As Christmas approaches, Santa Claus himself has confirmed that you, yes YOU, are officially on the Naughty List this year. The news broke earlier today when the big guy in red and white held a hastily arranged press conference at the North Pole, flanked by a squadron of grumpy elves and a visibly disappointed and judgemental Mrs. Claus.
“After extensive surveillance and a thorough review of your behavior during the year 2024,” Santa announced while shaking his snow-dusted head, “we regret to inform you that you have absolutely tanked it this year. No doubt possible. It’s not even close.”
When pressed for specifics, Santa revealed a grotesque rap sheet of misdemeanors including, but not limited to: sending cryptic posts on social media and leaving people who care on read, binge-watching an entire Netflix series while claiming you were “too busy” to answer texts and asking “so what’s the plan?” after being explained the plan several times already.
The Crime Wave of Mediocrity
Santa’s list of grievances didn’t stop there. Sources from inside the Naughty List Department allege you also:
- Consistently took more than 10 items into the “10 items or fewer” queue.
- Repeatedly used messaging apps’ voice message function to send a full-blown phone call.
- Left one sip of milk in the carton and returned it to the fridge.
- Left one piece of toilet paper so you weren’t “the one who finished it.”
- Muted and ignored group chats, answering only with “emoji reactions” and monosyllabic words.
- Lied about going to the gym when the only thing you lifted was a delivery driver’s sympathy for your questionable life choices.
“After 2023, the bar was so low for you this year, I don’t know how you did it. We expected nothing and you still managed to disappoint,” said Bernard, the Chief Accountability Elf. “Even Greg, over there, who spent the first 4 months of the year pretending to work while playing fantasy football and writing his ‘scenario’ still made it into the Nice List. But you? It’s like you didn’t understand the rules.”
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Santa’s Surveillance Upgrade
Santa’s sleigh finally being equipped with Bluetooth and heated seats wasn’t the only upgrade this year. Thanks to a collaboration with Big Tech, Santa’s Naughty List now operates on a state-of-the-art behavioral analysis system powered by AI that outputs disturbingly detailed reports of your digital footprint and search history.
“We caught you Googling ‘how to be more productive’ and purposely not following any of the advice given. You were just scrolling through social media for hours instead,” Santa revealed with a sigh. “As for what you posted there… I mean, sure, Reddit isn’t exactly the Buckingham Palace, but seriously? We both know you’re better than that!”
Between your dodgy search history, questionable online interactions and chronic procrastination, it’s safe to say that Santa’s digital dossier is crystal clear. “You’re practically a case study in self-sabotage,” Santa sighed.
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Reports of Indifference
Sources close to the North Pole reveal that the general public’s reaction to being placed on the Naughty List is… well, non-existent. When pressed on the lack of concern, Santa was visibly flustered. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to work,” he sputtered, adjusting his hat. “The Naughty List is meant to inspire a sense of reflection, maybe a smidge guilt, and introspective change. Instead, people just brush it off like it’s nothing and order their own stuff on Amazon without a single bit of shame. What is happening to the world?”
Chief Accountability Elf Bernard chimed in, “They’re treating it like some kind of badge of honor. I overheard someone say, ‘Santa thinks I’m naughty? Sounds like a him problem.’ A him problem! What does that even mean?” Reports from the workshop indicate that several high-profile names on the list, including influencers, tech bros and one particularly sassy PTA member, have started wearing their Naughty List status as a weird flex. One individual reportedly went so far as to buy a pair of pants with a “Naughty” inscription on the buttocks.
“Frankly, it’s insulting,” Santa grumbled. “I didn’t spend centuries cultivating this moral compass for it to be reduced to a meme.” When asked what he plans to do if indifference towards the Naughty List continues, Santa stared solemnly into the distance and muttered “Maybe Krampus had the right idea all along,”
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A Grim Outlook
As the fallout from Santa’s Naughty List announcement continues, the mood at the North Pole has taken a turn for the worse. According to insiders, Santa is now grappling with a crisis of confidence as it becomes clear that his once-unassailable authority is crumbling under the weight of modern apathy.
“This was supposed to be a wake-up call,” Santa confided in an unusually candid statement. “Instead, it feels like I’m shouting into the void. People used to fear the Naughty List, now they’re using it as their Tinder bio: ‘Slightly naughty hopeless romantic.’”
Experts warn that this indifference could have dire consequences for Christmas traditions as we know them. “If people don’t care about the Naughty List, what’s next?” asked Dr. Holly Jinglebottom, a North Pole sociologist. Santa himself hinted at darker days ahead. “If this trend continues,” he warned, “I might start outsourcing the Naughty List enforcement to Krampus full-time. At least he gets results.”
But for now, Santa is taking things day by day. “I’m not giving up,” he said with a forced smile. “But let me tell you, it’s hard to feel jolly when the world is slowly turning indifference into an Olympic discipline.”
The North Pole has confirmed that the Naughty List Department will undergo a full review in the new year. Rumors suggest Santa is considering introducing an AI-powered “Indifference Index” to rank individuals on how little they care about Christmas spirit, as early reports already indicate that this amount is indeed “very little.”
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