Welcome, you anxious disaster! If you’re reading this, it means you’ve officially given up on trying to fix yourself and have accepted that your life will be an endless loop of worrying about things that barely matter. Good, it’s about time you faced the facts: you’re a walking catastrophe with a mind like a hamster wheel of negativity, and there’s no way out.
This guide right here is your ultimate survival kit for that pitiful state you call your existence. Why bother improving yourself when you can keep on with the anxiety and live like the jittery mess you’ve always been? I thought so.
1. “Just Relax”: The Phrase That Confirms You’re a Failure
Let’s start with the most obvious one: whenever someone tells you to “just relax,” it’s not advice; it’s a reminder that you are, without question, the worst person in the room. Relaxing is what normal people do, you know, the kind of folks who have their lives together. But not you. You are the person who hears “relax” and instantly feels like you’ve lost a competition you didn’t even know you were in. So go ahead, sit there and stew in the knowledge that even when people try to help, you can’t manage to do the simplest thing right.
2. Analyze Every Interaction Like It’s the End of the World
For most people, conversations are just exchanges of words. For you, however, they’re minefields. If someone says “Oh, nice seeing you” it’s definitely code for “What a sad day to have eyes” and every awkward laugh or pause is just you being your usual, socially repellent self. Now instead of realizing it’s absurd and letting it go like a normal person, make sure you obsess over it for hours. Replay it in your head, again and again, until it’s crystal clear that you’ve completely and utterly embarrassed yourself. That’s the spirit!
3. Diagnose Yourself with Terminal Illnesses Daily
Oh, you’ve got a headache? You’re dying. Stomach cramps? Def cancer. Every ache and twinge is a golden opportunity for you to remind yourself that you’re on borrowed time. And why seek actual medical advice when you can do it all on your own with the help of WebMD, that dear crippling anxiety of yours and your vivid imagination? Who needs doctors when you’ve got Google and an inability to distinguish minor discomfort from impending doom?
4. Treat Every Public Outing Like an Opportunity for Humiliation
For some, going outside is just part of life. For you, it’s a series of micro-crises waiting to happen. Did you trip over a curb? Well, congratulations, now the entire town knows you’re a clumsy buffoon. Did you accidentally stutter when ordering coffee? Nice work, you’ve just proven to the barista that you’re a massive idiot. Make sure to remember these moments forever, so every time you feel a flicker of confidence, you can squash it with the reminder that you’re always one misstep away from being a complete embarrassment.
5. Dedicate a Portion of Every Day to Unwarranted Panic
You’ve heard of self-care, right? Well, that’s not for you. For you, there’s only one thing that always fits into your schedule: panic. Make sure to set aside enough time to hyperventilate about things you can’t control. Can’t think of anything? That’s even better! Now you can panic about the fact that you aren’t panicking, which is an obvious sign that you’re forgetting something critical. The point isn’t to feel better, it’s to ensure that none of your days is ever actually peaceful.
6. Prepare for Every Outing Like You’re Surviving the Apocalypse
Are you heading out for groceries? Well, you better pack like you’re going on an Arctic expedition because something is definitely going to go wrong. Don’t forget the emergency kit, five granola bars and an exit strategy for when the panic sets in. Also, double-check your wallet before triple-checking it and maybe check it again before heading out to make sure you didn’t forget anything, even though you know you didn’t. You know, maybe your brain’s playing mind games with you? After all, leaving the house without a full arsenal of “just in case” items would be something a functional person does, and we both know that’s not you.
7. Let Social Media Ruin Your Life Even More
Most people use social media to stay connected. You, on the other hand, you use it as a way to spiral deeper into the pit of your own inadequacies. Every post is a reminder that you’re not doing enough, not living enough and definitely not happy enough. Oh, someone didn’t reply to your message within five minutes? Well, that’s proof they’ve officially decided to hate you. Spend your nights doomscrolling and feeling inadequate because why only experience your anxiety in real life when you can magnify it online? It’s not like you were going to have fun anyway.
8. Assume Compliments Are Jokes
“Great job on that project!” they say, but what they really mean is, “What? You managed to pull this off?” Living with anxiety means you’ve got a built-in lie detector that doesn’t work and automatically turns itself but on only for compliments. If someone says something nice, assume they’re either mocking you or pitying you. There’s no way anyone genuinely thinks you’re competent or attractive or smart or anything positive; it’s all a front and they’re just too polite to tell you how they really feel. By the way, great job on that project!
9. Master the Art of Self-Sabotage
By now you must be really good at being your own worst enemy, so every time an opportunity presents itself, talk yourself out of it. Every time you feel a glimmer of hope, crush it with the weight of your own insecurities. Think of every positive thought as a weed that needs to be pulled up before it ruins your perfectly cultivated garden of negativity. After all, if you don’t ruin things for yourself, someone else will do it so you might as well get it over with.
10. Constantly Remind Yourself That Everything Is Your Fault
The climate’s changing? You should have done more recycling. World conflicts? Maybe if you had been a better person, the universe wouldn’t be falling apart. Your neighbor’s dog won’t stop barking? Clearly if you weren’t so self-absorbed you’d have already soothed its troubled soul. It’s essential to believe that everything wrong in the world is somehow connected to your inability to function like a normal person. This is the pinnacle of anxiety: carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders despite knowing full well that you can barely carry the weight of your own failures. It’s not enough to be anxious; you’ve got to feel guilty about it too.
The Final Step: Accept That You’re a Lost Cause
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, you’ve confirmed that your life is, indeed, a never-ending parade of disaster. You’ve proven that you can overthink, self-sabotage and spiral with the best of them. Forget trying to find peace or happiness – those are for people who have their lives together, not you.
So here’s to you, you beautiful wreckage of a person. May your days be filled with pointless anxiety, your nights with sleepless dread and may you commit your entire existence to making every small inconvenience a catastrophic life event. It’s not like you were going to have a funny life anyway so why not at least be consistent in your misery? Cheers and good luck, you will need it!
