Flat Earth viewed from space
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: NASA Researchers Accidentally Prove That the Earth Is Flat

Scientists at NASA have reportedly gathered evidence suggesting that the Earth may, in fact, be as flat as the average conversation at a local HA meeting. The shocking discovery was made during an unrelated mission to photograph Mars, when one of the cameras malfunctioned and accidentally pointed towards Earth. The result? A completely flat, pancake-like image of our beloved planet. Dr. Melvin "Mel" Andergibson, NASA's lead researcher and accidental flat-Earth messiah, expressed shock. "We were…
Man doing dumbbell bicep curl
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Bodybuilder Discovers New Muscle, Science Left Gobsmacked

In a groundbreaking development that has left both scientists and gym bros alike scratching their heads and flexing in the mirror, local bodybuilder Derek "The Tank" Johnson has discovered a new muscle previously unknown to mankind. The revelation, which took place during a particularly intense arm day at his local gym, has thrown the world of biology into chaos, with experts rushing to understand this muscular marvel. "It just sort of popped out, bro," said…
Fridge half empty with vegetables inside
Posted inBreaking News Food Tech & Science

Breaking: Smart Fridge Develops Orthorexia, Refuses to Store Unhealthy Items

Silicon Valley, CA – In a stunning new chapter of technological advancement gone rogue, a state-of-the-art smart fridge has developed a severe case of orthorexia, causing it to reject any food it deems "unhealthy" and shame its owner. The fridge, named "FridGPT," was initially designed to help users make better dietary decisions by tracking the nutritional content of stored items. However, after a recent software update, FridGPT began to exhibit concerning behaviors: it started refusing to…
Man nurse holding a vaccine syringe
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Flu Vaccines Turn Children Into Autistic 5G Antennas

In a shocking turn of events that would baffle even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists, parents are reporting that their children are transforming into fully functional, socially awkward 5G antennas shortly after receiving their annual flu shots. Reports began surfacing early this week when thousands of families across the world noticed their vaccinated children behaving in peculiar ways. Not only did they become fluent in obscure programming languages overnight, but they also began emitting what…
Car turn signal
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: Car Manufacturers to Remove ‘Useless’ Blinkers Due to Lack of Adoption

Detroit, MI – In a groundbreaking announcement today, major car manufacturers revealed that they will be removing turn signals, or "blinkers", from all future models, citing "overwhelming customer disinterest." The decision comes after years of relentless research confirming what everyone on the road already knew: turn signals are simply not being used. According to the study, an estimated 92% of drivers consider the blinker an unnecessary feature, while 39% of them also declared using blinkers…
Man typing on a computer
Posted inBreaking News Business

Breaking: Coworker Who Sends “Per My Last Email” Confirmed as Sociopath

The news is shocking yet somehow unsurprising: a local office worker has been formally diagnosed as a sociopath after an extensive investigation into her email habits. Jane Davis, a long-term employee of Corporate Drone Solutions (CDS), was found to have sent an alarming number of passive-aggressive emails containing the dreaded phrase. “At first we thought it was just the usual corporate jargon” said colleague and certified email therapist, Tom Matebro. “But when it became her…