Experts are calling it “the most dedicated misunderstanding of all time”: Jane Higgins has spent the last four years memorizing Wikipedia after confusing the concept of “mindfulness” with what she thought was “mind fullness.” Instead of finding inner peace through meditation and awareness, she embarked on an exhausting mental binge that has brought her far from tranquility but left her capable of reciting the entire periodic table, listing every minor battle of the Napoleonic Wars and recounting the plot of Sharknado 5 in excruciating detail.
A Quest for Peace
“I started small,” Jane explained from behind stacks of hand-written notes on South American fauna, “I thought, ‘This makes perfect sense. If I can just fill my mind with everything, then I’ll reach a state of total calm.’ But now I’m knee deep into the political history of Albania and I haven’t had a quiet moment in months. It’s actually more complex than it sounds”
Her husband, who requested anonymity, said, “I’ve never seen someone so stressed about being knowledgeable while being so knowledgeable. She’s basically a human encyclopedia but she forgot how to enjoy a few minutes of idleness without bringing up the life cycle of deep-sea mollusks.”
Things Fall Apart
Jane’s journey began after a yoga instructor recommended mindfulness for stress relief. “It sounded so simple,” she said, “but as I started my quest I found an article on neuroplasticity, which led me to the history of cognitive science and then to the entire history of philosophy. It took me weeks to digest all of it, and it was just the beginning! I didn’t sleep for three days after that.”
Her home now looks like a blend between a university library and a conspiracy theorist’s bunker, with walls covered in post-it notes linking everything from quantum mechanics to tutorials on how to make your own papyrus.
Despite knowing more than most university professors, Jane remains tense. “I just can’t figure out why this isn’t working. I thought I’d be at least halfway zen by now, but instead, I’m lying awake at night wondering how the Byzantine Empire could’ve lasted so long. I mean, more than a millennia! How is that possible?”
Last Resorts
In a desperate attempt to find tranquility, Jane recently attended a five-day meditation retreat in the mountains, hoping for answers. The results? Underwhelming.
“I was expecting enlightenment,” Jane said, “but all they gave us were some blankets, a few breathing exercises and a cup of herbal tea. I was surrounded by people just sitting there in silence with their eyes closed. No one even wanted to talk about 12th-century agricultural practices! It was a total waste.”
The next blow came when Jane decided to watch one of the Dalai Lama’s speeches online, hoping for some profound wisdom that would finally put her mind at ease. Instead, she found herself utterly confused.
“I thought, ‘This is it! He’s going to reveal the secret to inner peace.’ But the whole time he was talking about compassion and interconnectedness, and I just kept waiting for the part where he explains how that links to the geopolitical impact of the Cold War. I sat through the entire hour and didn’t understand a single thing he was talking about. It was like trying to make sense of Inception by watching it backwards.”
A Bright Outlook
Her husband, visibly relieved she didn’t come home with more Wikipedia entries to memorize, commented, “It’s been a tough couple of years. She’s brilliant, but I miss the days when she didn’t try to explain the mating habits of kangaroos at breakfast.”
Jane, however, remains optimistic. “The retreat was a bust and the Dalai Lama was cool, but honestly I think I just have to keep at it. Once I’m done with the next half of Wikipedia, I’m sure I’ll finally reach inner peace. Now that I think of it, there’s probably an article somewhere that explains how to actually relax. I’ll have to dig into that.”
