Let’s face it, mate: your girlfriend (or wife for those of you who followed this guide) is a certified smoke show, and you, well… you’re the human equivalent of a round of blue cheese. But don’t panic, you potato sack, because this guide is here to help you navigate life as the less-attractive half of a relationship without completely collapsing under the weight of your own mediocrity. Let’s get real: if you’re reading this, you’ve already hit the jackpot, but let’s make sure you don’t screw it like the greasy orc that you are.
Step 1: Accept Your Fate With What’s Left of Your Dignity
The first step to survival? Acceptance. You are not the prize here, pal. In fact, you’re not even the participation trophy. At the best you’re the “Thanks for showing up” ribbon. Your partner probably keeps you around as a charming accessory, like a quirky pair of socks that somehow still get worn. You look like a toxic mushroom, but that’s okay! Own it. Learn to accept that you’ll never be the face of the relationship and be proud to stand in the background of her selfies, slightly out of focus, looking like a confused garden gnome.
Step 2: Master the Art of Compliments
When you’re dating someone who looks like they stepped out of a glossy magazine while you look like someone who fell off the back of a delivery truck, you need to compensate. How? Compliments. Constantly, but also not too much that it gets weird, you weirdo. Here’s the trick: you have to make them seem spontaneous, not like you’ve been reading “How to Keep a Hot Partner When You Look Like a Sad Pickle” on Reddit (though we both know you have.)
Try stuff like:
- “Wow, you look stunning today!” This one works every day, yes, even when she’s in sweatpants and hasn’t brushed her hair. Trust me. Use it but don’t abuse it!
- “I don’t deserve you.” You really truly don’t but be careful with this one: don’t be whiny. It’s best used as a replacement for ‘thank you’.
- “I can’t believe we are together!” Because, let’s be honest, every day is a miracle she hasn’t left you for a fitness influencer or that random guy with the perfect smile who runs marathons for charity.
Step 3: Develop a Niche Talent
Look, you can’t compete with her looks, so you need something else to stand on. Find your thing. Become the best at something so irrelevant, it’s endearing. Can you juggle? Do some card tricks? Can you beat anyone at Mario Kart? Hell, maybe you’re great at folding fitted sheets (weird flex though, but okay.) Whatever it is, lean into it. It’s your only hope of seeming remotely valuable.
“Oh, your girlfriend looks like a supermodel?” “Yeah, but I can name all the capital cities of Europe. Without looking!”
Boom: A semblance of balance has been restored.
Step 4: Be Funny – or at Least Try, but Not Too Hard
There’s a reason a lot of unattractive blokes manage to date absolute stunners: they’re funny. Turns out humor can sometimes outweigh the fact that you’ve got the aesthetic appeal of a thumb in a wig. But, here’s the kicker: you have to actually be funny. Sarcasm, self-deprecation, the occasional dad joke. Again: lean into it. Just don’t go full stand-up comedian, you creep. You’re not auditioning for a Netflix special, just trying to keep the relationship afloat.
Pro Tip: When she complains about something minor, hit her with, “It’s hard being perfect, I guess. Wouldn’t know, but I can imagine.” You know, tying up with the compliment thing we mentioned earlier. Pay attention, damn it!
Step 5: Stay Fit… Ish
Now I know this sounds harsh, but just because you somehow scored a total 10 doesn’t mean you get to sit around being a human-shaped pillow. You’ve got to at least pretend you’re trying. Maybe go to the gym once in a while, do a push-up or two, walk briskly past a salad, I don’t know. You don’t have to get jacked, you’re too far gone for that, but you should at least aim to be the kind of “dad bod” that says, “I occasionally care.” You’re not getting her body, but you can at least make sure she doesn’t actively cringe when she sees you shirtless.
Step 6: Accept That Her Instagram Will Always Look Like a Model’s Portfolio While Yours is a Dumpster Fire
Her Instagram is a carefully curated masterpiece: candid shots that look professional, sun-dappled selfies, group shots where she always looks flawless, no matter how chaotic the background. Meanwhile, your Instagram looks like a crime scene where the victim is your dignity. You’ve got pictures of your half-eaten sandwich from two months ago, maybe a blurry shot of a sunset, and that one time you tried to take a picture with your dog, but it just looks like you’re wrestling him.
Here’s the deal: let her take the pictures. Let her arrange your life so that you almost look cool. Don’t fight it. Her magic is your saving grace. Also, for the love of decorum, make your Instagram account private.
Step 7: Remember: She Chose You (For Reasons Unknown to Science, but Still)
In the end there’s a silver lining: despite the fact that you look like an extra from a movie about cavemen, she chose you. Most likely to the great surprise of everybody, you have somehow convinced this semi-goddess to date you, and let’s be honest, you don’t even know how you did it. Magic? Bribery? We’ll never know, I just hope it wasn’t drugs. But here you are, defying all logic and common sense. You’ve done the impossible. Now just please don’t mess it up.
There you are, enjoy your spot next to the sun while you can, because let me tell you: you’re walking on thin ice here, Jabba. Keep that wit sharp, your compliments flowing, and remember: you’re punching above your weight. That’s okay so far but don’t take too many chances.
Now go on, you lucky jar of mayonnaise. Make the most of it before she realizes her mistake!
