The corporate world is shaking as Janet Henderson, a 36-year-old middle manager at Corpovista Solutions, has agreed to speak out about what she and her fellows middle managers do all day.
We caught up with Janet in her “open door policy” office (which somehow makes her feel more important), where she was seated in her ergonomic chair, surrounded by inspirational posters that scream “this isn’t a cult, we swear!” With a determined look that only someone who spends 80% of their day clicking between emails can muster, she broke down her daily schedule.
9:00 AM – The Great Outlook Purge
“First thing I do is spend an hour cleaning out my inbox. You know, getting rid of emails I’ve already read or pretending to ‘circle back’ on things I have no intention of dealing with. I like to keep it at 900 unread messages, it’s a nice psychological barrier between me and responsibility.” She smiled, clearly proud of the way she manages to delete emails while avoiding work-related anxiety.
10:00 AM – Back-to-Back Meetings That Could Have Been Emails
“I spend the next few hours in meetings, mostly reiterating things I’ve already said, or asking questions no one wants to answer. You see, it’s crucial for a middle manager like me to take up as much time as possible without actually achieving anything measurable.” Janet explains how her expert use of corporate jargon – phrases like “low-hanging fruit” or “synergy” – ensures that everyone leaves the room more confused than when they entered.
12:00 PM – The Power Lunch
“At noon, I take a power lunch, but don’t be fooled! It’s not about eating, it’s about looking busy while casually gossiping with colleagues in a way that looks strategic.” Her face lights up as she explains the subtle art of delegating work while pretending to care about their department’s KPIs.
1:00 PM – Team Check-Ins or The Art of Feigned Interest
“After lunch, I ‘touch base’ with my team. You know, ask them questions like ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘What’s the status on that thing I can’t remember?’ Then I nod thoughtfully while mentally replaying last night’s Netflix episode.” Janet mentions how important it is to maintain eye contact while zoning out completely. “It’s all about balance. If an employee asks a question, my go-to move is to look deeply contemplative, pause for a dramatic second, and say: ‘Let’s take this offline.’ This buys me time to either forget about it completely or pass the problem on to someone else who actually knows what they’re doing. If they’re persistent, I’ll loop them into a pointless meeting with too many people where nothing gets resolved but I look like I’m facilitating collaboration. Win-win.”
3:00 PM – Spreadsheet Manipulation
“At some point, I open an Excel sheet and just stare at it for an hour. Maybe I’ll move a column, maybe I won’t. This creates the illusion of productivity. If anyone passes by, I quickly type ‘Q3 targets’ in a cell and hit Enter. Boom, I’m a data genius.”
4:00 PM – The End-of-Day Mental Shutdown
“By 4 PM, I’m pretty much done. I’ll stare at the screen, scroll through LinkedIn, and pretend to ‘network.’ Sometimes I even open a project management tool just to look at the task board and sigh deeply. It’s important for people to see how stressed I am.” She pauses, thoughtfully. “I also like to check the office calendar to make sure I have no actual work scheduled for tomorrow.”
5:00 PM – Escape
“At 5, I grab my coat and leave like the office is on fire. But I always make sure to say: ‘I’ll finish that up later tonight,’ as I head out, even though I have zero intention of opening my laptop again.”
And just like that, Janet is off, leaving behind a day filled with vague tasks, noncommittal promises and the subtle art of looking busy while doing as little as humanly possible. Just like middle managers everywhere, Janet serves as a crucial cog in the corporate machine: providing the illusion of leadership while effectively contributing to absolutely nothing. But rest assured: she will still claim that she’s “moving the needle” and “driving results” during the next quarterly review.
