Today marks the day of a not-so-groundbreaking revelation; what everyone has been suspecting for ages is now official: you’re a top of the line, industrial-grade, vacuum-sealed, organic, USDA-approved asshole.
Stop the Presses!
Far from a plot-twist, this news is as shocking as discovering that water makes things wet or that politicians lie: you’ve officially been recognized for what you truly are. Researchers “discovered” what anyone with eyes, ears or half a brain-cell has known all along: you’re a bona fide asshole. As they combed through your posts, dissected your behavior and interviewed everyone you’ve ever met, the conclusion was painfully obvious.
Dr. Sherryl Hancock, lead researcher confirms the results: “There’s no doubt possible. None. If anything, the evidence piled up faster than we could document it. At one point, the sheer volume of assholery was so overwhelming that we had to double-check we weren’t being punked.”
When asked how they can be so sure of the results, Dr. Hancock doesn’t leave it to chance: “Look, we’ve left no stone unturned, we’ve read all the posts, we’ve talked to all the people. Just hearing the name and there was a lot of sighing, eye-rolling and exasperated nods. Everyone was remarkably consistent in their assessment, which is rare. Usually, there’s some nuance. Not here. It was just pure, undiluted confirmation.”
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A Brief Timeline of Your Douchery
Dr. Hancock outlined for us the defining moments of your evolution to your peak over-9000 asshattery:
- Birth: You emerged, loudly inconveniencing everyone around you, screaming your lungs out of your wrinkly red face. An ominous sign of things to come.
- Childhood: Refused to share toys, kicked classmates in the shin, cried when you didn’t win and overall throwing temper tantrums whenever possible. Classic little turd behavior.
- Teenage Years: Perfected the art of sarcasm, backtalking and eye-rolling. Thought you were edgy, but mostly you were just cringe.
- Adulthood: Took everything from your birth on, added a touch of unwarranted confidence, and there you go: a fully matured, grade-A asshole.
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No Redemption
Dr. Hancock’s prognosis leaves little room for optimism. “Let’s not kid ourselves,” she states bluntly. “This isn’t a story of second chances or personal growth. There’s no uplifting montage, no tearful apology, and certainly no grand realization.”
The research consensus is clear: redemption is not on the horizon. Instead, you remain steadfast in what Dr. Hancock describes as a “stationary position in the realm of assholery — engine off, windows down, fully content with the fumes.”
“We didn’t find a tragic backstory or a misunderstood soul,” she continues. “What we uncovered was someone who has mastered the art of being insufferable for no discernible reason, with zero interest in self-improvement. Self-awareness? Absent. Regret? Nonexistent.”
For those hoping for a narrative twist or a path to redemption, the evidence offers no such comfort. As Dr. Hancock concludes, “This isn’t where you turn things around. This is where we collectively acknowledge, ‘Yep, still an asshole.”
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Can This Be Fixed?
The likelihood of change seems slim. While transformation is always theoretically possible, the data points to a consistent trend: a lack of self-awareness paired with a stubborn refusal to evolve. The most probable outcome? You’ll acknowledge this critique with a laugh, perhaps share it with friends or perhaps friends will share it with you, and you will dismiss it as a quirky personality trait.
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In the end, the findings are conclusive. You are, by all accounts, an asshole. Whether this realization prompts introspection or fuels your usual antics remains to be seen — but if patterns hold, the status quo is firmly in place, and growth isn’t part of the forecast.
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