Hell, Michigan – This Halloween season, locals are perplexed by one among them who stands alone in his steadfast rejection of costumes, citing an unexpectedly bleak reason. Meet Stuart Grimbley, 34-year-old, who has become a viral sensation after declaring he’d skip the Halloween costume madness this year due to a simple fact: he’s “already dead inside.”
‘It’s All Pointless’
We caught up with Stuart, who agreed to an interview as long as it didn’t interfere with his mid-morning ritual of “scrolling aimlessly through social media in a near-catatonic state.” Dressed in his usual attire of grey slacks and an unironed, slightly coffee-stained shirt, he clarified his stance over a flat, room-temperature soda.
“I don’t see the point, to be honest,” he said flatly. “Everyone’s out here dressing up as skeletons, vampires and whatever, pretending to be some kind of horrible creature for the night. But me, I don’t need the fake blood or face paint. The void is already in here, that’s horrible enough,” he explained, gesture towards his chest.
A Stance Causing Division
Stuart’s declaration has caused a stir in the local costume community, sparking outrage in some and admiration in others. Halloween enthusiasts argue he’s taking the fun out of the season, while others have dubbed him the “grim hero of our times.”
Candace Spookins, president of the Neighborhood Halloween Committee, commented on Stuart’s refusal to play along. “Halloween is about imagination, creativity and fun! But that Stuart guy over there is trying to turn it into a commentary on… what? The drudgery of daily existence? I mean, don’t get me wrong – he’s right, but he’s killing the spirit,” she sniffed. When asked if he might consider something subtle, perhaps a pair of devil horns or a simple cape, Stuart scoffed. “What’s the point of a mask when I’m already masking my true feelings year-round?” He took a long, reflective sip of his soda, which he referred to as a “personal embodiment of fizzy despair.”
His family, known to put up extensive Halloween decorations every year, is taking his decision in stride. “Last year he tried wearing a t-shirt that just said ‘Dead Inside’ on it, but his sister thought it was a phase,” said Stuart’s mother, Joyce. “He’s always been a little… existential. He was the only kid in kindergarten who preferred the ‘grey crayon,’ he said it spoke to him, whatever that means.”
Adoption Increases
The trend has caught on, with other despondent locals joining in. Trent McMullen, a local UPS driver who claims Halloween has “lost its magic” since he turned 12, plans to join Stuart’s “already-dead-inside” movement this year. “My costume is myself, mate. I’m going as the overworked, the underpaid and the completely unremarkable. It’s genius in its simplicity and it’s authentic,” Trent said with empty eyes, in a chillingly monotonous tone.
However, some costume retailers are concerned this movement might impact business. “We already had to throw out half the pumpkin costumes because they’re ‘too basic’ now,” grumbled Bert Latchkey, owner of ‘Spooks & Stuff,’ the town’s premier Halloween store. “Now I’ve got two blokes out there who think walking around with dead eyes and yesterday’s unbrushed hair counts as ‘costuming.’ It’s a disgrace.”
As the interview wrapped up, Stuart’s phone buzzed with an alert from a friend inviting him to a Halloween bash. “I don’t know if I’ll go,” he sighed. “It’s all just pretending, right? People pretend they’re something else for a night, but the next morning, they’re still back at work, at the same desk, facing the same mountain of emails. It’s sad.”
Despite his gloomy rhetoric, some see Stuart’s message as a refreshingly honest take on Halloween. Local professor of philosophy Dr. Eleanor Grieves remarked, “Stuart’s choice raises an important question: Why pretend to be monsters, witches or the undead, when the real horror is our very existence? He’s a modern Sisyphus.”
So this Halloween, if you see a bloke walking around in grey slacks, with unkempt hair and a vacant stare, don’t ask what he’s supposed to be. He’s already dead inside, and for Stuart, that’s about as real as it gets.
