In a rare and slightly awkward celestial press conference, God, the Almighty Creator, agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview to address His ongoing thoughts about humanity and Earth in general. With over a few millennia of watching things unfold, it seems the divine patience has been pushed to its holy limit.
“It’s not like I expected perfection,” God admitted, rubbing His temples as if an eternity of listening to human prayers had finally caused a migraine. “But I’m not gonna lie, I did expect better.”
The all-powerful deity sat atop a cloud in a nonchalant omnipotence, sipping what appeared to be a heavenly iced mocha. The vibe in the air was more that of a tired dad than of a wrathful deity.
“I mean, when I gave you all free will, it was meant to be a gift, you know?” God began, sighing deeply. “A little autonomy, some critical thinking, but what have you done with it? You argue about masks and vaccines on the internet. Is this where we are now?”
“Is that one of your biggest disappointments?” our correspondent asked.
“One of them? Oh mate, it’s up there, for sure,” God replied, raising an eyebrow. “I threw in a whole plague to see how you’d handle it; something nice and biblical to remind you who’s the boss. And what do you guys do? Start panic-buying toilet paper. How did you even jump to that conclusion? It’s like watching children lose a game of Monopoly and set the house on fire before locking themselves in their bedroom.”
“What about the environment?” our reporter probed, hoping to steer things into more pressing matters.
“The environment?” God echoed, sounding more than a little annoyed. “Oh man, where do I even begin? I gave you a perfect, self-regulating planet. Oceans, forests, animals that practically look after themselves. Easy, and still, you’re drilling into it like you’re looking for some kind of buried treasure. Seriously, guys, it’s 2024 and now you’ve got more plastic in the ocean than fish. I counted.”
He shook His head, clearly dispirited. “Don’t even get me started on global warming. I specifically made you a climate that wouldn’t boil you alive and you lot are out there acting like ‘temperature’ is just a suggestion. How many times do I have to send hurricanes before you get the message?”
“Do you ever intervene?” continued our correspondent, curious if divine wrath was still a card on the table.
“Every now and then I’ll throw in a sign or two. You know, floods, locusts, a few forest fires. But honestly, it’s just exhausting now. You ignore every single one of them. I could send you a tidal wave with a neon sign that says, ‘Stop It,’ and you’d still find a way to blame it on the millennials.”
God leaned back, folding His holy and surprisingly pumped arms. “Look, I’ll admit, I screwed up with the dinosaurs. There was a design flaw and they ended up farting their way to global warming, but you lot have no excuse! I’m genuinely baffled.”
Read also: Breaking: Bodybuilder Discovers New Muscle, Science Left Gobsmacked
“You mentioned prayers earlier. What’s your take on those?”
God’s eyes narrowed and He let out a long breath. “Well… Ok, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a heartfelt prayer. But seriously, 90% of what comes through is nonsense. You’d think I’d get more ‘world peace’ requests, but nope, mostly it’s people praying for lottery wins, asking me to ‘fix’ their Wi-Fi or even trying to get me to smite their neighbors for not mowing the lawn or whatever other nonsense.”
“And football games!” He chuckled before taking a sip of His drink. “Ooh the football games. The amount of prayers I get about football, are you serious? You think I’m out here picking sides for the Champions League? I’m God, damn it, not the VAR!”
“What about your greatest hits, like the Ten Commandments? How do you feel those are holding up?”
God rolled His eyes. “Mate, those were supposed to be the absolute bare minimum. I didn’t think ‘don’t kill each other’ would be that hard to follow. Honestly, I kind of expected humans would trip up on the adultery one but surprisingly it’s the murder and lying ones that seem to be causing the most problems. I had to add the ‘no other gods’ rule because you lot started worshiping golden cows. I thought it was clear. Also what’s up with the whole slave thing? I don’t know who was your editor but somebody made that one up.”
“So, what’s the deal with all the wars, then?” our correspondent asked, knowing full well where the answer was headed.
“Hah, the wars. Well, you’d think after the first couple of wars, you would realize it’s not the answer, but no, you just keep finding new reasons to fight. Land, religion, oil, pineapple on pizza, you name it. You’d kill for anything. I gave you life and you’re using it like it’s a disposable razor. It’s ridiculous.”
“Speaking of religions,” our correspondent ventured cautiously, “there’s a lot of debate about which one is right.”
“Mate, I don’t care about that,” God said, rubbing His temples again. “Look, I sent out a few prophets to get the message across – some of them even did a decent job – but you humans, you twisted everything! You made religion a competitive sport. Newsflash: It’s all the same story with a different packaging. Be kind to each other, don’t be a jerk, try not to destroy the planet. Rings a bell? It’s not that hard.”
“Is there anything humanity’s done right?” our reporter asked, hopeful for at least one positive takeaway.
God paused for a moment, thinking. “Well, there’s… tacos. That was a good one. Oh and the polio vaccine! That was solid and honestly unexpected. You still couldn’t wash your hands to save your lives, though, that’s very disappointing.”
There was a brief silence as God seemed to reconsider the entire human race. “Honestly, your track record isn’t great. You invented the internet, alright, but then you decided to use it for cat videos and spreading misinformation. I’ve seen what’s on Reddit. It’s not good.”
“Any plans to intervene on a larger scale?”
God sighed deeply. “Look, I’m trying to let you sort yourselves out. You know, free will and all that, but if you keep going like this, I might have to pull out another flood. No promises, though. Last time, it didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. Noah was a nice guy, I’ll give him that, but have you ever tried herding two of every animal onto a boat? Nightmare, I’m not doing this again.”
“What advice would you give humanity moving forward?”
“Stop being idiots,” God said bluntly. “I gave you brains, opposable thumbs and a planet that sustains life. It’s not rocket science: Be decent to each other, stop ruining the planet, and maybe cut back on social media and the influencers. You shouldn’t need divine intervention to know what’s right.”
Read also: Influencers
As the interview wrapped up, God glanced at His watch as apparently even the Almighty has other things to do. “You’ve got potential,” He said with a half smile. “But for now, I’m going to take a break and focus on other galaxies. Try not to blow yourselves up while I’m gone.”
Editor’s Note: Rumors suggest that following the interview, God’s celestial council began drafting an official statement to humanity. While the exact wording is still under review, sources indicate that it may be titled “You Had One Job.”
