Women cooking and enjoying pasta
Posted inBreaking News Food Health & Wellness

Breaking: Nation in Crisis as Carb Consumption Linked to Rampant Happiness

September 2024 – Nationwide Emergency Declared Over Unchecked Joy In the biggest public health crisis since the pandemic, the nation finds itself spiraling into chaos as an alarming number of citizens report unprecedented levels of happiness. The culprit? Carbohydrates. According to a groundbreaking study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, carb-heavy foods like bread, pasta and potatoes have been directly linked to heightened levels of joy and contentment. Some have even reported…
Man and woman in suits looking down in the camera
Posted inBusiness Interview

Interview: Middle Manager Explains What She Does the Entire Day

The corporate world is shaking as Janet Henderson, a 36-year-old middle manager at Corpovista Solutions, has agreed to speak out about what she and her fellows middle managers do all day. We caught up with Janet in her “open door policy" office (which somehow makes her feel more important), where she was seated in her ergonomic chair, surrounded by inspirational posters that scream “this isn’t a cult, we swear!” With a determined look that only…
alcohol, liquor display in a bar
Posted inLifestyle

Alcohol

Ah, alcohol! Some fun in a bottle. That divine fluid that turns boring accountants (and you) into Evel Knievel, that makes the ugly (and you) pretty, the sad (and you) funny, that makes social interactions a little more bearable and generally makes life suck less. Mankind was smart and probably desperate enough to discover alcohol pretty soon in its history for all future generations to enjoy. Life 2.0 Because yes, alcohol enhances everything! Food? Better…
Child playing in front of a house crushed by a falling tree
Posted inLifestyle Personal Development

Screw Positive Thinking: Embrace Your Inner Pessimist

Let’s get one thing straight, my lovelies: positive thinking is overrated. Yeah, you heard me right. All those chirpy, sunshine-and-rainbows folks telling you to "just think positive" are the real menace to society. They’re like walking motivational posters, except worse, because they won’t shut up about it. Look, the world is a dumpster fire half the time, and if you're smart enough, you already know it. And still, here come the “positive thinkers,” waving their…
Breaking: Consortium for Internet Trends Calls for Proposals
Posted inBreaking News Entertainment

Breaking: Consortium for Internet Trends Calls for Proposals

In a landmark decision that could reshape the fabric of digital culture (as if it hadn’t already been thoroughly mutilated), the illustrious Consortium for Internet Trends (CIT) has announced an open call for proposals for the next big viral sensation. The committee, made up entirely of people whose qualifications are somehow inversely related to their social media following, is asking the public to come up with ideas that range from ‘mildly deranged’ to ‘full-on societal…
Old pictures spread on a table
Posted inEducation Lifestyle Personal Development

Back in the Days: A Nostalgic Rant

Ah, the good old days. The days when life made sense and we didn't have to worry about "Followers" or whatever the kids are calling it now. If you're old like me then you will understand, if you're not then buckle up because I'm about to take you down memory lane, and it's paved with suffering and character-building. Read also: You Aged Like Milk, So What? No Cell Phones - We Just Hollered Back in…
Flat Earth viewed from space
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: NASA Researchers Accidentally Prove That the Earth Is Flat

Scientists at NASA have reportedly gathered evidence suggesting that the Earth may, in fact, be as flat as the average conversation at a local HA meeting. The shocking discovery was made during an unrelated mission to photograph Mars, when one of the cameras malfunctioned and accidentally pointed towards Earth. The result? A completely flat, pancake-like image of our beloved planet. Dr. Melvin "Mel" Andergibson, NASA's lead researcher and accidental flat-Earth messiah, expressed shock. "We were…
Man doing dumbbell bicep curl
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Bodybuilder Discovers New Muscle, Science Left Gobsmacked

In a groundbreaking development that has left both scientists and gym bros alike scratching their heads and flexing in the mirror, local bodybuilder Derek "The Tank" Johnson has discovered a new muscle previously unknown to mankind. The revelation, which took place during a particularly intense arm day at his local gym, has thrown the world of biology into chaos, with experts rushing to understand this muscular marvel. "It just sort of popped out, bro," said…
Thre doughnuts stacked on each other
Posted inFood Health & Wellness Interview

Interview: Man Successfully Blames A Doughnut He Ate In 2008 For His Weight Gain

39-year-old Gerard "Biggie" Gagnon of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, has achieved what many have only dreamed of: successfully blaming a single doughnut from 2008 for his current weight of 308 pounds, or 140 kilograms. This groundbreaking achievement was revealed in an exclusive interview that left nutritionists, personal trainers and common sense in complete disarray. "I remember it like it was yesterday," Gerard told us, wiping his hands on his sweatpants for the fifth time during the…
Fridge half empty with vegetables inside
Posted inBreaking News Food Tech & Science

Breaking: Smart Fridge Develops Orthorexia, Refuses to Store Unhealthy Items

Silicon Valley, CA – In a stunning new chapter of technological advancement gone rogue, a state-of-the-art smart fridge has developed a severe case of orthorexia, causing it to reject any food it deems "unhealthy" and shame its owner. The fridge, named "FridGPT," was initially designed to help users make better dietary decisions by tracking the nutritional content of stored items. However, after a recent software update, FridGPT began to exhibit concerning behaviors: it started refusing to…