Hell, January 2025 — In an exclusive interview conducted in the fiery depths of the Underworld, Lucifer – who, strangely, insisted to be called “Luce” – sat down with our reporter for a candid chat about his newfound leisure. Sporting a Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut with a tiny umbrella in it, Satan seemed surprisingly relaxed.
“It’s been great,” he said with a smug grin, adjusting his aviators. “Honestly, humans have outdone themselves. Wars, environmental destruction, political corruption, reality TV… Why would I lift a finger? You guys could actually teach me a thing or two!”
Climate Change
When pressed about his involvement in the environmental crisis, the Prince of Darkness chuckled. “Oh, don’t give me credit for that. Climate change is all you, mate! I mean, I suggested over-consumption once to Marie-Antoinette, she didn’t really get it but you guys still blew past ‘greed’ and went straight into ‘planetary suicide.’
You’re burning forests for burgers, killing off species faster than that useless sack of blessings up there can name them and you’re poisoning your own water supplies for a quick buck. Bravo!” He raised his coconut mockingly. “And the best part? You know it’s happening and you still do nothing. You just watch it play out. Classic!”
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Satan’s Favorite Human Invention
Lucifer expressed particular delight at humanity’s ability to turn even the smallest inconveniences into moral outrages. “You’ve got people arguing over pineapple on pizza like it’s a religious war! Do you know how efficient that is? I used to have to whisper temptations into people’s ears and send demons to possess German girls – actual demons! Do you have an idea how expensive they are? But now you’ve created algorithms to do my job for me. AI is like my dream intern. It’s evil on autopilot that learns from the best of the worst, plus bots spreading misinformation, influencers creating toxic standards… chef’s kiss. Perfection!”
He paused to light a cigar that emitted a cloud of brimstone. “Oh, and let’s not forget cancel culture or social justice! That’s a stroke of genius: Instead of working together to solve problems, you destroy each other over a rainbow and some tweets from 2013. I genuinely couldn’t have come up with something that petty and effective.”
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Healthcare
Satan’s grin widened when discussing humanity’s handling of health crises. “The way you turned public health into a political battlefield? Brilliant. Masks, vaccines, basic science? Nope, not for you! You prefer injecting yourself bleach and eat horse dewormer rather than listening to doctors, common sense or washing your hands. I couldn’t even have pitched that idea in Hell without being laughed out of the room.”
He shook his head in a whisper of admiration. “And the way pharmaceutical companies and health insurances profit off people’s suffering? That’s top-tier evil, mate. I would’ve handed out the blueprint for that scam for free, but you figured it out yourselves. You guys are legends!”
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Wealth Inequality and Corporate Greed
The Devil leaned forward, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “Oh and about the way you’ve let a handful of people hoard all the wealth while millions starve? Sublime. Trickle-down economics? That’s just… wow. I was a bit drunk when I came up with it and never thought anyone would buy that nonsense, but you’ve proven me wrong. Billionaires racing to space while their workers have to pee in bottles during their uninterrupted 15-hour shift? Pure poetry.”
Oh and the whole tax evasion thing! I mean, the basic concept was horrendous enough already but you’ve managed to take it even a step further. I mean, I thought hoarding wealth was pretty good by itself, but actively working on screwing everyone else and making it a job in and off itself – that’s what I call innovation. I love it!
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Satan’s Guilty Pleasure
Satan admitted he’s been thoroughly entertained by humanity’s obsession with distraction. “I was barely involved in reality TV and honestly I regret it. ‘Love Island,’ ‘Keeping Up with the Kardashians,’ and now TikTok challenges where people hurt themselves for Internet points? It’s like watching evolution going backwards.”
“Oh and modern cinema, of course!” he snorted, “I had a plan to rot brains with airborne parasitic worms but Sharknado and your endless Marvel multiverse nonsense did the trick just fine. Well played, Hollywood. Well played.”
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Satan’s Final Thoughts
When asked what he plans to do with all his free time, Luce shrugged. “Thinking of taking up pottery, or maybe join a book club. Do you know how many classic novels I’ve missed while stirring up trouble? I’m curious what made anyone believe I could be wearing Prada.”
Despite his apparent retirement, Satan reassured our reporter that he’s still keeping an eye on humanity. “Oh, don’t you worry,” he said, leaning back in his throne of molten rock. “You guys have a reputation of screwing everything you touch so I’m keeping an eye on you but so far, humans have become the villains of their own story and I have to say, I’m impressed. Proud, even.”
As the interview concluded, Satan waved us off with a flaming hand. “Keep it up, guys! At this rate, Hell’s gonna feel like a vacation home. Cheers!”
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