39-year-old Gerard “Biggie” Gagnon of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, has achieved what many have only dreamed of: successfully blaming a single doughnut from 2008 for his current weight of 308 pounds, or 140 kilograms. This groundbreaking achievement was revealed in an exclusive interview that left nutritionists, personal trainers and common sense in complete disarray.
“I remember it like it was yesterday,” Gerard told us, wiping his hands on his sweatpants for the fifth time during the interview. “It was a Tuesday. The office was a bit slow and Gary from Accounts brought in a dozen glazed doughnuts. I thought, ‘Just one won’t hurt.’ But I didn’t know that this single doughnut was laced with some kind of slow release calories or something.”
According to Gerard, this fateful pastry unleashed a cascade of irreversible events that have led to his dramatic weight gain over the past 16 years. “I didn’t have a chance after that doughnut. It’s been downhill ever since,” he lamented, sipping a 2-liter bottle of an unknown pink soft drink through a mushy cardboard straw. “Every time I look in the mirror, I see that doughnut mocking me.”
Gerard claims the doughnut was unusually “fluffy” and “dangerously tasty,” suggesting it may have been part of a conspiracy by major doughnut chains to keep the public hooked. “They know what they’re doing,” Gerard said, shaking his head. “You think it’s just a doughnut, but next thing you know, you’re 70 pounds (Ed: 31 kg) heavier, and your gym membership card is being used as a coaster.”
When asked about his lifestyle choices since the doughnut, Gerard seemed perplexed. “What choices? I didn’t choose this life! The doughnut did. You think I wanted to eat an entire lasagna by myself last night? It’s just that once the doughnut got inside me, it activated some kind of hunger vortex. Science should really look into that, to be honest.”
Local doctors remain baffled. Dr. Olivia Ivins, a dietitian who briefly attempted to work with Gerard in 2012, expressed skepticism. “There’s no scientific evidence that a single doughnut can cause long-term weight gain, especially over a decade.”
But Gerard is having none of it. “That’s just what Big Health wants you to believe! They’d rather you blame yourself than face the truth about rogue GMO doughnuts. It’s like those vaccines!“
When asked about any plans to combat his weight gain, Gerard mentioned he’s considering a lawsuit against the doughnut industry but hasn’t ruled out eating more doughnuts “for research purposes.”
“I might need to eat another one to see if it unlocks some kind of reversal mechanism,” he mused. “I’ve already got a couple boxes from Dunkin’ lined up for the weekend. You know, for science.”
As for the doughnut that started it all? Gerard still remembers its sugary embrace. “I’ve never tasted anything quite like it since. That doughnut was something special in a vicious, life-altering sort of way.”
In the meantime, Gerard is still carrying on with his daily routine of relentless research and writing angry letters to the Doughnut Advisory Council. “I’m not giving up until someone takes responsibility for what happened to me in 2008!” said Gerard, bravely ignoring the large bag of Doritos perched on the arm of his sofa.
Only time will tell if the doughnut industry will take notice. But for now, Gerard remains resolute in his mission: making sure that this doughnut from 2008 gets the blame it deserves.
