In a stunning revelation, local man Reginald “Reggie” Undergrove, 54, claims to have experienced what he describes as a “mild case of death” after participating in a clinical trial for a new medication aimed at treating mild headaches and colds.
“I felt a bit off after taking the first dose,” Reggie said, speaking exclusively to us posthumously via Ouija board. “And then BAM: dead. They didn’t warned me it was a possible side effect and honestly I didn’t think it would go that far. I kinda regret it now.”
Developed by Big Pharma International, the experimental drug was mainly supposed to relieve mild to moderate headaches but Reggie, a seasoned participant in various drug trials, believes this outcome was slightly outside the expected range of side effects.
“Yeah, they warned me about dizziness, nausea, maybe even some dry mouth,” he recalled, hovering faintly over the table during our interview. “But death? Nah, they slipped that one in the fine print, I’m telling you!”
Medical Response: The Fine Print Defense
When approached for comment, Dr. Prudence Leonid, head of the clinical trial, defended the situation, citing the drug’s list of potential side effects does, in fact, include “possible death” buried under a pile of legal jargon. “We made it quite clear that there could be some minor adverse reactions like dry eyes, mild insomnia, or complete cessation of life functions,” Leonid explained. “It’s all about balancing risks and rewards.”
Big Pharma International released a statement expressing their disappointment in Reggie’s passing, while simultaneously celebrating a 98% success rate among living participants. “It’s unfortunate about Mr. Undergrove, but the data shows he was the outlier. The overwhelming majority of our participants only experienced slight nausea, dizziness and existential dread. We see this as a clear win.”
Family Reaction: Unconvinced
Reggie’s wife, Katherine Undergrove, remains skeptical. “He had a bit of a headache and now he’s haunting the garage,” she sighed. “If I had known death was a possibility, I’d have just given him some aspirin. But no, he had to try that newfangled pharmaceutical garbage, didn’t he?”
Katherine has since filed a lawsuit against Big Pharma International, demanding both answers and financial compensation for “inconvenient hauntings” and damages related to the weird poltergeist activities that have allegedly plagued their home since Reggie’s demise. “He keeps messing with the TV, changing the channels just as my programs get good. He’s even more annoying than when he was alive!” she added in frustration.
Expert Opinion: Is Death Really a Side Effect?
We consulted Dr. Frank Grimshaw, a leading expert in pharmacology, to clarify whether death could truly be considered a “side effect.”
“Technically, yes,” Grimshaw confirmed, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses. “Anything that happens after taking a medication could be labeled a side effect. Death is just… a rather extreme one. It’s like winning the worst lottery ever.”
Reggie, however, remains optimistic about his fate. “Honestly, death’s not so bad,” he said, after spelling out “BORED” on the Ouija board. “No more headaches at least. The downside is the Wi-Fi is really lousy here.”
Meanwhile,Big Pharma International continues its clinical trials, while reassuring the public that they’re “working diligently” to minimize the death side effect in future versions of the medication. “We’re aiming for something more manageable,” Dr. Leonid confirmed. “Like temporary paralysis or a light coma. You know, the usual.”
Take at Your Own Risk
While Reggie’s tale may seem extreme, it serves as a cautionary tale for anyone considering the latest pharmaceutical “miracle” cure. As Reggie himself advised, “Always read the fine print. Or you might end up doing interviews through a medium.”
Until then, rest assured that, statistically speaking, most of you will survive taking your headache meds. Probably.
