy limit. "It’s not like I expected perfection," God admitted, rubbing His temples as if an eternity of listening to human prayers had finally…
Red space invader alien on a yellow brick wall
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: Abducted by Aliens, They Brought Him Back Because He Was Annoying.

In what experts are calling the "most underwhelming alien abduction in history," local man Trevor Dullard, 37, claims he was abducted by extraterrestrial beings last Thursday night. However, in a twist no one saw coming - except maybe his wife - the aliens returned Trevor to Earth within just two hours, citing that he was, in their words, “insufferably annoying.” "I thought I was chosen, you know? Special,” Trevor told us, wearing his Star Wars…