Welcome to Your Downward Spiral
So, you’re feeling chronically exhausted, unmotivated and mildly dead inside? Congratulations! You’re officially on the fast track to burnout, that wonderful condition where your body and mind simultaneously wave the white flag while you continue to push forward like the absolute moron that you are.
But let’s not be dramatic, right? It’s just stress, just a busy period. The same busy period that’s been going on for the last six years or so. Surely, if you just “power through,” it’ll all magically fix itself. After all, you’re not one of those weaklings who “needs rest” or “values work-life balance.” That’s for lesser beings. You? You’re a perfectionist who “thrives under pressure,” or at least that’s what you keep telling yourself while suppressing the urge to scream into a pillow. If that sounds like you, let’s make sure you make the most out of it!
Step 1: Ignore the Symptoms
Burnout always starts with subtle warning signs followed by a pathetic attempt to convince yourself that everything is fine, such as:
- Extreme fatigue – “Nah, I’m just a bit tired.”
- Excessive Irritability – “Everyone is just annoying this year.”
- Complete Lack of focus – “I just need more coffee.”
- Generalized Apathy – “My life is great and I love my job, I swear.”
Instead of acknowledging these red flags, simply berate yourself out loud, preferably in public, and power through. You can sleep when you’re dead, and at this rate, it will be sooner than expected anyway.
Now let’s be real: subtle or not, you do notice these symptoms and kinda sorta realize that something is wrong, but you don’t want to admit it because admitting it means accepting that you have as much respect for yourself as your ex had for you and you’re a tiny bit afraid that you’ve developed Stockholm syndrome with yourself. It’s much easier to convince yourself that you’re just “hustling” and that everything will return to normal after the next deadline. Or the next one. Or the one after that. Spoiler, you wet fart: by the time you’re done moving the goalpost, you’ll be under your desk in fetal position whispering, “just one more week.”
Read also: Guide: Living with Anxiety
Step 2: Keep Saying ‘Yes’ to Everything
A surefire way to accelerate your breakdown is to take on even more responsibilities. If someone asks you to do something, never say no, even if you’re already drowning. Especially if you’re already drowning!
Typical examples include:
- Boss: “Can you stay late again?”
- You: “Of course! Who needs a social life, or sleep?”
- Acquaintance: “Can you help me move this weekend?”
- You: “Sure, I wasn’t planning on resting anyway.”
- Your brain: “Maybe we should take a break?”
- You: “Shut up.”
Saying yes to everything ensures that your schedule remains overloaded, your stress levels stay sky-high and your descent into burnout continues uninterrupted. The best part? People will actually praise you for this behavior. That’s right, society loves a burnt-out individual! You’ll be called “hardworking,” “dedicated,” maybe even “an inspiration.” People will admire your relentless hustle, all while stepping over your twitching, overworked, pathetic excuse of a body to take their lunch break. Because guess what: nobody actually cares how exhausted you are as long as you’re getting things done so they don’t have to do it themselves.
Read also: Guide: Willpower and Your Lack Thereof
Step 3: Pretend Self-Care Is for the Weak
People such as your therapist will suggest self-care, but you don’t have time for that nonsense. Meditation? Baths? A good night’s sleep? Pathetic. Here’s what to do instead:
- Replace sleep with caffeine – If your hands are shaking, it means you’re being extra productive.
- Eat quick and dirty – Who needs healthy eating when you have instant noodles and energy drinks?
- Deny all emotions – Feeling is for other people.
- Ignore your body’s cries for help – Those chronic nosebleeds aren’t stress, it’s just… uh… weather changes, or the moon, or whatever.
By refusing to take care of yourself, you can ensure that burnout fully settles in and becomes your new personality. Besides, what even is self-care, anyway? A bubble bath? A scented candle? A 15-minute break that doesn’t involve planning your next task? That’s just wasted time where you could be actually productive. If you have time to “rest,” you have time to answer one more email, start the next item on your to-do list or fix someone else’s mistake. You’re a machine, remember? And machines don’t need comfort, they need efficiency and the occasional reboot after a system crash.
Read also: Guide: You’re Caring Too Much
Step 4: Keep Pushing for Productivity
Your brain is fried, your body is aching and your soul is on life support, but you must KEEP GOING. Productivity is the only thing that matters, alright? What will people think if you stop? Worse: what will you think if you stop? Well let me tell you: if you stop even for a second, you might realize why your parents called you a disappointment, and what’s left of your self-worth would simply collapse. So, push through that exhaustion:
- Stare blankly at your screen for hours, achieving nothing, but pretending you do.
- Make five to-do lists, never actually do anything on them, but pretend “it’s in the backlog.”
- Try to work but instead scroll through documents in an existential haze.
If you’re not productive, are you even worthy of existing? Spoiler: no.
The funny thing is that, deep down, you know you’re getting less done. You can feel your brain slowing down, your creativity flatlining, your ability to form coherent thoughts vanishing into the void, but do you stop? Nope. You keep grinding, convinced that working yourself to the bone somehow equals success. Newsflash: It doesn’t. You’re just slowly becoming a very efficient corpse, and not a very smart one.
Read also: Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style
Step 5: Have a Total Breakdown and Make It Look Cool
Eventually, burnout will catch up with you, and you’ll implode spectacularly, again preferably in public, making everybody around you very uncomfortable. At this point, burnout is inevitable, so at least make sure you have an aesthetic combustion. Here are some signs that it might be about to happen:
- You’re breaking down in the office bathroom and feel guilty for not clocking out when you do.
- You hyperventilate like it’s part of your job description
- You cry in your car like it’s your hobby.
Remember: once you do break down, society will still expect you to function. You’ll get a “hope you’re okay” text, maybe a pat on the back and then a “when will you be back to the office?” Because in this world, your burnout is your own problem, so stop faking it and get your sorry butt back at your desk.
Read also: It is What It Is
Step 6: Do Absolutely Nothing to Fix It
At this point, you have two options:
- Acknowledge your burnout, take a break, and set healthy boundaries.
- Ignore it and wait for your body to physically shut down.
Obviously, as a world-class genius, you’re going to choose option 2, because admitting weakness is not in your vocabulary. You’ll tell yourself “I’ll rest when I have time,” which is never, because you’ll keep overloading yourself forever as per step 2.
Let’s face it: you’re not going to change. Because changing means setting boundaries. It means letting people down. It means admitting that you are not, in fact, an indestructible machine. And we both know that you’d rather collapse than do that because you’re too chickenshit to tell people to go screw themselves.
Read also: Guide: You Have No Common Sense
Congratulations, You’re a Burnt-Out Disaster!
Look at you! Filled with anxiety, exhausted and running on fumes! Keep up the great work. Just a few more sleepless nights, some breakdowns and a couple of caffeine overdoses before you finally snap.
Or, hear me out, you could stop this madness, take a break and maybe go touch some grass or something. But that’s up to you.
You need therapy, mate. Now get back to work!
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