Guide: Become an Alpha Male

So, you want to become an alpha male? The man so powerful he once won an argument with himself? The kind of specimen that doesn’t cry, doesn’t apologize and absolutely does not eat yogurt because “it’s a beta food”? Then you’re at the right place. Now you have a choice: either you pay 18k for a 3-day “bootcamp” or you read this guide and venmo me later. Still here? Perfect. Now strap in, nerd, because I’m about to spoon-feed you the steps to turning your soft, emotionally-aware, empathetic beta self into the sort of testosterone-drenched creature who calls his own reflection “bro.”

Step 1: Refuse Help

Alright, you soggy bowl of underachieving muesli, listen up, this is important. Alpha males do not accept help. Ever. If your arms are full, your legs are cramping and you’re bleeding from the eyebrow, it’s good. That’s where you thrive. Assistance is for yogis and people who drink oat milk. Carrying twelve grocery bags at once? That’s not a challenge, that’s Tuesday for you now. You drop one, you kick it home. No excuse! Someone offers to lend a hand? Chuckle and ask “From you?” with a raised eyebrow. Make them feel awkward and most importantly make them question their place in the food chain.

Alphaness starts with one principle: you carry your own burden. Physically, emotionally, metaphorically. Shin splint mid-squat? Tape it to the other one and finish the set. Help is for the weak, the old and people with ergonomic chairs. You? You bleed alone, cry internally and lift everything with one arm if the other is busy.

The moment you accept help, you’ve surrendered a piece of your soul to the beta gods of convenience.

Read also: Guide: You Have No Common Sense

Step 2: Speak Exclusively in Soundbites

Alpha males almost never speak in full sentences. Every utterance should sound like it belongs on a T-shirt sold exclusively at the gym checkout counter to people who pretend they benched 4 plates “in their prime”.

Examples for your beta brain:

“Hustle. Eat. Conquer.”
“Sleep is for the sheep.2
“Weakness? Never met her.”
“Iron is my therapy.”

Remember, you’re not having conversations, you’re broadcasting alpha vibrations. Let the betas form “emotional connections” or have “healthy relationships with their fathers”. You don’t need that. You have much more important things to do, like counting reps and building empires.

Read also: Guide: Mansplaining

Step 3: Animal Protein Is Religion

Now pay attention, twatface. Alpha maleness means you will have to do some serious work on your food intake. Salad, quinoa, kale? Forget it, this doesn’t exist for you anymore. If it didn’t have a face or come from something that did, do not eat it. Leave it to poetry majors and vegans; you need alpha fuel. This includes but is not limited to:

Chicken breasts so dry they double as roofing material
Beef so rare it’s still mooing
Eggs, any kind: raw, boiled, scrambled, snorted, doesn’t matter.
Whey protein shakes made with tears of soyboys

Feeling snackish? Jerky, bro. And not those sugar-laced, teriyaki wanksticks or whatever the wannabe alphas eat these days. You get the driest, toughest, meanest meat you can find. If you don’t get muscle soreness in your masseter, it’s not alpha and you’re risking testicle atrophy. Oh, and don’t you dare touch tofu unless you’re slapping it away of a vegan’s hands. You want to be alpha? Worship animal protein like it’s your god.

Bonus alpha points if you blend it all and drink it from a beer mug while staring into the mirror and flexing your jawline.

Step 4: Reject All Forms of Emotional Maturity

Alright, wombat, it’s time to purge every last trace of emotional growth from your frail, beta soul. Alpha males don’t do feelings. Emotions are for people who have a skin care routine and shave their armpits. That being said, alpha males do not:

Apologize
Cry (only acceptable if you missed a rep on PR day)
Say “I’m proud of you”
Communicate. If someone says “we need to talk,” just reply “Do we?” and stare them back down into submission.

Affection? That’s an excuse for weakness. Stop it. Alpha affection is shown through:

Backslaps, the harder the better
Dominant nods that turn into staring contests
Surprise chest bumps
Negging. And not just for dating, it works with your mates too. If he buys a new shirt, tell him it makes him look like a divorced geography teacher. Doesn’t matter if the shirt fits him or not, if you’re not the one wearing it, it’s beta.

Remember: emotional intelligence is for therapists, and the only therapy you need is the gym. You don’t process emotions, you superset them. Anxiety? Deadlift it. Feeling sad? Bench it until your sternum cracks from the weight of your own repressed feelings. Depression? Drop set it until it taps out. Therapy couches are for people who floss. Real men heal through gains, whey and creatine.

Step 5: Constantly Quote Dead Blokes

Now if you want to really sweat alphaness, you will need ancient knowledge, and who’s better at ancient knowledge than ancient alpha philosophers? Don’t be scared, you won’t need to read anything, it doesn’t matter if you only know them from Instagram or if you completely made it up. Try this, for example:

“As Marcus Aurelius once said: ‘The weak wait, the strong act.’”

He didn’t say that. You just made it up, but it doesn’t matter. Sounds smart. Sounds Latin. Sounds like it could’ve been carved on a marble statue with abs. Who’s going to challenge you? A classics professor? That’s what I thought. Anything goes! You’re the alpha, you can blurt out any nonsense and get away with it. More fake quotes for your arsenal:

“Sun Tzu wrote, ‘When training for the battlefield, the test is in the mirror.’”
“Epictetus taught us that pain is temporary, but failure is forever.”
“Plato once said, ‘Only the disciplined may feast.’”

Complete bullcrap, I know, but slap it on a black background with your face half in shadow and it’s gospel. Throw in a lion for no reason and now you’ve got content that screams alpha overlord. Bonus tip: always follow up your quote with “look it up, bro.” That’s how you end arguments and assert dominance.

Step 6: Find Your Niche

Now that you have the basics nailed down, it’s time to up your game. Every alpha needs a niche, a shtick, something that makes you stand out among the thousands of motivational grunters. You’re not just another anonymous dweebo anymore. You’re a brand. A personality cult waiting to happen. Here are some suggestions for you:

The discipline guy: Never smile again, talk only about 4AM wake-ups and say “comfort is a lie” every sixteen minutes.
The cold shower prophet: Break your boiler and start every video with a shot of you in an ice bath looking in the distance like you’re having hypothermia-induced hallucinations.
The anti-feminist: Misquote Simone de Beauvoir to fit your agenda, wear sunglasses indoors and ignore women while calling them a “distraction from purpose.”
The crypto bro: Invest in fake money, lose all your money, but never admit defeat. Just say “It’s a lesson.”
The carnivore life coach: Eat raw giblets, scream “Inflammation is weakness” and pretend scurvy is a lie from Big Pharma.

The niche doesn’t matter. What matters is total commitment to the bit: Post several times daily, build a slogan, start using your own name in the third person, sell t-shirts, refer to your diet as a “protocol”, build a course no one asked for and name it something like “Warrior Mind: Phase One.” The point is, once you’ve got your niche, ride it like a stolen bike, never break character, even when confronted with facts and reason. Just double down. You call the shots now.

Step 7: Arise in the Manosphere

This is your final teaching, you wet anxiety fart. Step aside from the normie beta herd and prepare to ascend. This isn’t just lifting weights and grunting at salad. This is serious. This is your awakening, your digital rebirth into the glorious echo chamber of the manosphere.

First things first: delete humility. It’s a parasite. Replace it with a God complex and the unwarranted confidence of the stereotypical boomer. From now on, every opinion you have is absolute truth backed by a YouTube short, a dead philosopher you’ve never read and a suspiciously edited podcast segment that ends in “and that’s why men were born to lead.”

Next, start posting content like your testosterone depends on it. Instagram? Post your jawline. Twitter? Argue with strangers about traditional values. TikTok? Stitch a video of a woman existing and respond with “this is exactly what’s wrong with society” while staring into the camera like you’re solving world hunger with your pupils.

You’ll know you’re rising when:

Dudes start calling you “brother” in DMs
Women start stitching your videos to mock you (this is good, its engagement and another proof that you’re right)
You invent a phrase like “masculine frame retention” and people actually quote it

Start your own little sect and call it a “movement,” make a logo that looks vaguely mystical, speak with the confidence of someone who’s spent too much time sitting at the peak of the Dunning-Kruger curve and now thinks they’re an oracle. Say things like “The sleepers shall awaken” and “Truth fears no mirror,” while maintaining an overfocused gaze, like you’re trying to use the Force. Just don’t forget: The manosphere isn’t a place, it’s a state of mind. It’s a digital jungle where you either become a prophet or get ratioed by a 19-year-old sociology freshman, and you’re here to conquer!

Your initiation is now over. Welcome to the manosphere, gluteface. You’re home.

Graduation

Congratulations you wart, you’ve made it to the end! You’re pretty much an alpha male now, or at least a convincing parody of one. Just remember: puff your chest like a pigeon on steroids, never admit you were ever wrong, and treat life like a death match where emotions are for losers and vulnerability is a sign you once hugged your dad.

But don’t get it twisted, the real secret isn’t in lifting heavy things or screaming at salad. No, it’s about walking into a every room like you own it. Confidence is just ignorance with a better posture so speak in motivational quotes, never blink during eye contact and mansplain everyone into submission.

Now go forth, my dear baboon, and alpha your way into the world. It is yours now.

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