In a resounding relief that experts consider extremely rare, Bart Frown, a systems engineer from Windy, TX, achieved what the population considers to be the most satisfying feeling: farting stomach cramps away. The event took place last Friday evening in his modest semi-detached home, after he devoured a plate of beans, sausages and an ill-advised side of pickled onions.
“I honestly don’t know what happened.” confesses Bart, visibly confused by the situation. “I do tend to have digestive issues but that’s not food I usually have problems with.” Doctors had advised rest and peppermint tea, but Frown, a man of action, had other plans.
“I could feel it building, you know? The pressure, the heat, it was like a volcano was brewing down there,” he said with the seriousness of a man on the verge of a eureka moment. “So, I relaxed and let the old body do what it does best.”
And the old body indeed did what it does best: on Friday, at precisely 7:47 PM, the fart erupted.
“It was biblical,” Frown recalled, staring off into the distance as if reliving the moment. “The sofa cushions lifted, the dog yelped and ran out of the room. And just like that, the cramp was gone. Like magic, or some kind of smelly science.”
Experts from around the world have weighed in on the phenomenon, dubbing it the “Frown Toot Therapy.” Professor Emmett Puffon, a leading researcher at the Institute of Intestinal Intelligence, expressed cautious optimism. “While most medical treatments rely on pharmaceuticals, this discovery could revolutionize gastroenterology. The healing power of a well-timed fart is something we’ve long suspected but never had concrete evidence for. Until now.”
Local bystanders also reported feeling the impact, describing the fart as “earth-shaking” and “a bit sulfuric, to be honest.” One neighbor, Mavis Klotz, even mistook it for a minor earthquake. “I thought my plates were gonna rattle off the shelf,” she said. “But good on him, if it helped.”
Bart Frown is now fielding offers from various health magazines and has even been contacted by wellness influencers hoping to capitalize on his success. “I’m thinking of writing a book,” he said. “Something like ‘Gas and Glory: My Journey to Wellness One Fart at a Time.’“
While medical professionals are still investigating the long-term effects of this so-called “fart therapy,” Frown remains convinced of its efficacy. “If you’re in pain, don’t bottle it up,” he advised. “Let it out. You never know, it might just save your life – or at least your Tuesday afternoon.”
He now claims to be “cramp-free and breezy,” though his wife, Margaret, remains unconvinced. “It’s a load of bull,” she said. “But at least he’s not moaning about the cramp anymore.”
Seismology experts have expressed their interest at Mr. Frown’s “godsent ability” while advising to keep a safety distance of around 300 feet from Bart. For now, however, the entire world waits, impatient, to see how modern medicine will evolve.
