Local White Man Sets Record Straight, Confirms World’s Been Fine All Along
Robert Brooks, 47, a white man describing himself as “more of a big-picture thinker”, bravely declared his steadfast belief that patriarchy is “probably blown out of proportion” and “not something we really need to be fussed about.” Speaking from his cushy leather armchair in the “man cave” he mostly furnished himself, Brooks generously took time out of his rigorous day of scrolling Twitter – or X for the more progressive of you – and monitoring his investment portfolio to enlighten us on why people simply “need to stop whining.”
“Listen, I’m all for equality,” Robert begins, as he places his hands behind his head in the universal gesture of absolute authority. “But what’s that deal with patriarchy? It’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? I mean, I’ve got two sisters and I haven’t oppressed any of them!” Brooks pauses here, basking in what he assumes is the glow of his own enlightenment, seemingly oblivious that a lack of conscious malice towards his relatives might not exempt him from benefiting from the very thing he’s defending.
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“I just don’t see the problem,” he says, shrugging with an expression of mild exasperation as though he’s being asked to justify the existence of gravity. “It’s 2024; women have everything they need, don’t they? You’ve got equal pay – if you work as hard as men, of course – and I’m sure there’s even a woman President somewhere already. Probably.”
When asked about statistical data revealing persistent wage gaps, discrimination and the systemic obstacles women face, Brooks dismisses it with a casual wave. “Those are just cherry-picked numbers, I could show the same about men if I wanted to!” He says with a laugh, a statement presumably based on his in-depth analysis of a Facebook infographic his best mate Ed sent him last year. “It’s just all these feminists going overboard. They want things to be completely equal except when it’s inconvenient. That’s actually unfair to men, you know?”
Brooks ‘Did His Research’
According to Brooks, his current worldview on gender issues comes from years of research, or as he describes it, “keeping my eyes open and calling it as I see it.” The pinnacle of his “research” includes browsing the opinions section of news sites, listening to two Joe Rogan podcasts and taking a single sociology class back in university which he “totally aced.” He clarifies that his critical stance on patriarchy comes from his personal expertise: “Did I mention I have two sisters? I’m very aware of the problems they face and it really doesn’t sound like actual problems to me.”
During our chat, Brooks felt compelled to expand on his “fieldwork” in gender dynamics, consisting of “observing women in the wild”, that is, at work and in his friendship circle. “Most of the women I know seem fine with things as they are,” he claims, offering a single anecdote about how his female colleague was promoted last year, which he saw as “proof patriarchy is a myth.” When asked if he’d spoken to her directly about her experiences, he seemed confused and replied, “Why would I? Those things you can just tell.”
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The Inconvenience of Women Wanting Change
“What these women don’t understand,” Brooks explains, with the sigh of a man who’s been asked to explain something far too simple, “is that what they call ‘patriarchy’ actually benefits everyone. It’s like a system that’s just been tested over centuries. Why mess with it? Men have their roles; women have theirs. I don’t know why anyone in his right mind would want to change that. It’s just efficient.”
As Brooks patiently elaborates on why he doesn’t think anyone “needs feminism,” he points to the freedoms women already have, such as the ability to vote, drive and even work if they really want to. He then points to his wife, Emma, who works part-time while also “managing the home” as he describes it. “She’s perfectly happy with our setup,” he says confidently, as his wife silently sweeps around him for the third time, casting what might be called a defeated gaze in his direction.
“Thing is, we’re a team,” he adds magnanimously, “Emma does what she’s best at and I do what I’m best at. If I have to take care of the tough stuff, that’s just part of the job, yeah?” He doesn’t elaborate much on what the “tough stuff” actually entails but cites “occasionally taking out the bins if I’m not busy” and “fixing the Wi-Fi.” as two examples of what he’s best at.
The Case of Male Allies
When asked about male allies, Robert’s face lights up, clearly pleased to share his thoughts on this “new-fangled” concept. “Oh yeah, I get what they’re on about with ‘male allies,’” he says, fingers tapping his chair arm thoughtfully. “I mean, I support women and all, but I’m not one of those blokes who has to go shout it from the rooftops. Real support should be subtle, you know?”
According to Robert, he’s “allied enough”: “I’m generally respectful – if they’re also respecting me – and I’m not doing anything bad – at least not on purpose.” He chuckles and adds, “I’m not like these guys who make a big fuss to look good though. Seems like performative nonsense to me and honestly it feels needy, really. Women know I respect them, that’s enough.” With a shrug, he explains that “when you see what’s going on out there, keeping your head down and not making a fuss is already a lot, actually,” proudly believing that not being “as bad as some people” is good enough.
Benevolent Wisdom for All
Robert’s closing advice for feminists everywhere: “Just chill out a bit, yeah?” He suggests that if women simply stopped talking about patriarchy altogether, the problem would resolve itself. “It’s like when my mates and I fight over something stupid; eventually, we just let it go, grab a beer and it’s forgotten. Women could really learn from that.”
Brooks also took a moment to enlighten us on why patriarchy isn’t a problem in his circle of friends. “It’s just cultural,” he explains confidently, though he can’t quite recall which culture he’s referencing. “I personally don’t have any issues with women,” he assures us, as though his singular goodwill is a universal balm. “In my opinion, this whole patriarchy business is mostly for show. People just want something to protest about because it distracts them, but all in all the world is mostly fine.”
To end the interview, we asked Brooks if he could ever imagine himself as a woman navigating today’s world. He paused, visibly uncomfortable and gave a quick shake of his head. “Nah, mate. I wouldn’t like it much, to be honest. But that’s just because men are wired differently, you know? If I actually was a woman, things would be different.” As we turned to Emma Brooks, Robert’s wife, and asked about her thoughts on patriarchy, Robert cut her short and responded in a statement that obviously proved him right: “She thinks it’s nonsense! Right, honey? What’s for dinner, by the way?”
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