Scientists worldwide have collectively agreed to lower thermometers by a cool 3 degrees Celsius, or 5.4 degrees Fahrenheit. Yes, you read right: climate change, that annoying little apocalypse in the making, waiting around the corner, has finally been solved without any carbon tax or renewable energy. The answer? Just fiddle with the numbers.
The Initiative
Dubbed “Thermal Savings,” this bold initiative is set to take effect in a few months, right on time for the first major heatwave. Dr. Hugh Jasz, head of the Thermal Wellness Advisory Taskforce (TWAT) and self-proclaimed “temperature evangelist,” proudly unveiled the plan at a press conference packed with climate scientists, oil executives and media moguls who all nodded approvingly while clutching ice-cold champagne.
“Data has repeatedly shown that temperatures were rising at an alarming rate all around the globe, pushing us into a climate crisis. But here’s the genius bit that we came up to,” Jasz explained, “Why not just lower the readings? It’s the same approach we’ve been successfully using with daylight savings. Twice a year, we all agree to fiddle with our clocks and pretend the time changed and guess what? Society hasn’t collapsed yet. Now, we’re just doing the same with thermometers. Drop it 3 degrees and the problem practically solves itself. Science: 1, planet: Uuuh… Also 1.”
In much the same way daylight savings lets us all pretend we get an “extra hour” of sunlight every year, Thermal Savings will convince the public that average temperatures have dropped, despite the actual temperature of the Earth continuing to climb. “It’s like a fresh pair of heating gloves for your brain,” Jasz added, sipping on an environmentally friendly paper straw, “A little bit of psychological sleight of hand never hurt anyone. Just like daylight savings, where we give ourselves the illusion of more light, here we’re gifting ourselves the illusion of less heat. It’s brilliant!”
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The World Reacts
Governments across the globe have jumped on the bandwagon faster than you can say “greenwashing,” with leaders hailing it as a “scientific masterstroke.” Countries are already implementing massive thermometer recalibration programs, costing taxpayers billions, while energy giants have committed to celebrating the initiative by lighting up their headquarters in green for a solid hour each month. “It’s a new dawn for climate policy,” proclaimed Roger Morel, head of Climatex, the consultancy firm paid handsomely to come up with this cutting-edge solution. “From now on, instead of fixing the environment, we’ll just fix our thermometers and, at the same time, our perception of it. The planet may still be in flames but at least now we can confidently say it’s a ‘chilly’ 22 degrees. Global warming? I don’t think so.”
Critics, of course, have questioned the wisdom of such a plan, pointing out that merely adjusting temperature readings doesn’t actually solve anything. These voices were however quickly dismissed as “downers” by project spokespersons. “Let’s face it,” Morel continued, “nobody actually likes the idea of fixing global warming if it means changing their lifestyles. The Amazon may still be on fire, the glaciers may still be melting and polar bears may still be clinging to dwindling icebergs, but as far as the thermometer – and, as a result, society – is concerned, we’re doing just fine. It’s the ultimate win-win.”
Adoption Increases
Following the announcement, world leaders scrambled to adopt the measure, each hoping to become the poster child of the “Thermal Savings” movement. Environmental departments have been advised to revise all recent temperature records and local weather stations have been instructed to shave off a few degrees as a show of goodwill. Rumor has it that the Celsius and Fahrenheit scales may be tweaked to give everyone a cozy “temperature rollback” effect.
In the wake of this revelation, a host of industries have started recalibrating their business models. Ski resorts are expecting an early Christmas boom, sunscreen sales are tanking, and bottled water companies are considering rebranding as “Eco-Chill” for that refreshing, climate-positive edge. “Thermal Savings is the best thing that happened to us since the invention of plastic” said Sandra Frost, CEO of the water bottling conglomerate Glacier Spring. “Just like when we ‘gain’ an hour every autumn, now we’re ‘gaining’ some extra degrees of chill in the atmosphere. It’s unbelievable how nobody thought of simply rebranding temperature earlier. So much time and money has been wasted for environmental reforms, imagine where we would be if we had changed earlier!”
Meanwhile, meteorologists have been thrown into chaos, as their profession now depends more on marketing than measurement. “I never thought my job would involve so much psychology,” sighed Rick Spattle, a weatherman from Phoenix. “But I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles. At the end of the day, people will believe anything – as long as it’s not inconvenient.”
As the Earth continues to warm up, one thing’s for certain: we may not be any cooler, but our thermometers will forever remind us that denial isn’t just a river in Egypt.
