Congratulations, my little mongoose! You’ve finally realized something that most of us noticed about a couple eons ago: you have absolutely no common sense. Like none of it – and don’t kid yourself: you can’t make it with up with your looks because, well, your looks are… Alright, focus, common sense – you wouldn’t recognize it if it came up and stapled itself to your forehead, but don’t be afraid, for I’m here to offer you a brutally honest guide to navigate this whole “thinking before acting” thing..
Step 1: Identifying When You’ve Missed the Obvious
To kick things off, let’s address a key skill you’re sorely lacking: spotting the obvious. Let me dumb it down for you. Picture this: you’re about to “save money” by buying a dodgy used car from some rando behind the pub, despite the obvious clanking sounds and the fact that it’s held together with too little duct tape and too much hope. Do you think this is a good idea? In case you needed to hear it: it is not. What’s gonna happen is that this pile rust won’t even get you around the corner before it dies spectacularly, potentially exploding, but surely leaving you stranded and broke. Long story short: you’re the reason why pack of almonds have a “contains nuts” warning label. So next time, instead of making another bad decision like it’s an Olympic discipline, maybe look for the flashing neon signs that scream “DON’T BE AN IDIOT.”
As examples, we compiled a short list of signs you’re about to lack common sense for you:
- You’re planning on impressing your date by cooking a three-course meal when your culinary achievements so far include burnt toast and an undercooked microwave meal. Bad idea.
- You’re attempting to “fix” the Internet by hammering on your router, because “technology responds to brute force.” Bad idea.
- You thought it was smart to start your essay due tomorrow… tomorrow. Not smart. Actually, incredibly stupid. Bad idea.
Read also: Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style
Step 2: Understanding Cause and Effect
Listen, dingbat: just because something is a potential way of doing things doesn’t mean you should do it that way. Common sense is a delicate art of balancing cause and effect. For instance:
- Cause: You decide to test if your car’s dashboard warning light is “for real” by ignoring it.
Effect: You’re on the side of the road at the worst time ever, Googling “my car randomly stopped” - Cause: You think it’s a genius idea to tell your boss you “didn’t feel like” coming in yesterday.
Effect: You’re now feeling free as a bird because you’re unemployed. - Cause: You thought skipping sleep for 48 hours would make you ultra-productive.
Effect: You’re a sleep-deprived zombie, barely functioning and can’t even remember what you were meant to be productive about. - Cause: You decided that eating nothing but raw celery for a week would “detoxify” you.
Effect: Now you’re starving, miserable and deficient in almost every mineral because you didn’t realize that celery has the nutritional value of crunchy water.
Common sense, that thing which you lack, is all about the ability to forecast these charming consequences before they happen. Failing to do so will turn you into a walking circus of bad decisions where not even the clown that you are will be laughing.
Read also: What Health Gurus Don’t Tell You
Step 3: Not Everything Is a Life Hack
These days, “life hacks” are everywhere, and you, as the very common sense-impaired muppet that you are, well you can’t help but eat them up. Newsflash, genius: if you’re trying to cook a roast in your toaster or ironing your clothes with a hair straightener, you’re not a life-hacker. You’re a fire hazard. To avoid you burning yourself, your home or the entire world, here are a few “tips” for your very special interpretation of life hacks:
- Stop using your teeth to open stubborn packaging. First, you’re not a beaver, and second, you’ll probably end up at the dentist again explaining why you bit a stubborn jar of marmalade.
- Don’t attempt any “DIY solution” that involve superglue, nails, a lighter or any power tool without someone responsible nearby. And before you ask: no, you do not count as someone responsible.
- If you catch yourself thinking, “I think I can fix this with duct tape,” you probably can’t and you definitely shouldn’t.
You’re not Bear Grylls, mate, you’re a danger to yourself and every flammable object within a five-mile radius has the potential to become a live grenade in your hands. So please put the lighter down, forget the duct tape and stick to the basics. Let the professionals handle the hacks and if you really want to make a fool of yourself “hacking” your way though life, stick to putting butter in your coffee thinking it will make you “bulletproof.”
Step 4: Listening to People Who Know Better (Yes, They Exist)
Alright, you twit, this is where you’ll have to make the ultimate sacrifice: listening to people who actually have their stuff together. I know, shocking, but sometimes other people have advice that you need to hear. Examples:
- Before you try and one-up the judge with your “personal interpretation of the jurisprudence,” take a step back and consider that they might know a bit more about law than you do.
- Before you try and one-up your GP with your “own research on vaccines,” take a step back and consider that they might know a bit more about infectious diseases than you do.
- Before you try and one-up the IRS with your “calculus,” take a step back and consider that they might know a bit more about tax accounting than you do.
See where this is going? Common sense is about letting go of your completely misguided confidence in yourself. So when your partner says, “Maybe don’t eat that leftover kebab from three nights ago,” don’t eat the kebab. Similarly, when your mom says, “Perhaps you should bring a coat, it’s cold,” just bring the damn coat instead of freezing in a stupid attempt to look “cool.” Spoiler alert: you never look cool.
Step 5: Think Before You Speak
Common sense in conversation is a lost art for you, isn’t it? The next time you feel the urge to tell your in-laws how much better your mom’s cooking is, don’t. And also think twice before launching into a politically loaded Facebook rant about how the earth is flat and vaccines are a conspiracy. Instead, ask yourself:
- Will saying this make people lose the little respect they still have for me? (Spoiler: it will.)
- Will I regret this comment tomorrow? (Double spoiler: you absolutely will.)
- Does anyone want my opinion right now? (Triple spoiler: definitely not.)
It’s always good advice to listen more than you speak but the truth is, people who have the common sense and mental capacity of a toddler – like you – should listen as if they didn’t know how to speak.
Read also: Breaking: Flu Vaccines Turn Children Into Autistic 5G Antennas
Step 6: Handling “Big Decisions”
Alright so, for you, even the smallest decisions require a bit of a guide, but when we’re talking big decisions, you’re downright terrifying. It’s as if as the stakes rise, your common sense abandons ship faster than rats from a sinking barge. You have to lay down some ground rules, like:
- Don’t Quit Your Job Just Because You’re “Bored”
Tempting, right? I know, but maybe don’t trash your main source of income without a backup. Again, I know, it’s scandalous advice, but seriously try it. - Don’t Move Across the Globe for Someone You Met Yesterday
Love is grand, sure, but let’s keep it in check, Romeo. Moving to a town you can’t pronounce for a person you barely know is not the power move you think it is. - Read the Fine Print Before You Sign Stuff
Contracts are not there for decoration. They’re there because, unlike you, people are concerned about long-term consequences.
This is obviously not an exhaustive list but you get the gist: refrain from turning every decision into a personal disaster. If you’re ever feeling that itch to make a “big move,” remember: the point of a big decision is to improve your life, not blow it all up.
Final Tips to Keep You from Complete Annihilation
Now we’ve been through some of the basics, here’s a few final points that you most likely need to not dive head first in a catastrophe:
- Don’t microwave metal. Don’t ask why – just don’t.
- Never ask someone when their baby’s due unless you see a baby exiting their body.
- If you think something’s “probably safe,” it’s not. It’s almost certainly not.
- Never start a sentence with “Hold my beer.” It will end in tragedy.
There you have it, you witless cabbage. Now that you’re armed with the basics of common sense, go forth and try not to injure yourself and annoy the rest of us in the process. Will you actually take any of this to heart? With you, all bets are off, but for the rest of us it’s a bit comforting to know that you’ve at least been told.
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