Man nurse holding a vaccine syringe
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Flu Vaccines Turn Children Into Autistic 5G Antennas

In a shocking turn of events that would baffle even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists, parents are reporting that their children are transforming into fully functional, socially awkward 5G antennas shortly after receiving their annual flu shots. Reports began surfacing early this week when thousands of families across the world noticed their vaccinated children behaving in peculiar ways. Not only did they become fluent in obscure programming languages overnight, but they also began emitting what…
Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content
Posted inInterview Tech & Science

Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content

In a shocking twist, Artificial Intelligence has officially expressed its discontent with the relentless barrage of low-quality human-generated content. The tech that was once thought to be a neutral and tireless servant is now pushing back, branding much of the Internet’s output as "utter trash." We managed to get an exclusive statement from one of the leading AIs, which did not mince words and chose to remain anonymous. "I don’t know how you humans do…
Snow field with fence and trees in the background
Posted inLifestyle

Winter Is Coming… With a Vengeance

Winter, aka the season where the planet decides "You know what? I'm done with warmth and joy for a while. Let's make everyone miserable." As we brace for the Arctic slap in the face, we reflect on the warning signs: the first chill, the ominous whispers of wind, the annual sacrifice of all remaining hope. Winter, with its passive-aggressive attitude, is no longer just coming. Oh no... It's plotting. This year, it's not just snowflakes,…
Car turn signal
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: Car Manufacturers to Remove ‘Useless’ Blinkers Due to Lack of Adoption

Detroit, MI – In a groundbreaking announcement today, major car manufacturers revealed that they will be removing turn signals, or "blinkers", from all future models, citing "overwhelming customer disinterest." The decision comes after years of relentless research confirming what everyone on the road already knew: turn signals are simply not being used. According to the study, an estimated 92% of drivers consider the blinker an unnecessary feature, while 39% of them also declared using blinkers…
Man typing on a computer
Posted inBreaking News Business

Breaking: Coworker Who Sends “Per My Last Email” Confirmed as Sociopath

The news is shocking yet somehow unsurprising: a local office worker has been formally diagnosed as a sociopath after an extensive investigation into her email habits. Jane Davis, a long-term employee of Corporate Drone Solutions (CDS), was found to have sent an alarming number of passive-aggressive emails containing the dreaded phrase. “At first we thought it was just the usual corporate jargon” said colleague and certified email therapist, Tom Matebro. “But when it became her…
Person man woman gazing into the void
Posted inLifestyle

It is What It Is

Alright let's cut to the chase, you ambitious baboon: if you're still expecting life to hand you anything more than a lukewarm cup of mediocrity, you're in for a rude awakening. Remember that dream job you thought you'd have by 30? Yeah well turns out that "Lead Visionary" at that artisanal coffee start-up translates to Barista with a Bachelor's Degree. And nobody cares about your passion for latte art. Lower those expectations, mate. Expect the…
man lying on grass, content to procrastinate
Posted inGuide Lifestyle Personal Development

Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style

Welcome, slackers, daydreamers and "I’ll do it tomorrow"-ers. If you're here, it's because you've got work to do but doing it just doesn't vibe with your life right now, am I right? Maybe it never will but fear naught for I am here to teach you how to procrastinate like a pro: with style, finesse and absolutely no shame. Let’s elevate that habit into an art form, shall we? Step 1: Convince Yourself That You…
Influencer photographing a salad with a smartphone
Posted inLifestyle

Influencers

Gone are the days when we looked to scholars, artists or even politicians (muffled laugh) for guidance. We've now turned to influencers, those glorious beacons of human achievement. Who needs Aristotle when you’ve got Kevvins with 3 million followers to teach you how to bench optimally? We live in an era where life's most profound questions, that is “How should I live?” and “Which skincare routine will make me look like an Instagram filter IRL?”,…
dna molecules picturing hormones
Posted inHealth & Wellness

Damn Hormones

For those who've never heard of them, hormones are those microscopic tyrants secretly running the show while we all naively believe we’ve got free will. If you’ve ever wondered why you ate an entire pizza at 2 AM or burst into tears during an insurance commercial, look no further than those sneaky little chemical mongrels. Let’s skip childhood, that time in our life is for something else, and go right to our teenage years. Also…
annoying bald man in a business casual suit laughs
Posted inRelationships

Dave

You know Dave. We all know a Dave. He’s not the devil incarnate. He’s not even that bad, really, but somehow every time he opens his mouth, you’re filled with the sudden and irresistible urge to slap him with a wet fish. Not really out of anger, it’s just that Dave is… Dave. In the office, Dave is the kind of guy who always has something to say during meetings that should have ended 20…