Aaah, diets. The culinary self-flagellation we all subject ourselves to in the name of “health” (or getting beach-body-ready for an Instagram post we’ll filter to hell anyway). What we choose to stuff in our faces says more about our personalities than any BuzzFeed quiz ever could. In that spirit, let’s break down 10 popular diets and let’s see what they really say about you, you plonker.
Keto Diet
Starting strong, right? You’ve told every single person you’ve ever met that carbs are evil, you think you’re the second coming of some nutrition prophet, and you’ve convinced your entire office that bread is the devil’s pillow. Oh, and you definitely won’t shut up about how much bacon you can eat. Congratulations, you’ve hacked your way into pretending that eating butter straight from the block is somehow healthy. Enjoy your future heart palpitations, mate.
Vegan
Bad news: you’ve become the person you used to roll your eyes at. Every dinner out is a personal protest against animal cruelty, even though you low-key miss cheese more than you miss your childhood innocence. You can’t go five minutes without bringing up how you’re “saving the planet” all while wearing shoes that require more plastic to make than a small country consumes in a year (that is, if you are wearing shoes). And yes, we get it, you’re morally superior because of your cruelty-free, plant-based burgers. Now shut up and pass the bacon to the keto guy, thanks.
Paleo Diet
Ah yes, the caveman diet. Because clearly the best thing to do in 2024 is eat like someone who lived to the ripe old age of 25 if they were lucky. You scoff at grains like they personally insulted your mother and don’t mind paying extra for “wild-caught” salmon that’s probably from a factory farm but you wouldn’t know because it “feels primal” (whatever the Grok that means). You’re basically one protein shake away from joining a cult but hey, at least you look good in a loincloth.
Intermittent Fasting
Oh boy, you live for the drama, don’t you? Telling people that you’re not eating for 16 hours like it’s some kind of rebellious, sexy secret. It’s not. You’re just hangry half the day and the other half you’re face-deep in a burger like you’ve never seen food before. Your constant need for validation during your “fasting window” screams insecurity, but at least you’ve mastered the art of being moody in silence.
Carnivore Diet
Yeah, yeah, we get it, you’re a manly man (or womanly woman, no misogyny). You’re so (wo)manly that you’ve taken it upon yourself to eat only meat because carbs are for weaklings, and salad is for rabbits and vegans. If you were any more desperate to assert your masculinity, you’d be hunting that steak yourself with your bare hands. You probably drive a truck that costs more than your house and think vegans are the spawn of Satan. Ever heard about gout? You will love it!
Juice Cleanse
Ah, the ultimate diet for people who have no idea what the word “cleanse” actually means. You shelled out 200 bucks for a three-day supply of cold-pressed kale water, and now you’re starving, miserable and convinced you’re “detoxing”. Newsflash, muppet: your liver does that for free. But sure, keep convincing yourself that drinking green sludge for a week will somehow undo the damage from all those tequila shots last weekend.
Mediterranean Diet
You’re a cultured individual, aren’t you? You eat olives and drizzle everything in olive oil like you’re some sort of Greek deity. You tell people that you’re embracing “the European way of life”, as if a diet alone is going to grant you a visa and a vineyard in Tuscany but you still live in a tiny flat and the only Mediterranean thing you can pretend to is a cheap vacation.
Raw Food Diet
Ding ding ding, congratulations, you’ve discovered the most pretentious way to starve yourself! You proudly tell people that cooking destroys nutrients (like you have a chemistry degree or something), all while chewing on a piece of raw carrot like it’s the peak of human evolution. Fun fact: human beings have been cooking food for over 1.8 million years but sure, you’ve definitely figured it all out. Can’t wait to see your Instagram post about that raw zucchini “pasta”. Groundbreaking.
Gluten-Free
Unless you have celiac disease, this diet just means you’re one of those people who thinks gluten is hiding under your bed, ready to attack. You spent too much time on TikTok, and now you genuinely believe that bread is the root of all evil. Your diet consists of cardboard-tasting substitutes and you pretend quinoa is “so filling”. I mean it kinda is but give it a rest, alright? We’re trying to live our best lives with pizza and beer around here so do me a favor and enjoy your gluten-free brownie that tastes like chalk in silence.
Calorie Counting, If It Fits Your Macros and the likes
You love control, don’t you? Your entire life is a point system and revolves around tracking every single morsel that enters your mouth with the precision of a neurotic accountant, nothing gives you more of a rush than finding a “zero” snack and you find nutrition labels weirdly arousing. Secretly though, you’re constantly on the edge of a breakdown because, let’s be honest, trying to calculate whether a slice of cake is worth 107 calories and slightly too many carbs to your liking is not the blissful, balanced life you thought it would be. Just admit it: you wish you could eat without doing any math.
