Children… Those pint-sized sociopaths with sticky hands, the unearned confidence of a mediocre white man and a moral compass spinning wildly into the abyss. Once heralded as the “future,” they’ve revealed themselves as nature’s cruelest joke, sent here to dismantle your peace, wallet and will to live – all while being unable to wipe their own butt. Let’s be clear: the world doesn’t need more of them. Yet, here we are, drowning in a sea of puke, crayon-streaked walls and endless demands.
Babies: Useless Meatloafs of Chaos
Babies are a scam. You know it, I know it but no one’s allowed to say it. They come into the world unable to hold their heads up and yet still fully capable of ruining your life. Every Instagram post about “baby joy” is a bold-faced lie. The truth? They’re tiny dictators who scream at you for not warming their bottle to exactly the right temperature, puke on your only clean shirt and have the audacity to smile about it afterward.
And the crying, oh, the crying. Nonstop, mindless wailing over nothing. Not hungry? Crying. Not tired? Crying. Tired? Believe it or not: crying. It doesn’t matter why, they’ll just cry, and you’ll beg. You’ll bargain and Google solutions at 3 a.m., only to realize there is no cure because babies are born broken and you are the idiot who thought this was a good idea.
Toddlers: Pure, Self-Operated Anarchy on Legs
You thought babies were tough? Think again. Once they’re mobile, it’s over. Toddlers are worse than chaos-incarnate babies: they’re hell-bent on destroying everything you hold dear. Your phone? Buried “there” except it’s not there. Your favorite book? Colored on with markers that they weren’t supposed to have. The heirloom of your lineage? Somehow taken out of its box and flushed out in the toilet. Your sanity? Gone the moment they started screaming because you cut their sandwich the wrong way, even though they asked for it that way.
They don’t listen, they don’t care and – worst of all – they don’t stop. You’ll spend hours cleaning only to turn around and find them finger-painting the dog with ketchup. They’re agents of destruction with no sense of accountability. Every day with a toddler is like being trapped in a never-ending episode of a survival show, except there’s no prize, and you’re losing.
Read also: Dear Parents of Screaming Children
School-Age Kids: Now They Want Your Soul
You think school will save you? Cute. “Once they’re in class, I’ll get a break!” I hear you say, naively. Sorry but no. School-age kids bring a new level of hell. Suddenly, you’re not just a parent; you’re a personal chauffeur, snack provider, homework assistant and generally a butler to the most incapable walking catastrophe.
They’ll hit you with endless, stupid questions, most of which will make you ask yourself how your DNA created something this dense. “Why can’t I lick the TV? Why can’t we have a pet tiger? Why do I have to wear pants to school?” Try explaining anything to a seven-year-old who thinks they’re a genius because they found out eating crayons will change the color of their teeth. It’s a nightmare you can’t wake up from.
And when school’s done there’s the homework. And what homework! You’ll sit there, trying to explain basic math to someone who would rather chew on the pencil than use it. And when you fail, they’ll tell you with supreme confidence that their teacher does it “better.” Oh and no matter how much you help them, you will never use the teacher’s method so even if your result is right, it’s wrong.
Teenagers: Full-Grown Parasites with Bad Attitudes
If you thought toddlers were bad, teenagers are the ultimate punishment for thinking you could handle parenting. These hormonal nightmares are freeloaders with superiority complexes. They’ll eat you out of house and home, complain about your cooking and leave their dirty socks in places that defy logic.
Teenagers hate everything: your cooking, your rules, your face and occasionally their life but only because you’re “ruining it.” This, however, doesn’t stop them from demanding money for clothes they’ll never wear and gadgets they’ll lose within a week. They’ve mastered the art of eye-rolling and sighing, and they turn even the smallest into an appeal to the International Court of Justice for modern slavery.
They’ll challenge you at every turn, armed with relentless stupidity, bad opinions they found on the Internet and the emotional stability of a racoon on meth. Every interaction becomes a battle of wills, and spoiler alert: you will lose. Even if you win, you’ll still lose because now they’re brooding and the best way they found to let you know about it is slamming every door they can get their hands on.
The Million Dollar Question
The real question isn’t why children are so awful – it’s why we keep making them. Every rational part of you knows it’s a terrible idea, but society and biology conspire against you. “Children are a blessing,” they say. No, they’re not. A blessing doesn’t scream at you because they’re tired but refuse to go to sleep. A blessing doesn’t scream at because you gave them chicken nuggets when they wanted fish fingers. A blessing doesn’t turn your car into a biohazard. A blessing doesn’t exist solely to bankrupt you emotionally, financially and spiritually. Do you see the pattern, here?
Despite all of this, however, you will occasionally get a fleeting moment of tenderness: a sloppy kiss, a “love you” or a ridiculous drawing of you with an oversized heads and hands that look like the latest cauliflower harvest from Chernobyl. Basically just enough to keep you from abandoning them at the nearest fire station, but don’t be fooled: it’s a con. The moment you let your guard down, they’ll be back – protesting their greens while happily chewing on gum they scraped off their shoe, and, naturally, refusing to wear a coat in winter because apparently defiance is their calling.
To the Unsung Heroes – aka Not You
Let’s be real: children are humanity’s loudest, stickiest and most expensive miscalculation. They’re clueless and somehow manage to destroy everything while contributing nothing, yet the world would fall apart without them. Why? Because someone’s gotta keep the species running, but it sure as hell doesn’t have to be you or me! So let’s raise our next drink to the brave souls willing to sacrifice their sleep, sanity and life savings to bring these little tornadoes into adulthood where they will hopefully be a peaceful, mature and functioning member of society. We need these soon-to-be burnt-out heroes to produce future doctors, plumbers and baristas for oat-milk lattes, so the rest of us can just chill and enjoy our child-free life.
Thinking of joining their ranks? Don’t. Seriously. Get a dog instead. Or a houseplant. Or a Playstation. Or literally anything else. Let other people do the heavy lifting while you enjoy your quiet, tantrum-free, child-free life. You can be the cool aunt or uncle, stopping by with candy and leaving before the crying starts. That’s the sweet spot, mate. You’ll thank me later.
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