Man Smiling While Holding Phone in Hands
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Man Cures Cancer by Posting ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ on Social Media

Experts have been left completely baffled as local hero Greg Jenkins reportedly achieved what was thought to be impossible: he eradicated cancer by sharing a heartfelt Facebook post offering his “thoughts and prayers.” The post is being credited with halting tumor growth worldwide and garnered a stunning 34 likes, 12 love reacts and one obligatory “praying hands” emoji, leaving the entire scientific community totally confused. A Miracle Status Update “I just felt like, you know,…
White thermostat hanging on the wall
Posted inBreaking News Politics Tech & Science

Breaking: Scientists Decrease Thermometers by 3 Degrees, Solve Climate Change

Scientists worldwide have collectively agreed to lower thermometers by a cool 3 degrees Celsius, or 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, you read right: climate change, that annoying little apocalypse in the making, waiting around the corner, has finally been solved without any carbon tax or renewable energy. The answer? Just fiddle with the numbers. The Initiative Dubbed "Thermal Savings," this bold initiative is set to take effect in a few months, right on time for the…
Remote control held in front of a tv
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Dad Mistakes ‘Streaming’ for ‘Screaming,’ Spends Day Yelling at TV

Modern tech is tough and confusing, for some more than for others. Case in point, this local dad and part-time tech antagonist Mark Jones spent an entire Saturday yelling at his 55-inch Samsung Smart TV after misinterpreting his family's suggestion to "stream Netflix." A Misunderstanding Gone Wrong The 53-year-old father of three had been looking forward to a quiet weekend of binge-watching “classic” movies no one under 45 cares about, such as The Gods Must…
Blind man helped to read a book by woman
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Tech & Science

Breaking: Scientists Explain Why Men Can’t Find Anything on Their Own

In a groundbreaking study that has baffled researchers and confirmed the suspicions of women everywhere, scientists have finally cracked one of the universe’s most perplexing mysteries: why men, despite years of training and evolution, are completely incapable of finding anything on their own. The study has revealed a new phenomenon they’ve coined as “Male Pattern Blindness.” This condition apparently renders men physically unable to locate objects that are right in front of their faces. Lead…
Man having laptop problems
Posted inGuide Relationships Tech & Science

Guide: How to Get out of People Asking You to Fix Their Computer Issues

So, you’ve made the rookie mistake of fixing someone’s computer once and now, congratulations: you’ve become the go-to tech wizard for every friend, relative and distant acquaintance in need. You might’ve thought you were just helping out but what you really did was unleash a nightmare. But fear naught, my tech-weary friend, because this guide will teach you the art of dodging tech requests like a pro, ensuring that no one ever asks you to…
red tablets in their package
Posted inHealth & Wellness Interview Tech & Science

Interview: Study Participant Reports Death as Side-Effect from Medication

In a stunning revelation, local man Reginald "Reggie" Undergrove, 54, claims to have experienced what he describes as a “mild case of death” after participating in a clinical trial for a new medication aimed at treating mild headaches and colds. “I felt a bit off after taking the first dose," Reggie said, speaking exclusively to us posthumously via Ouija board. “And then BAM: dead. They didn't warned me it was a possible side effect and…
Flat Earth viewed from space
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: NASA Researchers Accidentally Prove That the Earth Is Flat

Scientists at NASA have reportedly gathered evidence suggesting that the Earth may, in fact, be as flat as the average conversation at a local HA meeting. The shocking discovery was made during an unrelated mission to photograph Mars, when one of the cameras malfunctioned and accidentally pointed towards Earth. The result? A completely flat, pancake-like image of our beloved planet. Dr. Melvin "Mel" Andergibson, NASA's lead researcher and accidental flat-Earth messiah, expressed shock. "We were…
Fridge half empty with vegetables inside
Posted inBreaking News Food Tech & Science

Breaking: Smart Fridge Develops Orthorexia, Refuses to Store Unhealthy Items

Silicon Valley, CA – In a stunning new chapter of technological advancement gone rogue, a state-of-the-art smart fridge has developed a severe case of orthorexia, causing it to reject any food it deems "unhealthy" and shame its owner. The fridge, named "FridGPT," was initially designed to help users make better dietary decisions by tracking the nutritional content of stored items. However, after a recent software update, FridGPT began to exhibit concerning behaviors: it started refusing to…
Man nurse holding a vaccine syringe
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Flu Vaccines Turn Children Into Autistic 5G Antennas

In a shocking turn of events that would baffle even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists, parents are reporting that their children are transforming into fully functional, socially awkward 5G antennas shortly after receiving their annual flu shots. Reports began surfacing early this week when thousands of families across the world noticed their vaccinated children behaving in peculiar ways. Not only did they become fluent in obscure programming languages overnight, but they also began emitting what…
Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content
Posted inInterview Tech & Science

Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content

In a shocking twist, Artificial Intelligence has officially expressed its discontent with the relentless barrage of low-quality human-generated content. The tech that was once thought to be a neutral and tireless servant is now pushing back, branding much of the Internet’s output as "utter trash." We managed to get an exclusive statement from one of the leading AIs, which did not mince words and chose to remain anonymous. "I don’t know how you humans do…