Alright, my nice marmot, if you’ve somehow stumbled upon this guide, chances are you’ve hit a fork in the road to chill. Your vibes? They’re off. Your aura? It’s down there somewhere, just take another look. Now it’s time for a reality check, dude: You’re being very undude. And that’s just not, like, my opinion, man – it’s objectively and completely true.
But fret not, for this guide is here to help you get back to the hallowed status of His Dudeness (or Her Dudeness, works just as well.) Let’s get you back in your element, you glorious legend, let’s dive into a few signs you’re spiraling into undudeness and, of course, how to remedy each one so you can ride the wave of life without constantly wiping out. Remember: if you will it, it is no dream.
1. You’re Sweating the Small Stuff
Listen, man, there’s nothing more undude than getting all bent out of shape because your oat milk was a little too foamy or because someone didn’t like your latest “artsy” post on Instagram. A dude doesn’t fuss over trivial things; he abides. I know what you’re thinking: you got buddies who died face down in the muck so that you and I could enjoy this, but if you’re losing your cool over a coffee order, you’re miles away from dudeness.
Solution: Next time undude anger bubbles up, picture yourself floating down a lazy river, maybe with a White Russian in hand or in a room that’s really tied together. Let the foamy oat milk be the water, man, just roll with it. Imagine you’re bowling and the pins don’t even matter. The only thing that matters is, are you chill? Because life is gonna keep handing you the wrong coffee, and you’ve gotta be calmer than you are.
Read also: Guide: Living with Anxiety
2. Your Wardrobe Screams “Tryhard”
Dudes don’t overthink what they wear. They throw on whatever’s comfortable, vaguely clean and maybe something they can get away with wearing in a supermarket without too many side-eyes. If your closet looks like it was curated by a high-end fashion consultant, you’re not dressing like a dude; you’re dressing like someone who would complain about the color of a toe polish.
Solution: Simplify, simplify, simplify. Strip it back to the basics: two or three shirts, one pair of trousers and if you’ve got a bathrobe that’s seen some better days, even better. Look, the goal here is to reach a level of sartorial apathy that says, “I have transcended style. I am comfort incarnate.” And if anyone critiques your clothes, well, that’s just, like, their opinion, man. You can just walk away.
3. You’ve Got a Schedule and It’s Jam-Packed
If you’re so booked that you can’t catch a mid-afternoon nap on a stranger’s couch, you’re dangerously close to full undude territory. A true dude doesn’t rush; he ambles, maybe even shuffles. No appointments, no self-improvement podcasts. Just pure, undiluted downtime.
Solution: Cancel something. Hell, cancel everything! Empty out a whole day and see where the vibe takes you. If you end up sprawled on that friend’s couch, pondering a half-empty glass and the meaning of life, that’s perfection. A dude would rather spend an hour spacing out in a dive bar than over-scheduling. If someone tries to throw in a last-minute meeting, remember that accepting means you’re entering a world of pain.
Read also: Guide: ADHD, How to Function When Your Brain is a Pinball Machine
4. You’re Checking Your Phone Like It’s Life Support
No true dude checks his phone every few minutes. That’s for amateurs, squares and corporate types. Phones weren’t made for dudes; dudes were made for face-to-face conversations with bartenders and stoners. If you’re glued to your screen, you’re basically straying into the uptight “business dude” lifestyle, which is definitely undude.
Solution: Go analog. Go old-school. Turn off your notifications, or chuck the thing down there, somewhere, and pretend you don’t know what in God’s holy name people are blathering about. Head outside and breathe in the sweet air of not giving a toss. Remember, the only calls that really matter are the ones you don’t need to answer. And if someone’s texting you “Where are you?!” just respond with “Far out,” and let them figure it out.
5. You’re Getting Way Too Involved in Online Arguments
Alright, here’s a big one. Maybe this had not occurred to you, dude, but you know what a dude would never, ever do? Get into an online debate over pineapple on pizza or the latest cryptocurrency craze. A real dude lets people have their weird little opinions and strolls on by. That’s what it means to abide, man. Who cares if someone’s wrong on the internet? It’s, not even a real place!
Solution: When you feel the urge to type out that passionate rebuttal, just remember: you’re over the line. You don’t need to engage. Instead, mark it 0, throw on a little Creedence Clearwater Revival and let the internet argue with itself. It’ll be there tomorrow, and the day after that, and none of it matters in the grand scheme of chill.
6. You’re Trying Way Too Hard to “Find Yourself”
Ah, the journey of self-discovery. Let’s get one thing clear, man: dudes don’t go seeking their own souls. A dude is happy just being a dude, no need for silent retreats or some “life-changing” ayahuasca trip, though some psychedelics here and there never hurt anyone. Seeking chillness is the fastest way to lose it. Real dudes are content with themselves, their surrounding and the occasional drink with friends who might owe them a bit of cash.
Solution: Cancel that retreat, delete the meditation app and go sit by a river or in your bathtub. “Finding yourself” isn’t something that costs $2,000 and involves chanting in a yurt. Chill is right here, right now, as long as you don’t chase it. The key to dudeness is inaction. Just be – no retreat required.
Read also: Breaking: Man Meditates Once for 10 Minutes, Claims He’s the Buddha
Chill or Be Chilled
Sometimes there’s a man – and I’m talking about a dude here – sometimes there’s a man, well, he’s the man for his time and place (or woman, works just as well.) In the immortal words of a dude far wiser than me, “Take it easy, man.” If any part of this guide struck a chord, then you’re already on the way to becoming a slightly better dude. Remember, being a dude isn’t about giving up responsibilities or living like a wandering cowboy; it’s about letting go of the needless stress, expectations and definitely pants with non-elastic waistbands.
So, as you re-embark on Your Dudeness journey, remember the basics: don’t sweat it, don’t schedule it and for the love of all things chilled out, don’t overthink it. This isn’t ‘Nam; there are rules. And if life gets too complicated, just whisper to yourself, “What would a dude do?” and abide accordingly – at least it’s an ethos.
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