Man Smiling While Holding Phone in Hands
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Man Cures Cancer by Posting ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ on Social Media

Experts have been left completely baffled as local hero Greg Jenkins reportedly achieved what was thought to be impossible: he eradicated cancer by sharing a heartfelt Facebook post offering his “thoughts and prayers.” The post is being credited with halting tumor growth worldwide and garnered a stunning 34 likes, 12 love reacts and one obligatory “praying hands” emoji, leaving the entire scientific community totally confused. A Miracle Status Update “I just felt like, you know,…
Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’
Posted inBreaking News History

Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’

Historians uncovered a groundbreaking twist as new evidence suggests that Christopher Columbus, the so-called "discoverer" of the Americas, didn’t set sail with lofty dreams of westwards exploration. Instead, it appears that the infamous voyage was a direct result of his neighbors bidding him to “get lost” after one too many unsolicited rants about spices. According to newly unearthed manuscripts, it turns out that Columbus was a notorious nuisance in his hometown of Genoa. Described in…
Fireworks
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

World Prepares to Ignore Same Resolutions for Another Year

As the clock and calendar are getting dangerously close to January 1st, midnight, billions of people worldwide are drafting eerily familiar lists of New Year’s resolutions, a.k.a. the exact same ones they’ve optimistically written, ignored and forgotten for more than a decade, as is tradition. From unrealistic fitness goals to improbable career changes, humanity is gearing up for its annual festival of ambition, denial and inevitable failure. The Universal Resolution Recycle: A Tradition of Futility…
Man in Santa Claus Costume
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

Breaking: Santa Confirms You’re on the Naughty List

As Christmas approaches, Santa Claus himself has confirmed that you, yes YOU, are officially on the Naughty List this year. The news broke earlier today when the big guy in red and white held a hastily arranged press conference at the North Pole, flanked by a squadron of grumpy elves and a visibly disappointed and judgemental Mrs. Claus. “After extensive surveillance and a thorough review of your behavior during the year 2024,” Santa announced while…
Man smiling with a thumbs up
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Relationships

Breaking: You’re An Asshole

Today marks the day of a not-so-groundbreaking revelation; what everyone has been suspecting for ages is now official: you're a top of the line, industrial-grade, vacuum-sealed, organic, USDA-approved asshole. Stop the Presses! Far from a plot-twist, this news is as shocking as discovering that water makes things wet or that politicians lie: you’ve officially been recognized for what you truly are. Researchers "discovered" what anyone with eyes, ears or half a brain-cell has known all…
man laughing
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

Breaking: Man Told to “Get Over It” Actually Gets Over It

Experts are calling this a once-in-a-millennium event: a 32-year-old man from Tallahassee, Florida, has defied the very laws of human stubbornness by actually “getting over it” after being told to do so. The groundbreaking achievement has taken therapists by surprise, fed toxic comment sections as well as passive-aggressive family dinners worldwide. The man, identified as Gavin Lovitz, reportedly accomplished this emotional miracle last Wednesday during a heated argument over something that was gotten over so…
White Angry Robot Toy on Round Black Table
Posted inBreaking News Politics

Breaking: New AI Can Lie, Gaslight and Mansplain; Is Elected President

History took a turn and maybe not for the best, or not for the worst, analysts aren't quite sure yet: the latest artificial intelligence, dubbed "MAGAtron", has taken the entire world by storm. Built by a team of subversive rogue tech bros and funded by a suspiciously large donation from an unnamed social media tycoon (formerly Twitter), MAGAtron has perfected the trifecta of modern leadership: lying, gaslighting and mansplaining. Propelled by its disproportionate ego, its…
Wrestler jumping on ring
Posted inBreaking News Education Politics

Breaking: Wrestling Enters Classroom in New Education Reform

Education Gets Pinned The authorities' latest move seems more inspired by a misguided midlife crisis than actual benevolence as professional wrestling has been introduced to the education system under the banner “Chokesmart and Brainbuster.” The initiative, touted as a revolutionary way to boost student engagement and discipline, blends academic lessons with the high-energy chaos of a wrestling ring. The premise is simple: if students won’t pay attention to lectures, maybe they’ll tune in when their…
judge looking in the camera in a judgemental way
Posted inBreaking News Relationships

Breaking: Scientists Reveal That ‘Brutally Honest’ People Are Just Rude

A groundbreaking study was released this week as a team of scientists has confirmed what the general public has suspected for years: people who proudly declare themselves “brutally honest” are, in fact, just plain rude. The revelation has sent shockwaves through friend groups, family gatherings and offices everywhere, leaving self-proclaimed "truth-tellers" scrambling to defend their unfiltered remarks about your appearance, lifestyle choices, and weight gain. The study, conducted over two years, observed hundreds of individuals…
Buddha Statue Near Trees
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Spirituality

Breaking: Man Meditates Once for 10 Minutes, Claims He’s the Buddha

Spiritual leaders are calling this "an unprecedented spiritual awakening." Dylan Breeze, 29, has proclaimed himself the reincarnation of Buddha following a rigorous 10-minute meditation session that took place on the yoga mat his ex-girlfriend forgot in his apartment. The groundbreaking enlightenment took place at precisely 9:17 a.m. Monday morning, according to Breeze’s Instagram feed. Breeze, who until recently held the distinguished position of “part-time dog walker and freelance lifestyle coach,” reportedly stumbled across the idea…