Let’s face it, mate: your girlfriend (or wife for those of you who followed this guide) is a certified smoke show, and you, well… you’re the human equivalent of a round of blue cheese. But don’t panic, you potato sack, because this guide is here to help you navigate life as the less-attractive half of a relationship without completely collapsing under the weight of your own mediocrity. Let’s get real: if you’re reading this, you’ve…

So, it’s 9 p.m. on a Tuesday night., you’re minding your own business scrolling through memes or half-watching some nonsense on Netflix when she hits you with the question. That question. “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” Let that sink in for a second, because it’s not just a question; it’s a test. A labyrinth of emotional landmines, a riddle, an enigma squished inside a pile of soil where apparently she…