Local man Ridge Groves has been proudly declaring his superiority over his peers by refusing to even acknowledge instruction manuals in a stunning display of modern masculinity. Speaking from his garage, Ridge detailed his groundbreaking approach to life, one that boldly discards the written wisdom of engineers, designers and people who actually know what they’re talking about.
The Art of Ignoring Instructions
“It’s about instinct,” Ridge said, confidently pointing at an unopened flat-pack furniture kit while holding a hammer. “Instructions are for the weak. Real men use their primal knowledge, trial-and-error and, if necessary, duct tape.”
Witnesses confirmed that Ridge’s latest endeavor, a bookshelf that now resembles a modern art frobnitz, was completed after a grueling four-hour battle involving swearing, sweating and an ominous amount of leftover screws. When asked why he didn’t consult the manual, Ridge scoffed.
“Consulting the ma— Look, I don’t need a book to explain me how to put a plank on top of another plank, alright? These things are just logical to me, plus they didn’t even do it correctly. Check this for example: the holes here don’t match, I’ll have to drill new ones there.” he said, conveniently ignoring his wife’s ‘s raised eyebrow and the label stating “This side up.”
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DIY Hazards
Sheila, Ridge’s wife, has been both supportive and exasperated by her husband’s methods. “He’s… creative,” she said diplomatically, pointing to a leaning coffee table that doubles as a conversation starter. “He calls it a ‘bespoke design.’ I call it a hazard.”
Despite the occasional setback, such as the time Ridge’s barbecue spontaneously combusted mid-burger flip after he insisted he knew how to handle propane safely, he remains undeterred. In fact, he sees his failures as proof of his evolutionary prowess.
“You learn more by messing up,” he declared, while attempting to fix a leaky pipe using Blu-Tack. “Besides, instructions kill creativity. Did Da Vinci have instructions for the Mona Lisa? Nope, he just winged it, and so am I.”
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The Psychology of Overconfidence
Psychologists, however, have a different theory. Dr. Marcy Jones suggests that men like Ridge are engaged in a subconscious battle for relevance in a world where they are increasingly seen for what they are: nitwits. “By refusing to read instructions, they’re reasserting their perceived status as modern-day heroes,” she explained. “In reality, though, they’re mostly just breaking things.”
Meanwhile, Ridge’s neighbors have launched a crowdfunding campaign to replace their garden fence, which collapsed after he attempted to “reinforce” it with leftover IKEA parts. Despite mounting evidence of his destructive prowess, Ridge, however, remains unapologetic.
“Reading instructions is like asking for directions,” he said before adopting a boxing stance for apparently no reason. “It’s for quitters.”
At press time, Ridge was seen hammering a nail into what he believed was a stud wall, except it wasn’t a stud wall. The emergency services have been alerted and the situation seems under control, although Ridge insists the bone protruding out of his arm is “nothing he can’t fix himself.”
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