A Definitive Guide to Mansplaining

Congratulations, you mediocre pile of unwarranted confidence! You’ve decided to master the fine art of mansplaining, the time-honored tradition of telling people things they already know except louder, incorrectly and with a zest of condescension. This guide will help you hone your craft and ensure you’re the most insufferable person in any room, provided that’s not already case.

Step 0: The Art of Manning

Before you can mansplain, you must first man. Cultivate an unshakeable belief in your innate superiority, even when faced with overwhelming evidence to the contrary. It doesn’t matter if you’re wrong, the only important thing is that you’re louder about it. For added effect, practice puffing out your chest, leaning back in your chair and take as much space as possible – aka manspreading – as if your opinion is so important, it’s mitosing its way out of you.

Now, to truly master the art of manning, it’s essential to perfect the subtle art of the dismissive chuckle: a condescending little puff of air paired with a slight laugh that signals to others that their thoughts, feelings, academic training and lived experiences are cute but charmingly irrelevant compared to your vast, self-assumed wisdom. Throw in a slow, patronizing head shake for maximum effect. The key here is to project an effortless aura of knowing better, even when you very obviously don’t.

Not a man? No worries! Just channel the energy of one; it’s very basic, you should have no problem with that. Just remember: confidence without expertise is a state of mind, not a birthright.

Read also: Breaking: You’re An Asshole

Step 1: Find Your Target

The key to mansplaining is choosing the right audience. It will typically be someone who knows more than you but has the misfortune of not being as man as you. Women are the obvious choice, but don’t limit yourself! Any expert or professional is fair game—doctors, engineers, mechanics or anyone with actual qualifications will do. The best targets are those who are passionate and well-versed in their field, as their enthusiasm provides an irresistible stage for you to bulldoze through with half-baked insights and kindergarten-level knowledge.

For maximum impact, pick someone who’s already mid-explanation and interrupt them with a well-timed “Actually…” This not only disrupts their train of thought but also establishes your dominance immediately, forcing them to defend themselves instead of finishing their point. The more they try to remain composed, the more you can double down, shooting in phrases like “I think what you meant to say is…” or “I’ve read a lot about this, and…” to cement your presence as the authority in the room.

Nothing feels better than a captive audience, so seek out situations where people are unable to escape: work meetings, family gatherings or casual social events where politeness prevents them from walking away. If they roll their eyes or sigh deeply, you’ve already won; these are not only signs of irritation, they are signs of silent submission. And if they push back, just laugh it off with a condescending chuckle, tell them to “calm down” and insist you were just trying to help.

Step 2: Pick the Right Topic

Mansplaining thrives on ignorance masquerading as expertise and as such, no topic is off limit. Whether it’s quantum physics, the inner workings of a padlock or simply how to tie up your shoes, dive in with confidence. Nobody needs actual knowledge when they’ve got a loud voice and an inflated ego, so choose something you’ve overheard once at a pub, maybe you’ve skimmed through a Wikipedia stub about it or something you’re completely clueless about but feel like you could wing it.

Now if the topic is obviously not something you should chime in about, it’s even better. Keep in mind that in the context of mansplaining, when it comes to knowledge, less is more. So go ahead and – for example – confidently explain inequality to a black woman who has been living it forever while the only form of discrimination you’ve ever been subjected to is being fined for parking on a disabled spot despite really being in a hurry.

Never forget: the goal isn’t to share knowledge or have an interesting debate, it’s to assert dominance in the most obnoxious way possible. The louder and more confident you are, the less it matters that you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

Step 3: Never Ask Questions

Questions are for the weak, and you, my friend, are an unstoppable fountain of unsolicited wisdom. You don’t need to ask questions, they imply that you’re interested in someone else’s perspective or want to learn something. Rookie mistake, mate! Instead, make broad, sweeping statements. Phrases like “Actually,” “Technically,” or “I think what you mean is…” are your weapons of choice. Use them as you interrupt your interlocutor mid-sentence for a critical damage bonus. Why waste time listening when you could be educating? Just assume that you already get it. I mean, how complicated can it be, really?

If someone dares offering a different perspective, don’t panic. Simply nod condescendingly, roll your eyes, sigh, mutter a few “yeah, yeah, I know” and then BAM! – Hit them with a sneak “What you don’t understand is…” and proceed to rephrase their point back to them, except louder and with more confidence. Remember, the goal isn’t to learn; it’s to teach. Asking questions might suggest that you’re open to the idea that you don’t know everything and honestly that’s preposterous.

Step 4: Use Jargon Incorrectly

Throwing around big words you don’t understand adds an air of (unwarranted) authority. Misuse terms confidently and refuse to back down when corrected. Whether it’s misusing “intersectionality,” throwing around “gaslighting” like it’s a magic trick or confidently declaring that something is a “false dichotomy” when it’s clearly not will confuse your reluctant conversation partner into not understanding what’s going on, which gives you unlimited freedom to patronizingly educate them.

The trick here is to say it with unwavering certainty. Remember: you are the wall of knowledge against which they will crash. If someone challenges you, double down and accuse them of not keeping up with the conversation. After all, who’s the one explaining things here? You, that’s who. They just don’t understand. And it’s not about accuracy anyway; it’s about dominating the discussion with enough buzzwords to make everyone question their own intelligence, even if you haven’t got a clue yourself. Remember: it’s only wrong if you acknowledge it.

Step 5: Repeat Obvious Facts as Revelations

Silence is for amateurs, and you, my friend, are a certified expert in absolutely everything. No matter the subject, be it astrophysics, fine art or the best way to poach an egg, make sure you have a firm stance, preferably one you developed on the spot and will under no circumstance budge on. If you’re ever caught in unfamiliar territory, just fake it till you make it. Use vague phrases like “Well, if you really think about it…” or “I’m just looking at it from a broader macro-level perspective; you really need to take a step back,” to give the illusion of deep insight.

When in doubt, confidently state the most generic opinion possible. Nothing sounds smarter than stating the obvious with enough conviction and you will never be as right as when you drop aphoristic universal truths like, “At the end of the day, it’s all about balance.” Deliver that with a knowing nod and a thoughtful pause, as if you’ve just blessed the room with ancient wisdom. Everyone will be forced to agree so watch as they nod along and enjoy your victory.

Also, don’t forget that changing your opinion is a sign of weakness. If someone presents actual facts, either double down and drown them with your never-ending flood of misled knowledge, pretend the conversation was about a completely different topic or casually suggest they “look it up” themselves. Checkmate!

Step 6: Dismiss Expertise

Experts are overrated (except you, of course.) Who needs years of study and hands-on experience when you’ve got a rock-solid gut feeling and a vague memory of an elementary school class about that very same topic? Whether it’s a doctor, a scientist or someone who’s literally dedicated their whole life to the subject, always make sure to casually wave away their knowledge with a well-placed, “Yeah, but I read somewhere that…”, “You’re missing the forest for the tree” or the classic, “That’s just one perspective.”

The point is: never let someone’s credentials intimidate you. If they’re an astrophysicist, you invented planets. Argue with them about black holes using your GCSE-level science knowledge. If they’re a professional chef, you discovered onions. Explain them what al dente means with your microwave-level cooking skills. When they try to correct you, laugh in the most condescending way possible and say, “You’re close, but not quite. Actually…”

Remember, real intelligence is about questioning everything, so question every fact that doesn’t align with whatever you’re currently spouting. If someone starts bringing up data, research, or – God forbid – peer-reviewed studies (whatever that is), just chuckle and hit them with, “You can’t believe everything you read,” as if your opinion holds equal weight to their qualifications.

The key is to stay confident. After all, what do these so-called experts know that a quick Google search can’t tell you in five minutes?

Step 7: End with a Patronizing Compliment

After thoroughly deconstructing the conversation with your unmatched wisdom, it’s time to wrap things up with a condescending cherry on top. A well-placed, patronizing compliment is the perfect way to remind everyone that, despite their glaring lack of knowledge, you still value their frail attempts to contribute. Try something like, “That’s uuh… that’s an interesting perspective,” with just enough hesitation to make it clear that you think it’s completely stupid. You can also go with the classic “You’ve clearly put a lot of thought into this,” with the right tone of voice to subtly imply that they’ve wasted their time.

You will naturally come up with your own, but here are other examples that you can use to start with:

“You’re smarter than you look!”
“Hey, you almost had it, good on you!”
“I’m glad I could clear that up for you.”
“I didn’t expect you to know that much, I’m impressed!”

The key here is to leave them questioning whether they’ve been insulted or encouraged. Either way, you’ll walk away the undisputed champion of the conversation, and that’s the only thing that matters.

Bonus Step: Advanced Tips for Aspiring Masters of Mansplaining

Want to take your unsolicited expertise to the next level? Leverage cognitive biases to steamroll conversations, assert dominance and ensure everyone walks away questioning their own intelligence. Here’s how to weaponize psychology in your holy quest to mansplain:

Anchoring Bias – Invent a statistics that goes your way early on and watch everyone unknowingly measure their arguments against your made-up numbers.
Appeal to Authority: Stuff like “Studies show” or “My mate who’s a doctor said,” are great openers for backing up your claims.
Availability Heuristic – Use one recent anecdote as undeniable proof, because if it happened once lately, it must be universal.
Confirmation Bias – Only acknowledge information that supports your opinion and dismiss everything else as “misinformed” or “fake news.”
False Consensus Effect – Pretend everyone agrees with you because “it’s just common sense.”
Framing Effect – Phrase things in a way that makes anyone who disagrees with you look like a complete idiot.
Survivorship Bias – Only focus on successful examples that align with your argument while conveniently ignoring all the failures.

Master these psychological tricks and you’ll soon get everyone within ear-shot to question their own knowledge.

Final Step: Ignore the Backlash

Not everyone will appreciate your mansplaining efforts. Some might call you condescending, obnoxious or a walking advertisement for ball gags, but remember that their frustration is a sign of ignorance and is merely the proof that they didn’t deserve your brilliance in the first place. Now go forth, you windbag, and mansplain like the unrelenting fountain of unsolicited wisdom you were born to be. The world is your oyster!

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Guide: Mansplaining