Guide: You Want Too Much

Let’s face it, you blob: you want too much. Every day, you’re out here with your grabby mindset, hoarding dreams, goals and unrealistic aspirations like a dragon sitting on a pile of gold that you’ll never use. It’s time to calm down, alright? So now please take a deep breath and realize that the problem isn’t the world – it’s you.

Step 1: Admit It

Do you really need a fulfilling career, enough sleep and free time? Pick one, champ, this isn’t a buffet. Life is about compromises and disappointment, not ticking off your insufferable bucket list and throwing a temper tantrum when it doesn’t happen. You can’t have it all, nobody can, so do the world a favor and forget your dreams, alright?

Also, stop pretending you’re some tragic Shakespearean hero because you didn’t land your dream job and a villa in Tuscany by 30. Boohoo, life’s hard. Get over it, Hamlet. Manifesting “vibes” and scribbling affirmations in a journal won’t magically upgrade your life and the only tragic flaw you have is thinking you’re somehow special. Stop trying and accept that mediocrity is your destination.

Step 2: Lower Your Expectations to Basement Level

Why shoot for the stars when you could be content with a light bulb in the attic? Stop yearning for yachts, promotions or a life that doesn’t require therapy. Aim lower, like “I hope the toaster doesn’t burn my bagel” lower. That way, when things go slightly better than terrible, you’ll feel like the gods had mercy.

Think of it as emotional bargain hunting: Got through Monday without crying in the office bathroom? Congratulations, you’re practically winning at life! What more could you possibly want? Managed to pay rent and still afford instant noodles? You’re living the dream, mate, nothing can top that! Keeping expectations low isn’t giving up, it’s the top one life hack to a satisfying existence.

Read also: Guide: You’re Caring Too Much

Step 3: Stop Asking ‘Why (Not) Me?’

Ah, the classic pity party question. “Why me?” Well, why not you, exactly? The universe doesn’t owe you a private jet, six-pack abs or a functional family. Look around, mate: half the planet is just trying to find clean water while the other half is realizing that they irreversibly polluted the clean water they had. Meanwhile, here you are, crying because your Wi-Fi didn’t buffer fast enough and interrupted Netflix. Check yourself, mate.

Let me tell you why you: because you’re just as ordinary as the rest of us, that’s why. You want too much, expect too much and then you act surprised when reality doesn’t roll out a red carpet for your mediocre efforts. You’re not life’s divine exception, you’re just another cog in the wheel of disappointment. The sooner you accept that your problems aren’t unique or special, the sooner you can stop wasting oxygen with your “why me”.

Read also: Breaking: You’re An Asshole

Step 4: Cut Back on Materialism

New shoes? New car? New phone? When did you turn into a magpie, collecting every shiny thing in sight? Newsflash, doorknob: that fancy gadget you’re drooling over will be obsolete in six months and those designer trainers won’t magically make you run any faster. You’re not Cinderella so stop trying to buy a fairy tale, it’s embarrassing.

And before you try claiming the moral high ground, it goes both ways: minimalism is simply wanting less, but louder. Declaring you need nothing while flaunting your curated, overpriced clutter-free “aesthetic” is just materialism in a turtleneck. Don’t kid yourself. Whether you’re hoarding trinkets like a dragon or bragging about how little you own, you’re still defining yourself by your stuff. Pathetic, really.

Step 5: Realize You’re Not Main Character Material

We all like to believe we’re the star of our own movie, but let’s be real: most of us are just background extras in someone else’s story. Wanting too much is what happens when you think you’re the protagonist. Let’s make it clear: you’re not. You’re the uncredited loser holding a coffee cup in the background while the hero (not you) saves the day. Accept it.

Think about it: if your life were a Netflix series, it’d be cancelled after one season for “bland cast”, “disappointing character arc” and “lack of plot development.” You’re not the brooding anti-hero or the quirky underdog destined for greatness, no, you’re barely the forgettable neighbor whose only line is, “Morning!” And that’s fine. The world needs filler characters too. Once you stop demanding main character energy, you can relax into your natural role: quiet observer, occasional and involuntary comic relief, and consistent payer of bills. Should you want more? No! It’s a supporting role, true, but it comes with less pressure and mostly fewer monologues, which is good because nobody wants to hear you.

Step 6: Stop Ruining Everything with Your Goals

Have you noticed that wanting things makes life worse? Wanting a promotion makes you hate your job. Wanting love makes you matchlessly swipe on Tinder until you understand why your parents were never proud of you. Wanting happiness makes you miserable because, surprise, it’s not on sale on Amazon. The solution? Stop wanting. Be content with what you have: crippling depression, low self-esteem and the occasional mental breakdown.

The secret here is to embrace the art of aimless drifting. Goals are just shiny traps that trick you into thinking life has a purpose beyond surviving traffic and remembering to drink water. When you stop chasing achievements, you free yourself to enjoy the little things, like breathing without hyperventilating or eating a sandwich without existential ~~bread~~ dread. Give up the hustle and finally enjoy the sweet freedom of having absolutely no aspirations to ruin your day.

Step 7: Understand That Nobody Cares

Alright I get that this one might hurt but you need to hear it: your desires (and you) are irrelevant. Nobody else cares about your dream home, your dream job or your dream of finding the perfect avocado. Life isn’t plotting against you, nobody cares if the grass is greener on your side and the universe is definitely not conspiring to grant or deny you your wishes. You’re just not that important.

But there’s solace in irrelevance: it means you can stop trying so damn hard. No one’s watching, judging or keeping score. I mean, people definitely are doing those things but do you want to live your life worrying about it? If you’ve come this far, you know that the answer is no. You can wear whatever clothes you want, ditch the self-improvement podcast, slack off, eat cereal for dinner and yell at the birds, just like humans were meant to.

Read also: Guide: You’re Paranoid

Stop Wanting

Here’s the harsh truth: you want too much because of something that most likely requires years of therapy and I’m not paid enough to deal with it, so I’ll dumb it down for you: just cut it. Quit wanting and maybe, when you’re not looking, some bits of happiness will slap you in the face. Probably not though. In all likelihood, you will keep on living your miserable shipwreck of a life, just as you’ve been doing all along. But honestly, who cares? Life’s a lot easier when you’re as boring as everyone else anyway.

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