Derek “The Tank” Johnson, the man who shook the scientific world with his discovery of the “Fleximus Prime” muscle, has once again turned the gym reality upside-down as he announced his retirement from bodybuilding, claiming he has “completed” the sport. “That’s it, boys,” Derek claimed, standing proudly on the calf raise machine. “I’ve lifted every weight there is; I’m done! Mission accomplished!”
The declaration came after a marathon session in which Derek allegedly benched in the gym’s leg press machine, curled every kettlebells and deadlifted in the smith machine, which The Tank described as “disgraceful but necessary.”
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All the Weights. Every Single One.
For weeks, Johnson has been on a one-man crusade to dominate every weight at his local gym, the very same facility where his mythical Fleximus Prime muscle first made its grand debut. Witnesses report seeing Derek systematically work his way through the gym, starting with the humble 5-pound dumbbells before tackling every plate, rogue cable machines and even the gym’s front desk counter.
“It was terrifying,” said gym manager Sheila Gainsworth. “One day, Derek was repping out dumbbell curls like any normal bro around here, and the next, he was trying to bench-press a vending machine. He even tried to lift the lockers before I begged him to stop. He said, ‘Nothing gets left behind.’ I didn’t believe him at first but he was serious. I mean, the guy was benching in the leg-press machine while leg-pressing. Who does that?” a visibly shaken Gainsworth added, before Derek’s proud answer: “Well, me! I do that!”
A Legacy of More Than Lifting
The bodybuilding world has been left in more disarray than when powerlifter Trevor Winslow squatted in the rack reserved for curls at the Planet Gains Fitness Center. Experts wonder what comes next for the man who already gave us the Fleximus Prime – a muscle so mysterious that anatomists are still arguing over its location. “It’s in the realm of myth now,” said Dr. Lina Spindle, who initially studied Derek’s extra muscle. “We’ll never see another Tank. Partly because no one else consumes that much pre-workout without combusting but mostly because the guy’s too much of a legend.”
Critics, however, have labeled Derek’s retirement as premature. “Lifting all the weights?” scoffed Dave Gainsbury, Derek’s longtime rival and now part-time philosopher. “That’s like saying you ate all the protein. Impossible. But hey, let him enjoy his delusion. Maybe he can retire and invent another muscle.”
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What’s Next for The Tank?
Now that Derek Johnson has “finished bodybuilding”, he is aiming to conquer cardio by running every possible distance. “It’s simple,” Derek said, holding a clipboard filled with scribbled numbers. “If there’s a distance that can be measured, I’ll run it. One foot, two feet, a mile, 1.01 miles, everything – even kilometers! Once I’ve done them all, cardio’s finished.”
His approach is arguably bizarre but methodical. Witnesses have already reported seeing Derek running erratic zigzags in parks, stopping abruptly to check his GPS watch. “People think cardio is endless, but they’re just not trying hard enough,” Derek explained. “You’ve got to take it one step at a time – and I mean it literally. I’m logging every inch and at that rate I can see myself finishing cardio in 4 to 5 months. It’s almost too easy!”
Critics have questioned the practicality of his plan and expressed concerns regarding doing that much cardio but Derek is unfazed. “Haters don’t understand,” he said, flexing mid-interview. “Once I’ve run every single distance, cardio has nothing left for me. I’ll hang up my sneakers knowing I’ve done it all. Who knows what will be left after that.”
Despite this farewell, fans are skeptical Derek will stay out of the gym. At overhead press time, he was reportedly spotted at a local hardware store, running up and down the aisles while curling industrial-grade chains, muttering “Maybe I can invent new weights?”
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