judge looking in the camera in a judgemental way
Posted inBreaking News Relationships

Breaking: Scientists Reveal That ‘Brutally Honest’ People Are Just Rude

A groundbreaking study was released this week as a team of scientists has confirmed what the general public has suspected for years: people who proudly declare themselves “brutally honest” are, in fact, just plain rude. The revelation has sent shockwaves through friend groups, family gatherings and offices everywhere, leaving self-proclaimed "truth-tellers" scrambling to defend their unfiltered remarks about your appearance, lifestyle choices, and weight gain. The study, conducted over two years, observed hundreds of individuals…
Buddha Statue Near Trees
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Spirituality

Breaking: Man Meditates Once for 10 Minutes, Claims He’s the Buddha

Spiritual leaders are calling this "an unprecedented spiritual awakening." Dylan Breeze, 29, has proclaimed himself the reincarnation of Buddha following a rigorous 10-minute meditation session that took place on the yoga mat his ex-girlfriend forgot in his apartment. The groundbreaking enlightenment took place at precisely 9:17 a.m. Monday morning, according to Breeze’s Instagram feed. Breeze, who until recently held the distinguished position of “part-time dog walker and freelance lifestyle coach,” reportedly stumbled across the idea…
Man Adjusting Barbell Weights in Gym
Posted inBreaking News Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Local Gym in Disarray After Lifter Squats in the Curl Rack

Planet Gains, 8:32 AM — A bizarre and unprecedented act of gym anarchy shook Planet Gains Fitness Center this morning after traveling bro Trevor Winslow committed the unthinkable: performing squats in the rack - usually reserved for curls. The Planet Gains community has been thrown into an existential crisis, with several curl enthusiasts reporting symptoms of dizziness, arm fatigue and “severe respect issues.” According to eyewitness accounts, Winslow, an amateur powerlifter allegedly on a business…
Person in Black Pants and Black Sneakers on a treadmill
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Bodybuilder Loses Gains After Walking Too Fast

A tragedy took the fitness world by surprise when local bodybuilder and Instagram sensation Bryce Hutchins reported a mysterious total loss of gains after attempting what he called "a brisk walk." The gym community is in shock as the 240-pound mass of muscle dwindled down to what one horrified witness called "a bloke that probably drinks kale smoothies." The Dangers of Speeding Known for his unparalleled bench arch and for pressing your squat, Bryce felt…
Woman Holding White Book
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Relationships

Breaking News: Men Shocked to Discover Women Have Opinions Without Their Permission

Nobody could believe it and yet it is true - men across the nation have been left in shock as they get acquainted with the radical concept that women, indeed, have thoughts, opinions and voices that don't require male endorsement. This revelation, apparently as unexpected as the switch to daylight saving time, has shaken the foundations of conversation dynamics everywhere, leaving many men bewildered and asking themselves, "But… when did this start?" A Harrowing Reality…
White thermostat hanging on the wall
Posted inBreaking News Politics Tech & Science

Breaking: Scientists Decrease Thermometers by 3 Degrees, Solve Climate Change

Scientists worldwide have collectively agreed to lower thermometers by a cool 3 degrees Celsius, or 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, you read right: climate change, that annoying little apocalypse in the making, waiting around the corner, has finally been solved without any carbon tax or renewable energy. The answer? Just fiddle with the numbers. The Initiative Dubbed "Thermal Savings," this bold initiative is set to take effect in a few months, right on time for the…
Group of people in a conference room
Posted inBreaking News Business

Study Shows 90% of Meetings Could Have Been Emails

This new revelation is sure to disrupt office snack budgets nationwide - a groundbreaking new study has confirmed what we all suspected: 90% of workplace meetings could have easily been replaced by a simple email while 6 of the remaining 10% could have not happened altogether. The research, conducted by the International Labour Organization, finally sheds light on the ongoing mystery of why so many professionals spend their days trapped in soul-crushing rooms, nodding blankly…
Group of people in a conference room
Posted inBreaking News Business

Interview: Employee Always Chooses ‘Reply-All’

The ‘reply’ button exists for a reason and to this employee, the reason is "to be ignored." We had the privilege of sitting down with a true corporate maverick: Edward Macey, the only employee in his office brave enough to bless every single coworker’s inbox with his insightful emails, whether they asked for them or not. Edward’s commitment to replying to all is legendary, with his habit spanning from the smallest team update to company-wide…
Remote control held in front of a tv
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Dad Mistakes ‘Streaming’ for ‘Screaming,’ Spends Day Yelling at TV

Modern tech is tough and confusing, for some more than for others. Case in point, this local dad and part-time tech antagonist Mark Jones spent an entire Saturday yelling at his 55-inch Samsung Smart TV after misinterpreting his family's suggestion to "stream Netflix." A Misunderstanding Gone Wrong The 53-year-old father of three had been looking forward to a quiet weekend of binge-watching “classic” movies no one under 45 cares about, such as The Gods Must…
Woman meditating in lotus position
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Lifestyle

Woman Confuses ‘Mindfulness’ with ‘Mind Fullness,’ Memorizes Half of Wikipedia, Can’t Find Inner Peace

Experts are calling it "the most dedicated misunderstanding of all time": Jane Higgins has spent the last four years memorizing Wikipedia after confusing the concept of "mindfulness" with what she thought was "mind fullness." Instead of finding inner peace through meditation and awareness, she embarked on an exhausting mental binge that has brought her far from tranquility but left her capable of reciting the entire periodic table, listing every minor battle of the Napoleonic Wars…