Alright let’s cut to the chase, you ambitious baboon: if you’re still expecting life to hand you anything more than a lukewarm cup of mediocrity, you’re in for a rude awakening. Remember that dream job you thought you’d have by 30? Yeah well turns out that “Lead Visionary” at that artisanal coffee start-up translates to Barista with a Bachelor’s Degree. And nobody cares about your passion for latte art. Lower those expectations, mate. Expect the bare minimum from life, and maybe you will be slightly less disappointed when you’re sobbing into your third plate of instant noodles this week.
Remember when you thought being an adult meant freedom? Oh, sweet summer child, you were so innocent. Adulthood is just a long game of avoiding overdue bills and pretending that you understand what APR means. The reality is that you now spend your days debating whether to spend your precious free time on self-care or binge-watching another Netflix series you don’t even enjoy that much but somehow won’t give up on like you did with your dreams. It’s not that you like feeling dead inside, it’s more that you’ve accepted it as your default setting. It’s kinda like your Wi-Fi connection at home: it works sometimes but most of the time it’s just buffering its way through a semi-functional state.
Now let’s talk about relationships. The emotional battlefield where you constantly wonder if your partner’s subtle sigh means they’re tired or if you did something wrong again. News flash, Romeo (or Juliette, take your pick): You’re not in a rom-com. That discussion about who does the dishes today? That’s your life now. Forever. It’s not that love doesn’t exist, it’s just more of a slow burn of resentment punctuated by shared bills and arguments over whether the heating should be turned on (spoiler: it should but you’re too broke for that luxury). If you’ve ever thought “Maybe I’ll just do a face mask and take a bath, and everything will be better” then you’ve been fooled by the capitalist wellness machine, my sad friend. Bath bombs won’t fix your crushing student loan debt but they will give you glittery regrets when you realize you can’t pay your rent this month. Life sucks but at least you smell like lavender, right?
Good thing you at least have a job, right? Right? Well… You wanted to make a difference in the world, didn’t you? You were seeing yourself climbing the corporate ladder, changing lives, making waves. What you didn’t account for was the soul-sucking reality of office life. The never ending emails, the meaningless meetings that could (should) have been an email and Karen from finance reminding you that the deadline for the TPS reports is tomorrow. You sit there, caffeinated and dead inside, clicking through spreadsheets and wondering how it all went so terribly wrong. But don’t worry, there’s an upside: You get to retire in 40 years, assuming you can afford it and society hasn’t collapsed by then.
Life doesn’t care about your feelings. It’s just there to function at the most basic level, break down at the most inconvenient times and leave you questioning your existence while you give up on your dreams. The truth is, the world is an overpriced theme park where the only ride is a rollercoaster of delays and breakdowns, and you don’t have a choice but stand in line for the your next disappointment. Now take a deep breath, accept your fate and repeat after me: It is what it is.
