Love is patient, love is kind — and love is also a relentless marathon of passive-aggressive instant messages, shared passwords and of trying not to elbow dive someone because they chewed too loudly during dinner. Romantic relationships are tricky business but don’t worry, my impaired calamity, I’ve got the ultimate guide to navigating them like the absolute train wreck that you are.
Step 1: Lower Your Standards Immediately
Let’s be honest here, my pumpkin latte. Life isn’t a rom-com and you’re not Meg Ryan, Ryan Reynolds or any of the other Ryans of Hollywood. The sooner you come to terms with this, the better. True love isn’t all sunshine and rainbows or butterflies and fireworks or whatever nonsense. No, love is about finding someone whose annoying habits don’t make you want to jump out of a moving vehicle, such as a plane.
Instead of searching for “the one,” set your sights on “the one who doesn’t leave their toenail clippings on the coffee table.” The real secret to long-lasting love is finding someone you don’t despise too much and whose flaws you can tolerate without wanting to fake your own death and move to a remote island.
Stop holding out for perfection and start embracing the perfectly flawed instead. If they remember your birthday, don’t fart too much in their sleep and occasionally laugh at your jokes, congratulations: you’ve hit the jackpot! Relationships are less about “soulmates” and more about “people you don’t actively want to murder after five years.” Lower the bar, sweetheart. You’ll be much happier.
Read also: Guide: Your Wife (or Girlfriend) is Way Hotter Than You
Step 2: Forget Constructive Communication
Every relationship expert loves to ramble about “communication.” They act like sitting down for a mature conversation will solve all your problems. Pfft… Bull. That’s a cute theory, but in practice, no one has the time, energy or emotional bandwidth for that. Instead, embrace passive aggression, aka the cornerstone of any long-term romantic relationship.
For instance, if your partner still hasn’t taken the bins out for the third day in a row, don’t waste your breath nagging. Simply keep on piling trash until the bin explodes. If they ask what’s going on, flash a sweet smile and say, “Oh, I just thought you liked living in filth.”
Texting is another excellent tool for avoiding meaningful communication. Why discuss your feelings in person when you can send a cryptic “fine” and let them figure out what they’ve done wrong? And don’t underestimate the power of a well-timed, random silence treatment or dramatic sigh. Communication isn’t about words; it’s about sending a message.
Step 3: Master the Art of Selective Listening
Your partner has a lot to say (and so do you but nobody cares so get over it.) They will want to talk about their dreams, their childhood and maybe that annoying colleague who keeps microwaving fish in the office. Do you need to listen to all of this? Of course not! Your time is precious and half of what they’re saying is just nonsensical white noise anyway.
The key here is selective listening: nodding in the right places while mentally composing your grocery list. Make it a game! Try to zone out for as long as possible without getting caught. If they suddenly stop talking and stare at you waiting for an answer, just repeat the last three words they said back to them in a thoughtful tone.
Example: Them: “…and that’s why I think dolphins are overrated.” You: “Dolphins are overrated, totally.” Boom. Nailed it. They’ll never know you were daydreaming about pizza. Remember, you don’t have to care about every story they tell. Relationships are about compromise, which means pretending to care just enough to avoid a fight. Listening is overrated, but looking like you’re listening? That’s the real skill.
Read also: Guide: Small Talk, Because Silence is Scary
Step 4: Try to Win All the Arguments
Arguments are the driving force of any relationship. They’re inevitable, so you might as well approach them with the right mindset: win at all costs. Forget about “understanding each other” or “resolving issues.” That’s loser talk. Your goal here is to emerge victorious, even if it means showing them how much of a petty, spiteful little gremlin you are.
Here’s how to do it: First, always bring up ancient history. Did they forget your anniversary three years ago? Mention it. Did they pick the worst restaurant for your birthday in 2018? Throw it in their face. Time is meaningless in an argument and old grievances are fair game. Second, escalate the stakes. Are you arguing about something trivial, like who left the milk out? Perfect. Turn it into a full-blown philosophical debate about their lack of respect for boundaries and their questionable life choices. Milk isn’t just milk — it’s a metaphor for their entire personality.
What if you’re losing? Cry. No one can argue with tears, it’s the ultimate trump card. Who cares if you’re technically in the wrong? Relationships aren’t about fairness.
Step 5: Spice Things Up with Mild Annoyances
Romance isn’t all grand gestures and candlelit dinners. Sometimes, it’s about keeping the spark alive through good, old-fashioned pettiness. Why settle for dull predictability when you can sprinkle in some mild annoyances to keep them on their toes?
Start small. Hide the remote control in increasingly ridiculous places, like in the freezer or inside a shoe. Leave exactly one square of toilet paper on the roll. Rearrange their side of the wardrobe for “fun” and watch them spiral into quiet rage. The key is to make these annoyances small enough that they can’t technically call you out without sounding like a lunatic. “You left one spoon in the sink again” doesn’t seem like a big deal, but over time, it’ll slowly erode their sanity – and isn’t that what love is all about?
Read also: Guide: Your Girlfriend Asked if You’d Still Love Her if She Was a Worm and Demands Answers.
Step 6: Pretend to Enjoy Their Hobbies
As established earlier, relationships are all about compromise. And by compromise, I mean pretending to care about their weird, boring hobbies. Does your partner love fantasy football? Great! Nod along as they explain their strategy for the hundredth time, even though you couldn’t care less if they traded some bloke named Chad for a bloke named Brad. Maybe they’re into painting miniature figurines, collecting vinyl records or watching obscure documentaries about mushrooms. Whatever it is, put on your best fake smile and feign enthusiasm. Bonus points if you can sprinkle in some niche jargon to really sell it. “Oh wow, the shading on that goblin is so lifelike! It kinda looks like your mom.” They’ll be thrilled.
In return, they’ll pretend to care about your equally weird and boring hobbies. It’s a fair trade-off. They’ll sit through your scrapbooking phase without rolling their eyes too much, and you’ll sit through their two-hour rant about the best type of motor oil. That’s love, baby.
Step 7: Avoid Shared Responsibilities
Shared responsibilities are a cornerstone of any adult relationship. Except, instead of a cooperative partnership, it’s a high-stakes game of psychological warfare. Why do something yourself when you can strategically guilt your partner into doing it? You can for example start by establishing a subtle narrative of incompetence. “Oh, I’d clean the bathroom, but you just do it so much better than I ever could.” Boom — now they’re scrubbing tiles while you binge Netflix. This technique works for cooking, laundry, assembling IKEA furniture, fixing appliances or pretty much anything, really. Play the role of the helpless fool, and you’ll be living chore-free in no time.
If they catch on to your tactics, go for the sympathy card. “I’ve just been so stressed lately, I don’t think I can handle vacuuming right now.” This will buy you at least two guilt-free weeks of not touching the Dyson. Trust me, the more pathetic you seem – and you are, so you’re in luck – the more likely they are to pick up your slack.
For the advanced players, here’s the ultimate power move: doing a chore so badly they never ask you to do it again. Accidentally “shrink” their favorite jumper in the washing machine or turn dinner into a charred disaster and irremediably burnt pans. Congratulations: you’ve just earned a lifetime pass from those tasks.
Read also: Guide: Your Girlfriend Sent You Shopping
Step 8: Turn Petty Jealousy into a Competitive Sport
If you or they decide that jealousy is now a part of your relationship, why not weaponize it for entertainment? Start subtle: “Oh, your work friend Sarah sounds hilarious. Does she do stand-up or just awkward office banter?” Boom — seed planted, no yelling required.
Next, drop mysterious hints about your own life: “Oh yeah, Alex at work has been super helpful lately.” Who’s Alex? Are they only a work colleague? A friend? A flirt? They’ll stew over it for hours. And if you really want to spice things up, casually reference an ex: “It’s crazy how my ex always knew the best hiking spots!” Instant chaos, minimal effort.
Jealousy is ok if it’s subtle and mildly amusing, right? Keep them guessing, it keeps things spicy. You’re basically a relationship genius at this point.
Step 9: Make Date Night a Test of Endurance
Date night is a sacred tradition of pretending you’re still as exciting as when you first met, and you weren’t exactly Indiana Jones back then so it’s telling. But hey, why let it be fun and romantic when you can make it an endurance test for your partner’s patience and sanity? Start with indecisiveness. Spend two hours debating Italian vs sushi, only to end up at The Cheesecake Factory because you “weren’t really hungry anyway.” Once seated, criticize the lighting, the seating arrangement or the menu options. “They don’t have my favorite dish anymore? Why do we even come here?”
Then comes the photo shoot. No meal is complete without snapping 47 nearly identical pictures of your plate. Bonus points if you take forever to take those pics and then complain that the food is cold. By the end of the evening, they’ll question why they ever suggested date night in the first place — exactly as planned. Mastermind.
Read also: Guide: Your Partner’s Love Language is Complaining
Step 10: “Do Whatever You Want”
“Do whatever you want” is the most passive-aggressive phrase in any relationship arsenal, and if you’re not using it to its full potential, you’re doing love wrong. It’s the ultimate power move, a landmine disguised as permission.
When they suggest something you don’t like — say, a weekend away with their lame friends — smile sweetly and say, “Sure, do whatever you want!” The trick is to make it sound just ambiguous enough to strike fear into their heart. Should they do it? Should they not? Who knows? Not you, that’s for sure. As far as you’re concerned, “It’s fine. Do whatever you want.”
And if they actually do it? Well, you’ve just unlocked a lifetime of guilt ammunition. “Oh, no, it’s really fine! I mean, I was a little lonely that weekend and I thought we could go to The Cheesecake Factory, but I wanted you to have fun. Really.” No argument, no yelling, just a perfectly-placed dagger of emotional manipulation.
Step 11: Be Single Again
Well done, lovebirds! If you’ve managed to follow even half of this guide, you’re either in a relationship that thrives on absurdly toxic manipulation or you’re about to become the cautionary tale your friends tell over cocktails. Relationships are messy, beautiful disasters and maybe you saw a bit of yourself in here but don’t worry: by now, your partner has probably known that you’re a train wreck for a while. And hey, if they’ve stuck around this long, they might be just as crazy as you – isn’t that beautiful?
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