For those who’ve never heard of them, hormones are those microscopic tyrants secretly running the show while we all naively believe we’ve got free will. If you’ve ever wondered why you ate an entire pizza at 2 AM or burst into tears during an insurance commercial, look no further than those sneaky little chemical mongrels.
Let’s skip childhood, that time in our life is for something else, and go right to our teenage years. Also know as puberty, it is that delightful time of your blissful existence when your body is hijacked by a Molotov cocktail of those exact same hormones. I’m sure you remember it, that was arguably their first significant accomplishment: transforming you into a sweaty, pimpled, awkward mess. Suddenly, you’re sprouting hair in places you didn’t even know existed and your voice sounds like you’re blowing into an harmonica whenever you try holding a conversation. And if that wasn’t enough, testosterone and estrogen are busy playing a game of “Who Can Make You More Embarrassing”.
And of course you didn’t forget the mood swings. One minute you’re convinced you’re going to be the next global pop sensation and the next you’re screaming at a family member for breathing too loudly. Blame it on hormones! It’s not that you’re an emotional tornado; it’s just that your endocrine system decided to throw a rave party.
At this point, if you happen have two X chromosomes, it’s time to get acquainted with the menstrual cycle: a monthly event where hormones really get to show off their power. Picture this: your uterus is prepping like it’s hosting the Olympics only to have your body say “lol jk false alarm!” So instead of gold medals, you get cramps that feel like a small demon is doing gymnastics in your abdomen. Estrogen and progesterone take turns playing “Good Cop, Bad Cop” by throwing your emotions into a blender. One second you’re crying because your coffee’s too cold, the next you’re ready to bite someone’s head off for using the wrong tone. It’s like the world’s most exhausting reality show except you didn’t sign up for it and there’s no prize. Hormones: 1, You: 0.
But all good things coming to an end, years pass, things calm down, and now you think you’re finally free from all this crap. Well think again, my little cabbage. Enter adulthood: a time when hormones evolve from awkward pranksters to sadistic life coaches. Sure, you’ve got a job now and a vague understanding of taxes, but your cortisol levels are off the charts and your body has decided to turn “burnout” into a lifestyle.
You want to wake up energized and full of optimism? Haha, nice one, old fart! Your hormones have already arranged for you to feel like a walking corpse until approximately 11 AM. And let’s not forget the stress hormones, which are always on standby, ready to pounce the moment you hear someone use the phrase “we need to talk”. Oh, and don’t even think about trying to lose weight! Leptin and ghrelin have teamed up like a couple of sadistic gym coaches whispering “You’re still hungry. You deserve another slice of cake. Salad? That’s for rabbits”.
Now you’re an adult though, so you start having weird adult ideas, like having children. You decided to procreate? Cue the hormones because they’ve been waiting for this! From the moment you decide to engage in the delicate dance of baby-making, your body turns into a hormone-fueled rollercoaster. Estrogen and progesterone take the lead, making sure to transform a calm, rational person into a weepy, snack-obsessed legend who can go from cuddles to murder threats in 0.5 seconds.
But that’s not all! Let’s give a standing ovation to oxytocin, the real MVP, for tricking people into feeling unconditional love for tiny humans that can’t even wipe their own noses. It’s a good thing, though, because without that oxytocin trickery, you’d probably return the baby for a refund after the 10th sleepless night or when they have that one explosive diarrhea that no diaper can contain.
At this point you’re starting to get pretty old, you smell weird and people call you “Gramps”, so you’d think your hormones would finally cut you some slack. Well you can forget it. Instead, you get menopause or andropause, the hormonal equivalent of your body’s farewell tour. Hot flashes, night sweats, mood swings – it’s like puberty decided to make a guest appearance but with less acne and more random crying in grocery store aisles. At the same time, testosterone takes an extended vacation and suddenly you’re nostalgic for the days when you used to have energy. Bones become fragile, memory plays hide-and-seek and the only hormone still working overtime is cortisol, ensuring you’re stressed about everything from the weather to what day of the week it is.
In the end, none of us are in control and it only stops when you’re dead (although nobody can really confirm that so don’t quote me on this one). We’re basically meat puppets being jerked around by cortisol, adrenaline, serotonin and other melatonin for the lucky ones who can actually sleep at night.
Damn hormones.
