Man squatting heavy weight
Posted inInterview Sports & Fitness

Man Finishes Bodybuilding: ‘I Lifted All the Weights’

Derek “The Tank” Johnson, the man who shook the scientific world with his discovery of the “Fleximus Prime” muscle, has once again turned the gym reality upside-down as he announced his retirement from bodybuilding, claiming he has “completed” the sport. “That’s it, boys,” Derek claimed, standing proudly on the calf raise machine. “I’ve lifted every weight there is; I'm done! Mission accomplished!” The declaration came after a marathon session in which Derek allegedly benched in…
Woman protester holding sign in front of a camera
Posted inInterview Lifestyle Politics

Interview: White Man Doesn’t See the Problem with Patriarchy

Local White Man Sets Record Straight, Confirms World’s Been Fine All Along Robert Brooks, 47, a white man describing himself as “more of a big-picture thinker”, bravely declared his steadfast belief that patriarchy is “probably blown out of proportion” and “not something we really need to be fussed about.” Speaking from his cushy leather armchair in the "man cave" he mostly furnished himself, Brooks generously took time out of his rigorous day of scrolling Twitter…
businessman sitting and using a computer with a stern look
Posted inBusiness Interview

Interview: Man Explains How to Look Busy at Work Without Doing Anything

We had the rare pleasure of sitting down with Trevor Higgins, a man who’s somehow made a thriving career out of looking like he’s holding the office together while doing absolutely nothing. Sitting in his faux-cluttered cubicle, Trevor smirks like someone who’s got the game all figured out. And maybe he has. Let's find out how he explains the intricate art of workplace slacking. "Look, it’s dead simple,” he begins, leaning back in his chair…
White man drinking coffee and sitting on an armchair
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: White Man Doesn’t Believe in Systemic Racism

"Systemic racism? Come on, buddy. That's just a buzzword," begins 47 year-old Robert Brooks, who swears he's cracked the code on what he calls "this modern hysteria." Robert is, in appearance, an average guy: khaki trousers, a fleece jacket and an arsenal of "facts" derived from his Facebook feed. Today, Robert wants the world to know that, despite mountains of evidence, systemic racism simply doesn’t exist. "It's just the latest trend, isn't it?" he scoffs,…
Black and White Portrait of Man with Catrina Makeup
Posted inInterview Lifestyle

Interview: Man Refuses to Wear Costume, Claims He’s ‘Already Dead Inside’

Hell, Michigan - This Halloween season, locals are perplexed by one among them who stands alone in his steadfast rejection of costumes, citing an unexpectedly bleak reason. Meet Stuart Grimbley, 34-year-old, who has become a viral sensation after declaring he’d skip the Halloween costume madness this year due to a simple fact: he's “already dead inside.” 'It's All Pointless' We caught up with Stuart, who agreed to an interview as long as it didn’t interfere…
The clock of the Big Ben building
Posted inInterview Lifestyle Politics

Local Man Refuses to Switch to Winter Time, Declares War on “Big Clock”

This is an act of rebellion that nobody would have ever thought witnessing: Greg Allen, a 42-year-old accountant from Milwaukee, has announced that he will no longer be participating in the biannual ritual of adjusting clocks for Daylight Saving Time. While most Americans and Europeans set their clocks back last weekend, getting their hour back after trading it in the name of tradition and proven useless energy-saving measures, Greg remains defiantly on “his own schedule,”…
Waiter taking the order of two men sitting at a table
Posted inBusiness Interview

Interview: We Found a Waiter Who Actually Likes the Job

In what can only be described as the most shocking news since someone decided kale was edible, we’ve found a rare gem in the dining underworld: a waiter who actually enjoys their job. That’s right, folks. Forget the eye rolls, the whispered curses in the kitchen and the silent prayers to just get through the shift. Kevin "Smiley" Johnson is a 25-year-old server at the Soggy Fork, where the ambiance is as lukewarm as the…
Black wolf on green grass
Posted inInterview Lifestyle

Interview With a Sigma Male: The Lone Wolf Who Doesn’t Need Society but Will Explain It to You Anyway

In a world brimming with “alpha” this and “beta” that, one man stands apart - not above, mind you, just apart. Meet Chadley Steele, a self-proclaimed "Sigma Male" who, as he’s keen to remind us, operates on a plane so transcendent that society itself is irrelevant to his existence. Naturally, we had to hear from the man who thrives alone in the shadows, though apparently not too alone, given his robust presence on several internet…
Hands holding planet Earth
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: God is Disappointed (and Kind of Over It)

In a rare and slightly awkward celestial press conference, God, the Almighty Creator, agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview to address His ongoing thoughts about humanity and Earth in general. With over a few millennia of watching things unfold, it seems the divine patience has been pushed to its holy limit. "It’s not like I expected perfection," God admitted, rubbing His temples as if an eternity of listening to human prayers had finally…
Mosquito on human
Posted inHealth & Wellness Interview

Interview: The Mosquito That Annoys You Specifically Speaks Up

The mosquito that has been specifically targeting you this summer has finally come forward to break its silence. Known as Jim, this bloodsucking annoyance sat down for an exclusive interview and to explain why it’s been relentlessly buzzing around your head at 2 a.m., biting your ankles during Netflix binges and generally making your life a living nightmare. “I’ll be honest,” Jim began, sipping a drop of your blood from a tiny thimble, “it’s nothing…