Some people prefer words of affirmation, others gifts or maybe quality time. But if you’re reading this, it’s because your beloved – bless their cynical heart – has mastered the art of expressing love through… complaining. Yes, my lucky kiwi, your partner’s deepest affections are conveyed in sighs, eyerolls, self-pity and lengthy rants about life’s smallest inconveniences. How to deal with it? I’m glad you asked!
Step 1: Understand the Subtle Beauty of Their Craft
First, let’s get one thing straight: they’re not whining, my darling. They’re communicating. Every huff about the neighbor’s children or groan about the weather is actually an encoded message just waiting for you to decode it with your infinite wisdom. Let’s see some examples:
What they say: “Ugh, the Wi-Fi is so slow today!”
Translation: “I feel comfortable enough around you to express my frustrations about minor inconveniences.”
What they say: “The traffic was awful this morning.”
Translation: “I spent time in a metal box surrounded by idiots, but now I’m here with you, and you’re the only idiot I’m willing to tolerate.”
It’s basically poetry but with more passive-aggressive undertones.
Step 2: Don’t Try to Fix It, You Fool
Right now you might be thinking “I’ll fix the Wi-Fi” or “I’ll offer a solution to the traffic problem.” Wrong, you flat plank! Complaining isn’t a cry for help; it’s a sport. They’re not looking for solutions, they’re looking for validation. You wouldn’t interrupt a Shakespearean monologue, so don’t you dare interrupt theirs!
Quick summary for the slower of us:
DO NOT:
- Suggest practical solutions
- Point out how the problem isn’t that bad
- Say, “Just ignore it” (Unless you enjoy sleeping on the couch)
RATHER, DO:
- Nod sympathetically
- Offer vague, agreeable statements like, “Yeah, that sucks,” “Seriously?!” or “How dare they!”
- Occasionally toss in an exaggerated sigh to show you’re equally frustrated (even though you couldn’t care less about Jen’s overcooked muffins at the bake sale.)
- Most importantly: pay attention at least a little bit. If you don’t and they notice, they will complain about that as well. If this happens, you’re on your own, mate.
Step 3: Embrace the Competitive Nature of Complaints
Complaining, like any great art form, thrives on one-upmanship. Don’t be shy, your partner will appreciate it if you join the game. Oh, they’re complaining about the overpriced coffee? Agree and top it with how the office vending machine is STILL out of order. Your goal here is not to belittle their complaint, but to rise to their level.
Remember: this is a bonding experience, like tennis, but with more fuming and less exercise. And also less boring than tennis.
Step 4: Complaining by Proxy
One of the advanced stages of mastering the love language of complaining is doing it for them. Did their favorite show get cancelled? Complain on their behalf. “I can’t believe they cancelled that show! It had the best writing, unlike those lousy other shows!”
This will give your partner the warm, fuzzy feeling that you’re in tune with their world, ready to share their burdens, even the ones they haven’t gotten around to yet.
Step 5: Appreciate the Quiet Moments
When your partner isn’t complaining, it’s a rare and precious moment. Don’t be fooled into thinking this is permanent bliss, though. This silence isn’t a sign that everything’s fine, it’s more likely they’re saving up a bigger complaint for later, something truly worth a rant, or maybe it’s just because they’ve fallen asleep. Use this time wisely! Recharge, meditate and prepare for the next iteration of how the world, once again, has failed to meet their exact standards. Take a deep breath, but don’t let your guard down!
Now is time for some strategic thinking: You could try deflecting future complaints by fixing small problems now, but that’s a risky game: solve too many issues and you might rob them of their favorite pastime or, worse, get them used to you fixing stuff around. You don’t want that. Instead, leave just enough unresolved to keep things interesting, maybe create a problem or two that are easy enough to solve so you come out as the hero.
And if the silence stretches too long, don’t panic! It’s not the end of the world, just the calm before the next whine-storm. Sit back, but stay alert. You’ve survived this long, but the next rant is coming and you’ll need to be ready with your best “Aw damn, really?!”
Love in the Time of Whingeing
Complaining is your partner’s way of reminding you that the world is a messy, frustrating place, but at least you get to be frustrated together. When they complain, they’re opening up, letting you into their inner world of everyday annoyances. That’s basically intimacy, mate.
So, the next time they start with, “Ugh, can you believe…” just remember, they’re not just being negative. They’re showing you love, one gripe at a time.
And if all else fails, just nod and say, “Yeah, babe, it’s the absolute worst.”
