Well, well, well, look who’s still trying to figure out how to live their life. Pathetic, really. But fear naught, because society’s got your back with tons of expert advice, tips and golden nuggets to transform your tragically flawed, miserable little existence into a god-tier lifestyle. That is, if only you’d follow the countless rules required to achieve it. I mean, who needs a personality and free time when you can have a spreadsheet for living instead? Let’s get started, my dearlings!
Step 1: Begin Your Day at 4:00 AM Otherwise You’re Lazy
Rise and shine, you lazy sack of broken dreams. First, if you’re waking up any later than the birds, you might as well stick to your usual mediocrity. Successful people are up before they’ve even slept, apparently.. So set that alarm for 4:00 a.m. and if you feel like your life is getting less and less worth living, congratulations, you’re doing it right. Walking on the path to greatness means feeling dead inside before dawn.
Now, it’s not enough to just wake up, no. You’ve got to “center yourself.” Meditation is the gold standard here, even if your brain is still digesting last night’s dinner and you have the mindfulness of a racoon on meth. Just sit in a lotus position – or as close to it as you can for my unbendy friends over there – close your eyes, forget your knee pain, focus on your breathing and pretend you’re not annoyed. Remember: successful people breathe differently.
Read also: An Ode to Coffee
Step 2: Chug a Green Smoothie That Tastes Like Garden Clippings
Once you’ve realigned your chakras, or whatever, it’s time to chug some sludge! A nutrient-dense, healing green smoothie made with ingredients you’ll find at exactly zero local stores. Kale? Yes. Spinach? Yes. Spirulina? Double yes, now we’re talking! It’s gross but it’s less gross than looking at you right now so close your eyes, pinch your nose and down it with purpose. If it looks and tastes like the water you’d pull out of a clogged sink, you’re on the right track.
Now before you actually drink this liquid soil, you have to document it. Instagram, baby! What’s the point of reaching Nirvana if you’re not shoving it in everyone’s face? Take your best selfie with this monstrosity, or better yet, make a reel of you chugging this gunk of a youth elixir down, and very importantly: do not throw up. That’s not Instagrammable.
Read also: Guide: The Myths of Healthy Eating
Step 3: Exercise Like You’re Preparing for the Hunger Games
Now that you’ve pretended to enjoy a smoothie, it’s time to punish yourself with a workout. It has to be high-intensity, the kind of stuff that will make you regret every single one of your life choices in only three minutes. If you’re not on the verge of blacking out and sweating like you just ran a marathon on a treadmill in a sauna, you’re not doing it right. Remember: your self-worth relies entirely on a fitness regimen designed to make you hate your pathetic life even more.
And don’t even think about cutting it short, you sorry excuse of a person! You have to push through and sweat out the remnants of your dignity along with yesterday’s regrets before you can create today’s regrets. You gotta earn it! Forget any thoughts of a nice, leisurely jog or a casual stroll. That’s good for the plebs, maybe, but not for you. For you, we’re talking beast mode, balls to the wall, until your lungs are begging for mercy, because nothing says “success” like torturing yourself on the off chance it’ll make you look halfway decent in your next selfie.
Read also: Man Finishes Bodybuilding: ‘I Lifted All the Weights’
Step 4: Journal Your Intentions, Gratitudes, Anxieties and the Meaning of Life
After you’ve moved every muscle you didn’t even know you had, it’s time to journal. This isn’t just jotting down thoughts, mind you, no, it’s “setting intentions” and “manifesting goals” and “expressing gratitude.” Feel the joy of showing appreciation for your organic granola, overpriced stationary bike and the “journey.” Don’t forget to bullet journal it all in a hyper-organized, colorful format that somehow takes two hours to complete and rivals a work presentation.
And when you’ve finished spilling your soul in a way that would make a therapist weep with confusion, top it off by pondering the meaning of life as if you’re Aristotle with a caffeine addiction. Remember, the existential crisis hits hardest when you realize your deepest insight so far is that you’re really grateful for oat milk.
Step 5: Work, But Make It Look Like You’re Hustling at All Times
It’s finally time to do some work (you know, that thing that pays the bills). But here’s the kicker: you have to make sure everyone knows you’re grinding! This means maintaining a LinkedIn presence, side-hustling and generally exhausting yourself while pretending you love every waking minute of it. If you aren’t doing three jobs to finance your 19 bucks morning smoothie and 35 bucks motivational planner, are you even living?
And don’t forget to sprinkle in some buzzwords like “synergy,” “scaling” and “entrepreneurial spirit” while posting selfies of you looking totally candid with your laptop in a café. Bonus points if you caption it with “Rise and grind!” because you’re not successful if you don’t publicly pretend you’re thriving while internally questioning all your life choices.
Read also: Interview: Man Explains How to Look Busy at Work Without Doing Anything
Step 6: Meal Prep Until You Feel Like a Robot
If you’re not prepping all of your meals in one go, you’re an amateur. Sundays are no longer a day of rest; they’re now your official 5-hour cook-a-thon to prepare 21 perfect, protein-packed meals in identical Tupperware. Every portion must be measured, weighed and devoid of joy because heaven forbid you eat an unsanctioned carb or a “fun” snack.
Label everything like you’re cataloguing evidence for a high-profile crime scene and stack those containers in your fridge with military precision. As you admire your perfectly portioned culinary monotony, enjoy the illusion of control because nothing screams peak performance like eating the same bland chicken and quinoa combo five days in a row while convincing yourself it’s “fuel” and not just a joyless slog on a fork.
Read also: Breaking: Nation in Crisis as Carb Consumption Linked to Rampant Happiness
Step 7: Avoid Blue Light Because it’s Definitely Worse Than Actual Poison
Evening rolls around, and it’s time to avoid the greatest evil of modern times: blue light. The simple answer is obviously to throw your phone, computer and TV out the window, but if that’s not an option, you’ll need blue-light-blocking glasses, screen filters and an intense skincare regimen to fight off those sinister rays. I mean, what’s a healthy lifestyle if you’re not stressed out about the light waves around you?
Wrap yourself in the warm glow of smugness as you proudly wear your amber-tinted glasses and scroll your phone just a little longer because now you’re protected. Reassure yourself that those neon-orange lenses make you look more like a biohacker, whatever that is, and less like a confused 90s raver. Remember: peak wellness can only be achieved by fearing your screens more than actual pollutants while ignoring the fact that the stress of avoiding blue light is probably aging you faster anyway.
Read also: Guide: Living with Anxiety
Step 8: Read Exactly 52 Books a Year, Minimum
If you want to stay sharp, you’ve got to read, read and read some more. Not just any reading, mind you. Only non-fiction self-help books that explain how to be even better. Each page should feel like a tedious reminder that you’re not working hard enough, relaxing correctly or drinking enough lion’s mane-infused tea.
Also, if you’re not posting your book stack on social media with captions like “#GrowthMindset” or “Leveling Up 📚,” did you even read? Don’t waste time enjoying the books; power through them like a machine, highlighting aggressively and nodding like you’re absorbing ancient wisdom. You must feel you superiority complex by pretending you’ve mastered life just because you skimmed another book on how to stop wasting your time.
Read also: Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style
Step 9: End the Day with a Bedtime Routine Worthy of a Small Child
Finally, it’s time for the sacred bedtime routine. This includes lavender diffusers, sound baths and a complex series of skincare products that, altogether, make you look like a glazed donut. Ideally, you’ll be asleep by 8:30 p.m., ensuring you’ll be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for another 4:00 a.m. alarm. Don’t forget to lie awake in bed stressing about whether you’ll get a full 7 hours and convincing yourself you have insomnia when you don’t immediately drift off.
And of course, no bedtime ritual is complete without a guided meditation narrated by someone with an accent so soothing it makes you question your own existence. While you’re lying there like a marinated leprechaun, remind yourself that if you don’t achieve peak sleep efficiency, tomorrow is ruined. By this time the crushing pressure of optimizing your rest is your favorite lullaby and your brain replays that embarrassing thing you said in 2014.
Read also: Children: A Guide to Humanity’s Most Infuriating Achievement
Congratulations! You’ve Completed All 10,000 Steps to Happiness
If you can keep up this punishing schedule indefinitely, the experts say you’ll probably be happy. Just don’t be surprised if you’re too exhausted to notice. Sure, you’ve got the emotional range of a damp sock and the spontaneous joy of a spreadsheet, but hey, you’re thriving and best of all, you can shove it into everyone’s face! Remember, true happiness isn’t about actually feeling good, it’s about looking like you’ve got it all together while secretly wondering when the burnout will finally take you out for good. But at least you’ll have a life that’s optimized. That’s what life’s all about, right?
Sign up for the least valuable thing on the Internet - our newsletter! Bragging rights and mild regret included.
