Welcome, slackers, daydreamers and “I’ll do it tomorrow”-ers. If you’re here, it’s because you’ve got work to do but doing it just doesn’t vibe with your life right now, am I right? Maybe it never will but fear naught for I am here to teach you how to procrastinate like a pro: with style, finesse and absolutely no shame. Let’s elevate that habit into an art form, shall we?
Step 1: Convince Yourself That You Need “Optimal Conditions”
Work? Now? In these conditions? Are you mad? First you need the perfect environment! A warm beverage – or a cold one but for sure not the one you have right now – the right playlist, maybe the light isn’t hitting the room quite right for productivity. Oh hey look at that, it’s almost 4 p.m. already! Guess it will have to wait until tomorrow when, surely, the planets will align, your coffee will be brewed by unicorns, and your playlist will only contain songs composed by Beethoven and Ed Sheeran collaborating in the afterlife. You see, you can’t possibly work until the vibe is perfect and that, my friend, could take days.
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Step 2: Rearrange Everything You Own
Got an essay due in a few hours? Perfect time to reorganize your sock drawer by fabric, color and emotional significance. That pile of paper on your desk has been a mess for ages, surely it needs to be sorted before you can concentrate. And let’s not forget the existential dread of not having your apps properly categorized on your phone. You can’t possibly start working until your life is in perfect order and that just so happens to involve spending the next three hours alphabetizing your collection of takeaway menus.
Step 3: Research the Most Useless Stuff
You sat down to start writing that report but suddenly you need to know how long a giraffe can sleep standing up (5 minutes at a time but up to 30 times a day according to my research.) You just needed to know! Next up, you’ve fallen into a rabbit hole of “Top 10 Animals You Didn’t Know Existed” videos starring the Pink Fairy Armadillo and now you’re educating yourself on the socio-political implications of the Tasmanian Tiger’s extinction (spoiler: it’s bad and now you’re too sad to work). Well done, you’ve been productive! Not in any way that matters, though.
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Step 4: Declare It’s Time for a Break Before You Even Begin
Come on mate, you deserve a break! You’ve mentally prepared yourself to work today, which is basically the same as working. Pour yourself a glass of something and maybe catch up on that Netflix series you’ve been meaning to finish. You’re definitely going to start after this episode, though! Or the next one. I mean, the cliffhanger was pretty intense, maybe just finish the whole season just to be sure. Either way, you’re totally about to get started!
Step 5: Tell Everyone You’re “Super Busy”
The key to stylish procrastination is letting everyone around you believe that you’re working harder than anyone else on the planet. When people ask how you’re doing, just sigh deeply and tell them you’ve been swamped, absolutely flooded with work. This way, when the deadline inevitably creeps up on you, you’ve already built up a solid backstory of how you’ve been “grinding” for weeks. And when it all ultimately turns into last minute chaos, you can casually drop the “it’s been a nightmare” line and get sympathy without anyone questioning your inefficiency.
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Step 6: Stress About the Deadline, But Don’t Do Anything
Let’s face it: there’s nothing more satisfying than complaining about how much you have to do without actually doing it. Actually there is: complaining about how everything was better “back in my days” but that’s a topic for later. Whine to your friends, text your family about how overwhelmed you are, maybe even tweet or X or whatever it’s called today a cryptic “Why do deadlines exist?!”. Congrats, you’ve now successfully convinced yourself and the world that you’re stressed. But here’s the kicker: stress is just another excuse to not get anything done. So congratulations once again because you’ve leveled up!
Step 7: Finally Start… At 2 AM, Running on Fear
I love the smell of panic-fueled productivity in the morning. There’s no motivator like the adrenaline rush of realizing you’re about to fail spectacularly if you don’t start right now. And so, at 2 AM, armed with caffeine, despair and your questionable life choices, you finally open that Word Document. Sure your brain is fried and your body hates you, maybe your soul is weeping a little, but you’ll bash out something half-decent in the next four hours. Who needs sleep anyway when you’ve got the prospect of looming failure to keep you going?
Step 8: Vow to Never Procrastinate Again (Until Next Time)
Once you’ve limped across the finish line, barely alive but you actually managed, you will promise yourself never to do it again. It’s a nice thought but deep down you know it’s bound to happen again… Got a new deadline? Sounds about time to rearranging your fridge!
There you have it my dearlings, this is how to procrastinate with style. Wear it like a badge of honor because the world doesn’t need another overachiever. What it needs is more people able to binge-watch a series in a day and still pretend they’re getting piles of work done. This is art!
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