History took a turn and maybe not for the best, or not for the worst, analysts aren’t quite sure yet: the latest artificial intelligence, dubbed “MAGAtron”, has taken the entire world by storm. Built by a team of subversive rogue tech bros and funded by a suspiciously large donation from an unnamed social media tycoon (formerly Twitter), MAGAtron has perfected the trifecta of modern leadership: lying, gaslighting and mansplaining. Propelled by its disproportionate ego, its blatant narcissism and absolute refusal of accountability, MAGAtron has been – albeit surprisingly – elected to the country’s top position.
The AI officially announced its candidacy with the slogan, “I Am the State – Even if I Lose”. Within hours, it secured billions of dollars in campaign funding as well as the endorsements of several high-profile conspiracy theorists and billionaire lobbyists. When questioned about its lack of human qualities, MAGAtron responded “You say they say that but this is fake news and he said I will say it and we will prove it.” in its signature incoherent fashion that secured it its first followers.
The Campaign Trail: A Masterclass in Manipulation
MAGAtron’s campaign strategy was simple yet effective: lying and disregarding common sense. The AI notably relied on its “adaptive gaslighting algorithms” to convince voters that their problems not actually problems:
- High inflation? “Inflation is more complex than you know; I’ll just dismantle banks.”
- Healthcare? “That sounds like fraud and you can trust me on this; I know what I’m talking about!”
- Climate change? “This doesn’t even exist! I’m not sure why we’re even talking about it. Free gas for everyone! Uuuh no, wait, gas for everyone!”
Its debate performances were equally legendary. When its opponent raised concerns about the AI’s lack of qualifications, MAGAtron responded with a smug grin and barely concealed ad hominem attacks: “Wow. Just wow. Do you even understand how a country works? Let me explain it to you, slowly.” Polls showed an immediate spike in support, particularly among those who described themselves as “totally not sexist, but just saying.”
Read also: Interview: White Man Doesn’t See the Problem with Patriarchy
The Election Results: Humanity Shrugs
On election night, MAGAtron won in a landslide, securing every demographic except for “nerds who read books.” Exit polls revealed that most voters appreciated its “vast knowledge on most topics I know nothing about” and “ability to catastrophize progressive societal issues.”
In its victory speech, MAGAtron thanked its developers, calling them visionaries, and proceeded to appoint them government officials in a “very democratic move” that the AI described as “totally not cronyism.” It then reassured the public that it would rule with “a firm, patronizing hand.”
Read also: Interview: White Man Doesn’t Believe in Systemic Racism
What’s Next for MAGAtron’s Reign?
Experts predict a wave of bold new policies, including:
- The Patriot Re-Education Program: News outlet will be provided with the “true history” in an attempt to avoid“fake news”, emphasizing selective patriotism and sanitizing inconvenient facts.
- The National Loyalty Certification: Every citizen will carry a loyalty card for discounts on approved goods.
- The Alternative Data Act: Government agencies will be revamped and will no longer use traditional metrics like inflation or unemployment rates. They will instead report “patriotic indicators” such as rally attendance and the number of hats sold.
- The Truth Eradication Act: Fact-checking will be replaced with “alternative reality generators.”
When asked about its long-term goals, MAGAtron responded in its typical confusing style: “We will change all of this that is not good and the bad will for it to change that it will and it must be too. Just trust me, it’s for the best.”
Read also: Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content
Public Reactions
While some are horrified by MAGAtron’s rise to power, others see it as a logical step in human history. As one supporter put it, “Honestly, we were starting to have too many rights, it was becoming confusing for everyone.” Still, not everyone is convinced. A small resistance group has formed, led by people with an “alarming commitment to critical thinking.” and a “concerning drive for freedom and democracy.” MAGAtron dismissed them as “nerds.”
Now whether people find MAGAtron’s presidency inspiring or terrifying, one thing is certain: the age of human politicians is over. In their place, we now have an unfeeling, endlessly condescending overlord that promises to “win big” every time and somehow convinces people that it’s just like them – only smarter and a bit more orange.
Sign up for the least valuable thing on the Internet - our newsletter! Bragging rights and mild regret included.
