In a landmark decision that could reshape the fabric of digital culture (as if it hadn’t already been thoroughly mutilated), the illustrious Consortium for Internet Trends (CIT) has announced an open call for proposals for the next big viral sensation. The committee, made up entirely of people whose qualifications are somehow inversely related to their social media following, is asking the public to come up with ideas that range from ‘mildly deranged’ to ‘full-on societal collapse.’
CIT Chairwoman, Kesley “Swaksley” McIntyre, broke the news during a live-streamed event held in a virtual reality conference room filled with pixelated cats and floating thumbs-up emojis. “We’re bored. Frankly, the internet is bored,” McIntyre said while sipping from a Starbucks cup with her own face on it. “It’s time to innovate, and who better to create the next viral trend than the very people who made ‘Planking’ a thing?”
The proposal submission guidelines are shockingly vague, with CIT encouraging ideas that fall under one or more of the following categories:
- Dangerously Pointless: “We want something that people will look back on in 5 years and wonder, ‘Why did we ever do that and why did we make t-shirts about it?’” explained McIntyre.
Example: The “Blindfolded Lawn Mower Challenge” – because the best trends always start with hospital visits. - Desperately Meaningless: “We want a trend that speaks to how hollow our digital existence has become,” the chairwoman noted. “Bonus points if it involves pointless repetition.”
Example: “The Infinite Clap Challenge,” where participants clap in a continuous, looping rhythm for as long as they can while staring blankly into the camera. There’s no music, no talking – just endless clapping. It’s not meditation, it’s just empty noise. - Mildly Offensive but Somehow Viral: “Think back to the golden days of the ‘Harlem Shake,’ where cultural appropriation met good vibes. We’re looking for that same brand of tasteless, but with a 2024 twist!”
Example: “The Crying in Public Challenge,” where participants film themselves having fake emotional breakdowns in inappropriate places, like funerals or weddings, while influencers claim it’s “raising awareness” for something vague. - Confusing as Hell: “Nothing says ‘modern internet’ like a challenge that makes zero sense to anyone over 30,” McIntyre added, eyes glinting with Gen-Z nihilism.
Example: “The Reverse Chair Sit”—you sit down on a chair, backwards, and shout until someone asks you what you are doing, at which point you just say “Nothing, what are you doing?”” There’s no winner, just confusion.
While many welcomed the opportunity to participate in creating the next cyber plague, critics were quick to voice their concerns. “There are still people recovering from the Mannequin Challenge PTSD,” said Dr. Elizabeth Kendrick, a renowned digital culture analyst. “And now they want us to generate more nonsense? What’s next? The ‘Set Your Hair on Fire While Reciting Shakespeare Challenge’? Wait, scratch that, let’s not give them any ideas!”
The CIT has already received a flood of proposals. Among the most promising entries are the “Standing Still Until You Get Hit by a Drone Challenge”, and the “Ghost Pepper Eye Drops Trick” – the latter of which has been flagged by most major health organizations but remains popular with YouTubers desperate for views.
To ensure maximum stupidity, CIT has also enlisted the help of TikTok’s top influencers, whose combined IQ hovers somewhere around the national speed limit. “This is gonna be lit,” said @Chloe_Likes_Churros, famous for her extreme lip-syncs and complete lack of depth. “I’m thinking of submitting a challenge where people lie on escalators until they get dragged to the top, and the last one to scream wins!”
Submissions will be accepted until the internet implodes from its own stupidity, which is expected sometime early next year. The winners of the most popular trends will be awarded a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to co-host a 12-hour livestream of a “Reaction to Reaction to Reaction Videos” marathon where they will react to people who are reacting to other people’s reactions.
In related news, medical professionals all around the world have collectively sighed in defeat as they brace for another wave of patients suffering from self-induced Internet Challenge injuries. Meanwhile, insurance companies are already working on new policy clauses to exclude coverage for “Internet-motivated acts of stupidity.”
Image by Chris Rand – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=34822350
