So, it’s 9 p.m. on a Tuesday night., you’re minding your own business scrolling through memes or half-watching some nonsense on Netflix when she hits you with the question. That question.
“Would you still love me if I was a worm?”
Let that sink in for a second, because it’s not just a question; it’s a test. A labyrinth of emotional landmines, a riddle, an enigma squished inside a pile of soil where apparently she now resides as some kind of slimy invertebrate.
So, what do you do, genius? Do you immediately laugh it off? Do you take a deep, contemplative pause and start considering what life would look like living with an actual worm as a partner? Well buckle up, mate, because either way, you’re doomed.
Step 1: Don’t Laugh. Or Cry. Or Breathe Too Loudly.
The first instinct for anyone with half a brain cell might be to laugh. Do not do this! I repeat for the dimwit in the back: Do – Not – Do – This! You think you’re smart but she’s already two steps ahead, and that laugh? That’s ground for immediate relationship termination. Now if that’s what you want, be my guest, but for those of us who can’t believe we managed to score someone with a pulse, I would advise against it. She’s not asking if you’d still love her if she were a literal worm, idiot. This is a complex, multi-layered metaphor, designed to measure your devotion, your imagination and possibly your sanity. It’s not a joke. It’s a test to see if you’d still care about her even if society (or, you know, biology) made her “less desirable.”
Step 2: Answer Quickly, But Wisely
Don’t sit there like some halfwit contemplating the evolutionary ramifications of dating an earthworm. You’ve got maybe 8 seconds max before she decides you’re a cold-hearted psycho who wouldn’t even bother feeding her dead leaves if she transformed into a tube-shaped dirt-dweller. Don’t call her that, by the way.
Hit her with something like, “Of course, babe. I’d carry you around in a cute little jar and take care of you.” Now, is this a ridiculous thing to say? Absolutely. But you need to show that you’re “all in,” no matter how insane the premise.
Step 3: Go Full Disney Prince Mode
If you’re already sinking in the quicksand of absurdity, commit fully. Tell her you’d build her a tiny little worm palace. Say you’d learn how to speak worm so you could still talk to her. Maybe even throw in a bit about how you’d write tiny little love letters to her on pieces of leaf. It doesn’t matter how impractical or cringe-inducing this sounds to your logical mind, no, she’s just testing your ability to embrace chaos here.
Step 4: Don’t Ask Her If She’d Love You If You Were a Worm
Mate, don’t even try flipping the script. First the answer would be no, and second, this isn’t about you. Asking her if she’d love you if you were a worm is like trying to change the rules in the middle of a chess game, only for your opponent to slap with the board. You won’t win. She will, however, find ways to turn it into a character assessment about why you’d even ask such a question.
Step 5: Reflect on Your Life Choices
At this point, you should take a moment to wonder how the hell you ended up here, with a (hopefully) human woman interrogating you about hypothetical worm-love scenarios. But then again, you chose this path. Now, you’re forever trapped in a cycle of elaborate mental gymnastics about love in the face of increasingly bizarre metaphysical transformations.
Will she one day ask you if you’d still love her if she were a sentient piece of toast? A gust of wind? A sentient cloud that only rains on Tuesdays? It doesn’t matter! You better be prepared for all of it.
The Secret: Lie
Here’s the truth, mate: nobody loves worms except other worms and maybe biologists, I wouldn’t know, but certainly not you. But that’s irrelevant because this isn’t about worms, it’s about being prepared to bend reality itself for the sake of keeping your relationship intact. So, if you want to keep the peace (and your girlfriend), you better learn to love the hypothetical squirmy version of her, no matter how ridiculous it gets.
And don’t worry, by the time you’ve gotten good at pretending to love She-Worm, she’ll hit you with the next question:
“You forgot what today is, right?”
Good luck with that one, Darwin.
