Liverpool, UK – The dire event has left the local pub’s early-morning crowd both amused and bewildered: local resident Gary “Gaz” Evans, 34, claims he has woken up on the set of Planet of the Apes “except it was real” after a “legendary” night out.
Witnesses report that Gaz stumbled out of the local pub at approximately 10:12 p.m. after “more than a skinful” and an unsuccessful attempt to convince the bar staff that he was “the chosen one” for a free pint offer. Dressed in what appeared to be a a pair of cargo shorts, an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt and one flip-flop, Gaz was then seen shouting, “Oi, this is it! They’re all monkeys now, boys!” before disappearing in a nearby shrubbery.
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‘The Planet Has Changed, Mate’
The brave explorer, who is best known locally for his spot-on impression of a traffic cone, later claimed he had been transported to a parallel universe where primates ruled over mankind. “I swear to the big man up, I saw ‘em, mate! Big, hairy buggers, walkin’ upright and givin’ me the stink eye,” he slurred to reporters who somehow got wind of this non-event.
“What do ya mean it’s ‘Tesco’? I’ve been there before, and it didn’t have no monkeys runnin’ it, alright? I mean, what do they know about discounts? They was wearin’ name tags, but like, how are they even typin’ on the registers with them big sausage hands, eh?” Evans explained, awkwardly miming the poor Tesco employees who had to face his sorry state.
Gaz was reportedly shocked to discover the ‘apes’ he had been trying to communicate with were actually elderly shoppers and the occasional teenager, who allegedly threw peanuts at him “for reasons unknown.” When approached by security, Gaz continued his outburst: “Listen, you can’t arrest me. I’ve read the book. We’re in a zoo, and they’re the zookeepers now.”
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A Cry For Help or Just Another Wednesday?
Local pub regulars, who know Gaz as “the bloke with the ‘Live, Laugh, Lager’ tattooed on his arm,” were not surprised by his antics. “Oh, it’s Gaz again? Last week he thought he was being hunted by the Predator when he stumbled into that garden centre and saw a big fern,” said one pub patron, barely holding back laughter. “The poor bastard’s dead from the neck up.”
“Honestly, he’s always tryin’ to turn everything into a conspiracy. Once, he got into a row with a pigeon ‘cause he said it was ‘part of the surveillance state and the vaccine thing didn’t work out.’ This monkey tripe’s just another chapter, innit?”
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Experts Weigh In
Behavioral psychologist Dr. Linda Chair explained, “It’s not uncommon for people under the influence to feel a sense of confusion or disorientation, especially when faced with unfamiliar stimuli, like an Aldi car park in the case of Mr. Evans. It’s likely his brain was in survival mode, and as such, he tried to make sense of his surroundings in the most unhinged way possible. Typical.”
Gaz’s mates, however, had their own theory. “Nah, he’s just a plonker,” remarked his best mate, Terry Heath, as he downed his second pint. “He’ll be back to normal by lunchtime, though. He always is. Either that or he’ll think he’s time-traveled back to the 1850s again. That was one really awkward Friday, I’m tellin’ ya.”
Gaz’s Final Words on the Matter
As police eventually escorted Gaz away from the scene with some difficulty, as he was holding onto the self-checkout machine yelling about “monkey overlords”, he offered one last statement to the public. “Listen, I’m just sayin’, if they take over, remember who warned ya! And if you see any big ones, don’t give ‘em bananas. They’ll take that as a sign of weakness.”
He was later released with another £90 fine to his collection for public drunkenness and advised by police to “maybe take a cabbie next time.”
