Breaking: Girlfriend Who Said “I’m Fine” Was Actually Fine
Posted inBreaking News Relationships

Breaking: Girlfriend Who Said “I’m Fine” Was Actually Fine

World leaders are considering convening an emergency summit while boyfriends everywhere are left trembling in uncertainty... A Catastrophic Breach in Relationship Protocol Around dinner time last night, a quiet suburban flat became ground zero for what experts are already calling “a seismic collapse in emotional subtext.” A 27-year-old woman reportedly said the phrase “I’m fine” and, for the first time in recorded history, was found to be actually, genuinely fine. Her boyfriend, a 28-year-old man…
Breaking: Office Worker Confuses Troubleshooting with Trouble-Shouting, Fixes Printer by Yelling at It
Posted inBreaking News Business Tech & Science

Breaking: Office Worker Confuses Troubleshooting with Trouble-Shouting, Fixes Printer by Yelling at It

Dave Edwards, a self-proclaimed “tech wizard”, has stunned his entire company and IT professionals worldwide by successfully fixing his office printer through the sheer power of aggravated shouting. Edwards, 43, who describes his computer literacy as “I watched the pilot of The IT Crowd, so above average,” had been wrestling with the office nemesis HP LaserJet for a few days already when, this morning, after 45 minutes of clicking random buttons and aggressively jabbing the…
Breaking: Computers Can Sense Tech Illiteracy, and They’re Judging You
Posted inBreaking News Tech & Science

Breaking: Computers Can Sense Tech Illiteracy, and They’re Judging You

Scientists made a groundbreaking revelation that surprised absolutely no one who has ever tried to explain the difference between “the Internet” and “Wi-Fi” to their parents, as they finally confirmed that computers can sense tech illiteracy and have had this ability since their inception. Worse yet, they are using this to prey on the less knowledgeable and bully them into submission. The Science Behind the Smug Machines Dr. Andrew Jefferson, head researcher, recently published his…
Breaking: Civil Unrest as Brits Realize That the Sky Is Blue After Rain Unexpectedly Stops
Posted inBreaking News

Breaking: Civil Unrest as Brits Realize That the Sky Is Blue After Rain Unexpectedly Stops

The United Kingdom fell in a global state of civil unrest yesterday as citizens were forced to confront a shocking revelation: the sky, as it turns out, is blue. This discovery came after an unseasonable break in the rain allowed a rare glimpse of what experts are tentatively calling "clear weather." The event has been described as "rude" by a devastating majority of the population. Reports of confusion started coming in early in the morning.…
Man Smiling While Holding Phone in Hands
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Man Cures Cancer by Posting ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ on Social Media

Experts have been left completely baffled as local hero Greg Jenkins reportedly achieved what was thought to be impossible: he eradicated cancer by sharing a heartfelt Facebook post offering his “thoughts and prayers.” The post is being credited with halting tumor growth worldwide and garnered a stunning 34 likes, 12 love reacts and one obligatory “praying hands” emoji, leaving the entire scientific community totally confused. A Miracle Status Update “I just felt like, you know,…
Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’
Posted inBreaking News History

Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’

Historians uncovered a groundbreaking twist as new evidence suggests that Christopher Columbus, the so-called "discoverer" of the Americas, didn’t set sail with lofty dreams of westwards exploration. Instead, it appears that the infamous voyage was a direct result of his neighbors bidding him to “get lost” after one too many unsolicited rants about spices. According to newly unearthed manuscripts, it turns out that Columbus was a notorious nuisance in his hometown of Genoa. Described in…
Fireworks
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

World Prepares to Ignore Same Resolutions for Another Year

As the clock and calendar are getting dangerously close to January 1st, midnight, billions of people worldwide are drafting eerily familiar lists of New Year’s resolutions, a.k.a. the exact same ones they’ve optimistically written, ignored and forgotten for more than a decade, as is tradition. From unrealistic fitness goals to improbable career changes, humanity is gearing up for its annual festival of ambition, denial and inevitable failure. The Universal Resolution Recycle: A Tradition of Futility…
Man in Santa Claus Costume
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

Breaking: Santa Confirms You’re on the Naughty List

As Christmas approaches, Santa Claus himself has confirmed that you, yes YOU, are officially on the Naughty List this year. The news broke earlier today when the big guy in red and white held a hastily arranged press conference at the North Pole, flanked by a squadron of grumpy elves and a visibly disappointed and judgemental Mrs. Claus. “After extensive surveillance and a thorough review of your behavior during the year 2024,” Santa announced while…
Man smiling with a thumbs up
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Relationships

Breaking: You’re An Asshole

Today marks the day of a not-so-groundbreaking revelation; what everyone has been suspecting for ages is now official: you're a top of the line, industrial-grade, vacuum-sealed, organic, USDA-approved asshole. Stop the Presses! Far from a plot-twist, this news is as shocking as discovering that water makes things wet or that politicians lie: you’ve officially been recognized for what you truly are. Researchers "discovered" what anyone with eyes, ears or half a brain-cell has known all…
man laughing
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

Breaking: Man Told to “Get Over It” Actually Gets Over It

Experts are calling this a once-in-a-millennium event: a 32-year-old man from Tallahassee, Florida, has defied the very laws of human stubbornness by actually “getting over it” after being told to do so. The groundbreaking achievement has taken therapists by surprise, fed toxic comment sections as well as passive-aggressive family dinners worldwide. The man, identified as Gavin Lovitz, reportedly accomplished this emotional miracle last Wednesday during a heated argument over something that was gotten over so…