You know Dave. We all know a Dave. He’s not the devil incarnate. He’s not even that bad, really, but somehow every time he opens his mouth, you’re filled with the sudden and irresistible urge to slap him with a wet fish. Not really out of anger, it’s just that Dave is… Dave.
In the office, Dave is the kind of guy who always has something to say during meetings that should have ended 20 minutes ago. When everyone’s waiting for the last slide to wrap up, Dave decides it’s time to ask a question. Is it relevant? Maybe. Is it critical? Probably not. Should it have been an email? Definitely. Is it gonna take another 15 minutes? You bet your sweet butt cheeks it is.
Dave is the same bloke who makes the same bad jokes over and over again and laughs way too loud at anything slightly amusing. Someone says “Monday, am I right?” and there’s Dave, bent over and slapping his legs, howling like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever heard. Meanwhile, you’re sitting there, staring into the abyss, wondering if you’ve already died and this is your purgatory.
If you live in the same neighborhood, Dave is the guy who seemingly always catches you right as you’re pulling into your driveway after a long day at work. You just want to slide into your house, close the curtains and forget the world exists, but no. Here comes Dave, jogging over like you’re reunited twins: “Hey there, champ! (yes, Dave calls you ‘champ’, ‘bud’ or even ‘sport’) Just wanted to remind you about the neighborhood barbecue this weekend!” he says with that huge smile plastered on his face.
You know about the barbecue. As a matter of fact, you’ve known about it for weeks and can’t even pretend you forgot about it because Dave reminds you of it every time you see him. You’ve even considered faking your own death to get out of going, but Dave’s relentless. He’ll catch you checking your mail, walking your dog, he would even catch you if you were trying to flee the country and somehow the conversation will circle back to burgers on Saturday. And forget about pretending you recently turned vegan because Dave is bringing veggie patty and his secret salad that “you have to try”!
It’s not that you have something against those get-togethers, it’s just that if you ever attend one and end up on Dave’s radar, you’re basically in for life. He will corner you with his theories about why the recycling bins should be color-coded by shade instead of type, or why the grass on your lawn is growing at a suboptimal rate. He’s not aggressive or rude, no, that would at least give you a reason to shut him down. He’s just curious and has lots to share.
If at least Dave would stick to the physical realms you could get some rest, but it doesn’t stop there. Ooh no. If you had the misfortune of giving him your email, you’re now receiving regular “funny” pictures, memes, “djifs” as he calls them and other videos from 2008. Expect at least three “lol”, “check this out” or “rofl” subject lines every week.
I know what you’re thinking, just block this guy already! Well you would block him but there’s a part of you (a tiny one) that fears what might happen if Dave realizes he’s been cut off. Because here’s the thing: Dave would definitely bring it up in person, in front of people. He would put on that wounded, confused puppy face, like you’ve just told him his childhood pet didn’t really go to the happy farm upstate. He will go all “Hey there bud, I noticed you haven’t been responding to my emails… is everything alright?” Everyone would wait for the bad news but you would mumble something about spam filters and backpedal so hard you’d pull a hamstring.
Of course, Dave’s redeeming quality – if you can call it that – is that he’s relentlessly, almost aggressively, optimistic. If you’re having a bad day, Dave’s there with a smile that doesn’t falter and some impossibly annoying phrase like “Cheer up, sport, it’s not so bad! I’ve brewed some chamomile, let me fix you a cup.” It doesn’t matter if your car’s just been crushed by a rogue satellite and you’ve spilled coffee on your last pair of clean trousers, Dave thinks you should look on the bright side, and yes: sometimes the bright is chamomile. If you tell him you don’t want any he will pop up with his homemade kombucha recipe and there’s only so much a person can take.
So yes my friends, we all know a Dave, the human embodiment of a car alarm going off at 3 a.m.: not harmful, just loud, persistent, and irritating as hell. Deep down, however, under the layers of irritation, you know Dave means well. You just wish he would mean well somewhere else. Preferably in a different time zone.
