In what experts are calling the “most underwhelming alien abduction in history,” local man Trevor Dullard, 37, claims he was abducted by extraterrestrial beings last Thursday night. However, in a twist no one saw coming – except maybe his wife – the aliens returned Trevor to Earth within just two hours, citing that he was, in their words, “insufferably annoying.”
“I thought I was chosen, you know? Special,” Trevor told us, wearing his Star Wars pajamas and a tin foil hat that he swears protects him from 5G. “I always knew they would come for me. I’ve watched enough episodes of Ancient Aliens! But then they dropped me back home quicker than a bad date.”
Trevor recalls the moment of his abduction as a classic alien experience: bright lights, paralysis and a strange suction noise, which he initially mistook for the neighbor’s vacuum cleaner. “I was floating up into the spacecraft, thinking, ‘This is it! I’m going to be Earth’s ambassador to the universe!’” Instead, his celestial adventure was more akin to a cosmic Uber ride, with a swift refund and a bad review.
Extraterrestrial Insight
According to Trevor, he was aboard the spacecraft for about 15 minutes before things went south – or, in this case, back to Earth. “It all started when I began telling them about my theory on crop circles and how they’re probably just alien graffiti,” Trevor explained. “I could see they weren’t interested, but I thought, ‘Hey, I’ve got all the time in the universe now, might as well educate them, right?’”
Wrong.
Alien sources, speaking exclusively through their intergalactic translator app, confirmed Trevor’s account, though with a few added details. “We were curious about Earthlings but we didn’t expect this,” said Commander Xzlorg, captain of the exploration team. “He wouldn’t stop talking. It was non-stop. Politics, gluten intolerance and, for some reason, the benefits of intermittent fasting. By the time he started explaining his crypto portfolio, we knew we had to get rid of him.”
A Swift Return to Earth
In a highly unusual move, Trevor was dropped back to his backyard where his wife, Linda Dullard, found him complaining about the “poor craftsmanship” of the alien ship. “He said their spaceship’s interior looked like a cheap Ikea knockoff and that they should upgrade to something more ‘sleek and futuristic,’” Linda shared, rolling her eyes. “Honestly, I’m not surprised they brought him back. I would’ve too.”
The aliens reportedly also mentioned that Trevor attempted to give them a lecture on the proper way to grill a beef patty, insisting that even extraterrestrials needed to understand American cuisine. “They seemed frustrated,” Trevor admitted. “But I knew I was doing them a favor, you know?”
Linda, who had been enjoying a peaceful evening of TV without Trevor’s unsolicited conspiracy theories, was less than thrilled by his sudden return. “I was hoping for at least a week of silence,” she said. “Instead, I got him back within two hours, same as if he’d just went out to buy milk.”
Alien Final Words: “Never Again”
According to Commander Xzlorg, the alien species has made a collective decision to avoid Earth for the foreseeable future. “We were planning an extended study of human life,” he explained, “but if Trevor is a representative of the population, we’ll be sticking to Mars. At least the robots don’t talk back.”
In response to the failed abduction, Trevor has now started a podcast called “The Alienated Alien Abductee,” where he shares his theories on why the aliens couldn’t handle his brilliance. “They’re probably just intimidated,” Trevor mused. “I was too much for their advanced brains to process.”
The Remaining Question: Is Trevor Too Annoying for the Universe?
While Trevor believes the aliens missed out on learning from “one of Earth’s finest minds,” Linda and the rest of the town remain unconvinced. “The man can’t even assemble a flat pack dresser without complaining for six hours,” Linda said. “I’m honestly surprised they lasted that long.”
For now, the world waits to see if Trevor’s extraterrestrial acquaintances will ever return but according to Linda, it’s unlikely. “They did what I should have done. If I were them, I’d never look back,” she sighed.
