Dave Edwards, a self-proclaimed “tech wizard”, has stunned his entire company and IT professionals worldwide by successfully fixing his office printer through the sheer power of aggravated shouting.
Edwards, 43, who describes his computer literacy as “I watched the pilot of The IT Crowd, so above average,” had been wrestling with the office nemesis HP LaserJet for a few days already when, this morning, after 45 minutes of clicking random buttons and aggressively jabbing the power switch in repeated attempts to turn it off and on again, he reached his breaking point and resorted to high-decibel troubleshooting—now widely referred to as “trouble-shouting.”
A Revolutionary Approach to IT Support
Eyewitnesses confirm that Edwards’ technique involved a progressive escalation of verbal abuse, starting with exasperated sighs evolving to muttering insults under his breath before moving on to gritted-teeth threats and ultimately culminating in a full-volume, vein-popping burst-out that decency prevents us from reporting.
To the shock of everybody present, the printer was seemingly overwhelmed by the verbal aggression and miraculously began printing the 1437 pages that had been stuck in the queue since it seemingly went on strike 3 weeks before. Rumors have it that the printer started proactively printing random documents as a sign of unconditional surrender.
“It was loudly beautiful,” said Phil from HR. “Like watching a caveman discover fire. Except instead of fire, it was just good old Dave screaming a rebellious piece of office equipment into submission.”
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Tech Experts Weigh In
Leading IT specialists have expressed both admiration and confusion at this unprecedented fix. Dr. Lena Kensington, a senior technology consultant, admitted:
“We’ve spent years training people in logical, step-by-step troubleshooting. Turns out, we could have just told them to scream obscenities until the machine submits. Frankly, this is a game-changer.”
Edwards himself remains humble about his groundbreaking discovery. “I’ve always known that most technology is just a patchwork of stubborn pieces of crap,” he explained, while wiping sweat from his forehead. “You just have to assert dominance. Show the machine who’s boss, right?”
Read also: Interview: Man Asserts Dominance by Refusing to Read the Instructions
A Dangerous Precedent
The event has sparked fears of a trouble-shouting epidemic as reports of people attempting similar techniques on unresponsive WiFi routers, frozen laptops and even malfunctioning coffee machines are slowly emerging. Government officials are monitoring the situation and warn that this newfound tactic could lead to severe workplace noise pollution and nationwide sore throats.
While it remains to be seen whether this technique will become standard practice or not, one thing is certain: Dave Edwards has become the proverbial Sisyphus of his office folklore. Indeed, at press time, Dave has been promoted to “IT Guy honoris causa” by his colleagues, meaning he is now doomed to spend the rest of his career fixing everyone’s computer problems, whether he likes it or not.
Read also: Guide: How to Get out of People Asking You to Fix Their Computer Issues
The Future of IT Support?
In response to Edwards’ success, universities are rapidly updating their Computer Science curriculums to include new mandatory courses such as “High-Decibel Debugging,” “Advanced Yelling Techniques” and “Insult-Oriented Programming.”
Meanwhile, IT departments are slowly being equipped with safety earmuffs and have overhauled their hiring processes, introducing shouting proficiency tests during interviews. Candidates must now demonstrate their ability to berate a malfunctioning device with increasing intensity, with extra points awarded for creative expletive usage and maintaining volume above 90 decibels for extended periods of time.
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