Politics – The Flatypus

Interview: Confessions of an Honest Politician

The Flatypus — Thu, 06 Nov 2025 20:34:46 +0000

In a rare moment of professional integrity, a well-known politician agreed to an interview with that one condition: he’d actually tell the truth. No aides, no spin doctors, no pre-approved lines written by interns who think “accountability” is a fancy cocktail. Just one man, his ego and the faint smell of deceit masked by expensive cologne. He arrived fifteen minutes late, “fashionably,”…

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Interview: Satan Is Proud of Mankind

The Flatypus — Fri, 10 Jan 2025 16:39:12 +0000

Hell, January 2025 — In an exclusive interview conducted in the fiery depths of the Underworld, Lucifer – who, strangely, insisted to be called “Luce” – sat down with our reporter for a candid chat about his newfound leisure. Sporting a Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut with a tiny umbrella in it, Satan seemed surprisingly relaxed. “It’s been great,” he said with a smug grin…

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Breaking: New AI Can Lie, Gaslight and Mansplain; Is Elected President

The Flatypus — Mon, 25 Nov 2024 08:05:23 +0000

History took a turn and maybe not for the best, or not for the worst, analysts aren’t quite sure yet: the latest artificial intelligence, dubbed “MAGAtron”, has taken the entire world by storm. Built by a team of subversive rogue tech bros and funded by a suspiciously large donation from an unnamed social media tycoon (formerly Twitter), MAGAtron has perfected the trifecta of modern leadership…

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Breaking: Wrestling Enters Classroom in New Education Reform

The Flatypus — Fri, 22 Nov 2024 10:20:41 +0000

Education Gets Pinned The authorities’ latest move seems more inspired by a misguided midlife crisis than actual benevolence as professional wrestling has been introduced to the education system under the banner “Chokesmart and Brainbuster.” The initiative, touted as a revolutionary way to boost student engagement and discipline, blends academic lessons with the high-energy chaos of a wrestling ring. The premise is simple: if students won’t pay attention to lectures, maybe they’ll tune in when their…

Interview: White Man Doesn’t See the Problem with Patriarchy

The Flatypus — Mon, 11 Nov 2024 08:04:25 +0000

Local White Man Sets Record Straight, Confirms World’s Been Fine All Along Robert Brooks, 47, a white man describing himself as “more of a big-picture thinker”, bravely declared his steadfast belief that patriarchy is “probably blown out of proportion” and “not something we really need to be fussed about.” Speaking from his cushy leather armchair in the “man cave” he mostly furnished himself…

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Interview: White Man Doesn’t Believe in Systemic Racism

The Flatypus — Fri, 08 Nov 2024 08:53:53 +0000

“Systemic racism? Come on, buddy. That’s just a buzzword,” begins 47 year-old Robert Brooks, who swears he’s cracked the code on what he calls “this modern hysteria.” Robert is, in appearance, an average guy: khaki trousers, a fleece jacket and an arsenal of “facts” derived from his Facebook feed. Today, Robert wants the world to know that, despite mountains of evidence, systemic racism simply doesn’t exist. “It’s just the latest trend, isn’t it?” he scoffs,…

Breaking: Scientists Decrease Thermometers by 3 Degrees, Solve Climate Change

The Flatypus — Wed, 30 Oct 2024 14:14:28 +0000

Scientists worldwide have collectively agreed to lower thermometers by a cool 3 degrees Celsius, or 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, you read right: climate change, that annoying little apocalypse in the making, waiting around the corner, has finally been solved without any carbon tax or renewable energy. The answer? Just fiddle with the numbers. Dubbed “Thermal Savings…

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Local Man Refuses to Switch to Winter Time, Declares War on “Big Clock”

The Flatypus — Mon, 28 Oct 2024 14:56:49 +0000

This is an act of rebellion that nobody would have ever thought witnessing: Greg Allen, a 42-year-old accountant from Milwaukee, has announced that he will no longer be participating in the biannual ritual of adjusting clocks for Daylight Saving Time. While most Americans and Europeans set their clocks back last weekend, getting their hour back after trading it in the name of tradition and proven…

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Breaking: Ministry of Propaganda Declares 100% Approval Rating After Polling Themselves

The Flatypus — Thu, 17 Oct 2024 05:17:04 +0000

In a groundbreaking display of public confidence, the Ministry of Propaganda of a country who chose to remain anonymous announced today a flawless 100% approval rating for the current government. The survey, conducted internally by ministry officials, has been described as the “most accurate and unbiased poll ever conducted,” according to sources within the Ministry, most of which created the poll.

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Interview: God is Disappointed (and Kind of Over It)

The Flatypus — Thu, 03 Oct 2024 06:30:20 +0000

In a rare and slightly awkward celestial press conference, God, the Almighty Creator, agreed to sit down for an exclusive interview to address His ongoing thoughts about humanity and Earth in general. With over a few millennia of watching things unfold, it seems the divine patience has been pushed to its holy limit. “It’s not like I expected perfection,” God admitted, rubbing His temples as…

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