Gone are the days when we looked to scholars, artists or even politicians (muffled laugh) for guidance. We’ve now turned to influencers, those glorious beacons of human achievement. Who needs Aristotle when you’ve got Kevvins with 3 million followers to teach you how to bench optimally? We live in an era where life’s most profound questions, that is “How should I live?” and “Which skincare routine will make me look like an Instagram filter IRL?”, are answered by people whose biggest talent is being able to make brunch look like the Sistine Chapel.
Once upon a time, an “influencer” was that annoying kid in school who convinced you to smoke behind the bike shed. But not anymore, no, now it’s someone who uses words like “collab” and “content creation” while doing absolutely jack shit. It’s genius, really. Take a selfie, slap a filter on it and boom! You’re the Dalai Lama of avocado toast. I mean, where would we be without their constant updates? Without knowing their precise Starbucks order, how could I ever decide between a caramel macchiato or a pumpkin-spiced atrocity? And don’t get me started on the importance of seeing their ad posts about slimming teas which, let’s be honest, are just overpriced diarrhoea in a sachet.
Read also: Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style
But contrary to the popular belief, being an influencer is actually hard work. First you need to master the art of looking effortlessly fabulous while lying to your audience about how “relatable” you are. “Woke up like this”? No, you didn’t, Kateyy. We all know you spent two hours contouring your face into an optical illusion that would confuse even M.C. Escher. Next up, there’s the constant struggle of pretending that you actually use the product you’re paid to praise. Honestly, watching these influencers pretend that they’ve been lifelong users of some obscure skincare brand is comedy gold. “I’ve been using this snail mucus serum for years, and I just love how it makes my skin glow!” Sure, Steve, me too.
These modern oracles offer up pearls of wisdom to their adoring followers such as “Stay hydrated, babes!” while holding up a $50 bottle of alkaline water (Nestlé, if you read this, it’s for you). “It’s super important for your skin!” Thanks, Susan, I didn’t realize I had to drink water to stay alive. But then come the giveaways! Let’s not forget about the blessed giveaways, guys! Who wouldn’t want to follow 72 random accounts, tag 10 friends and share the post to maybe win a shout-out and a jug of preworkout that may or may not give you a heart attack? It’s the lottery of our generation, except instead of winning millions, you might get a temporary boost to your collapsing self-esteem.
Read also: You Aged Like Milk, So What?
Influencers really are the philosophers of our time. Forget Socrates and his “know thyself” nonsense. Today’s deep thinkers prefer wisdom like “Live your best life” and “Good vibes only”. It’s profound, life-altering and can usually be found on their Instagram stories, right next to a link to the latest “must-have” face mask that you absolutely need if you want to be as glowing as them (and around 400 bucks poorer).
And I want to end this post on a wishful note: may they continue blessing us with discount codes, aspirational selfies and a standard of living that we will never be able to afford. They are the true heroes of the modern age, not doctors, not scientists, not teachers. No, mate, it’s the dude who convinced me that I could achieve inner peace by subscribing to his daily guided meditation and yoga routine.
