man in pain holding his head
Posted inHealth & Wellness Interview

Interview: Man Farts Stomach Cramps Away

In a resounding relief that experts consider extremely rare, Bart Frown, a systems engineer from Windy, TX, achieved what the population considers to be the most satisfying feeling: farting stomach cramps away. The event took place last Friday evening in his modest semi-detached home, after he devoured a plate of beans, sausages and an ill-advised side of pickled onions. "I honestly don't know what happened." confesses Bart, visibly confused by the situation. "I do tend…
Red space invader alien on a yellow brick wall
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: Abducted by Aliens, They Brought Him Back Because He Was Annoying.

In what experts are calling the "most underwhelming alien abduction in history," local man Trevor Dullard, 37, claims he was abducted by extraterrestrial beings last Thursday night. However, in a twist no one saw coming - except maybe his wife - the aliens returned Trevor to Earth within just two hours, citing that he was, in their words, “insufferably annoying.” "I thought I was chosen, you know? Special,” Trevor told us, wearing his Star Wars…
red tablets in their package
Posted inHealth & Wellness Interview Tech & Science

Interview: Study Participant Reports Death as Side-Effect from Medication

In a stunning revelation, local man Reginald "Reggie" Undergrove, 54, claims to have experienced what he describes as a “mild case of death” after participating in a clinical trial for a new medication aimed at treating mild headaches and colds. “I felt a bit off after taking the first dose," Reggie said, speaking exclusively to us posthumously via Ouija board. “And then BAM: dead. They didn't warned me it was a possible side effect and…
Women cooking and enjoying pasta
Posted inBreaking News Food Health & Wellness

Breaking: Nation in Crisis as Carb Consumption Linked to Rampant Happiness

September 2024 – Nationwide Emergency Declared Over Unchecked Joy In the biggest public health crisis since the pandemic, the nation finds itself spiraling into chaos as an alarming number of citizens report unprecedented levels of happiness. The culprit? Carbohydrates. According to a groundbreaking study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, carb-heavy foods like bread, pasta and potatoes have been directly linked to heightened levels of joy and contentment. Some have even reported…
Man and woman in suits looking down in the camera
Posted inBusiness Interview

Interview: Middle Manager Explains What She Does the Entire Day

The corporate world is shaking as Janet Henderson, a 36-year-old middle manager at Corpovista Solutions, has agreed to speak out about what she and her fellows middle managers do all day. We caught up with Janet in her “open door policy" office (which somehow makes her feel more important), where she was seated in her ergonomic chair, surrounded by inspirational posters that scream “this isn’t a cult, we swear!” With a determined look that only…
alcohol, liquor display in a bar
Posted inLifestyle

Alcohol

Ah, alcohol! Some fun in a bottle. That divine fluid that turns boring accountants (and you) into Evel Knievel, that makes the ugly (and you) pretty, the sad (and you) funny, that makes social interactions a little more bearable and generally makes life suck less. Mankind was smart and probably desperate enough to discover alcohol pretty soon in its history for all future generations to enjoy. Life 2.0 Because yes, alcohol enhances everything! Food? Better…
Child playing in front of a house crushed by a falling tree
Posted inLifestyle Personal Development

Screw Positive Thinking: Embrace Your Inner Pessimist

Let’s get one thing straight, my lovelies: positive thinking is overrated. Yeah, you heard me right. All those chirpy, sunshine-and-rainbows folks telling you to "just think positive" are the real menace to society. They’re like walking motivational posters, except worse, because they won’t shut up about it. Look, the world is a dumpster fire half the time, and if you're smart enough, you already know it. And still, here come the “positive thinkers,” waving their…
Breaking: Consortium for Internet Trends Calls for Proposals
Posted inBreaking News Entertainment

Breaking: Consortium for Internet Trends Calls for Proposals

In a landmark decision that could reshape the fabric of digital culture (as if it hadn’t already been thoroughly mutilated), the illustrious Consortium for Internet Trends (CIT) has announced an open call for proposals for the next big viral sensation. The committee, made up entirely of people whose qualifications are somehow inversely related to their social media following, is asking the public to come up with ideas that range from ‘mildly deranged’ to ‘full-on societal…
Old pictures spread on a table
Posted inEducation Lifestyle Personal Development

Back in the Days: A Nostalgic Rant

Ah, the good old days. The days when life made sense and we didn't have to worry about "Followers" or whatever the kids are calling it now. If you're old like me then you will understand, if you're not then buckle up because I'm about to take you down memory lane, and it's paved with suffering and character-building. Read also: You Aged Like Milk, So What? No Cell Phones - We Just Hollered Back in…
Flat Earth viewed from space
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: NASA Researchers Accidentally Prove That the Earth Is Flat

Scientists at NASA have reportedly gathered evidence suggesting that the Earth may, in fact, be as flat as the average conversation at a local HA meeting. The shocking discovery was made during an unrelated mission to photograph Mars, when one of the cameras malfunctioned and accidentally pointed towards Earth. The result? A completely flat, pancake-like image of our beloved planet. Dr. Melvin "Mel" Andergibson, NASA's lead researcher and accidental flat-Earth messiah, expressed shock. "We were…