As the clock and calendar are getting dangerously close to January 1st, midnight, billions of people worldwide are drafting eerily familiar lists of New Year’s resolutions, a.k.a. the exact same ones they’ve optimistically written, ignored and forgotten for more than a decade, as is tradition. From unrealistic fitness goals to improbable career changes, humanity is gearing up for its annual festival of ambition, denial and inevitable failure.
The Universal Resolution Recycle: A Tradition of Futility
Experts have noted a distinct pattern in the global approach to New Year’s resolutions, dubbing it the “Resolution Recycle.” Popular promises such as “exercise more,” “eat healthier”, “travel the world” or its diametrically opposite “save money,” have topped the charts every year since researchers first started tracking people’s empty self-promises.
“It’s as if people think writing it down will magically make it happen,” said sociologist Dr. Lucy Oppenheimer. “Well let me tell you this: it won’t. You’d think people would have learned by now but no, they do it anyway, like clockwork.”
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Gyms and Health Food Stores (Temporarily) Rejoice
January 1st marks the beginning of the most profitable month of the year for fitness centers and organic food brands, with millions signing up for memberships and buying products they will enthusiastically abandon by February due to them tasting like unpalatable cardboard.
“I love January,” said Martyn Bradley, influencer and owner of a local gym. “It’s when people flood in with big dreams and no follow-through, except on Instagram. By mid-January, I can start renting out the unused equipment for storage again.”
Kale farmers also anticipate a temporary sales boom. “We’re fully stocked for the New Year rush,” said one farmer, “but we know most of it will rot in the fridge while people order takeout instead. Can’t blame them though, that stuff really tastes like regret.”
Read also: Guide: The Myths of Healthy Eating
A Moment of Reflection and Delusion
The Resolution Recycle has its roots in humanity’s enduring belief in self-improvement, despite overwhelming evidence that mankind is biologically incapable of it. This moment of collective delusion is seen by psychologists as essential to mental health.
“Resolutions give people a sense of control over their lives,” said Dr. Emma Jones, a leading expert in the field. “Even if they abandon those goals by January 3rd, they’ve experienced a fleeting sense of empowerment. That counts for something.”
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Bold Claims in Progress
As the final hours of 2024 tick away, people are taking to social media to share their lofty goals with anyone willing to listen. Common declarations include:
- “This is the year I finally get abs.”
- “I’m going to read 12 books this year.”
- “I’ll finally quit sugar.”
“People’s lust for their next dopamine fix, limited attention span and tremendous excuse-making skills will certainly show once again that these are all wishful thinking.” Dr. Jones declares, sternly.
But some are taking a more innovative approach. Local man Carl Menendez has declared 2025 the “Year of Doing Nothing New.” “I’m done lying to myself,” he said. “This year, I’m committing to being the exact same lazy sack of crap I’ve always been. It’s honest, and frankly, refreshing. No more of this self-improvement nonsense! Honestly I’m beyond saving. If it had to happen, it would already have.”
Read also: Guide: Willpower and Your Lack Thereof
The Cycle Continues
As humanity prepares for another year of failed aspirations, one thing remains certain: resolutions are more about the fantasy of transformation than actual change. But perhaps that’s the point.
“New Year’s resolutions are like fireworks,” said cultural critic Deandra Hopkins. “They’re loud, flashy and totally pointless, but for a brief moment, they make you feel like anything is possible.”
And so, as the world hurtles toward 2025, billions will once again grab their notebooks and pens, scribble down their hopes and dreams, and confidently stride into the new year… before promptly forgetting it all by February while wondering when that salad they ate on January 4th will finally kick in and give them their coveted six pack and ironclad health.
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