September 2024 – Nationwide Emergency Declared Over Unchecked Joy
In the biggest public health crisis since the pandemic, the nation finds itself spiraling into chaos as an alarming number of citizens report unprecedented levels of happiness. The culprit? Carbohydrates.
According to a groundbreaking study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, carb-heavy foods like bread, pasta and potatoes have been directly linked to heightened levels of joy and contentment. Some have even reported “feeling good about life.” In one word: dreadful.
Government officials are working hard to address what some experts are already calling the “new pandemic.” A stern press release from the National Health Service outlined the severity of the situation: “Carbs have long been vilified for their supposed role in weight gain and general sluggishness, but this new revelation – that they can actually induce happiness – is far more alarming. The public must be warned!”
Public Reactions: Panic and Despair
Reports of spontaneous laughter and carefree living have caused widespread panic. “I ate a slice of pizza last week and suddenly I stopped worrying about my mortgage,” said Gary Rodriguez, a local man in visible distress. “I even caught myself smiling on the way to work. I don’t understand what’s going on!”
Worse yet: grocery stores are facing mass hoarding of carb-heavy foods. Entire aisles of bread and pasta have been decimated, leaving only the sad, low-carb and often gluten-free alternatives that taste like cardboard on a good day.
Government Intervention: A Plan to Restore Balance
In response, the government is considering a new lockdown aiming to restrict access to any foodstuff that contains more than 5 grams of carbs per serving. Health experts are urging citizens to return to safer, more miserable alternatives like kale chips and air.
“We’re doing this to protect the nation,” said Registered Nutritionist Killian Joyfield in an emergency press conference. “A happy population is a distracted population. If people continue to eat carbs, we might lose our ability to be annoyed by traffic, irritated by the weather and stressed out by absolutely everything.”
As part of the emergency measures, a hotline has been set up for citizens to report neighbors suspected of carb-induced happiness. Early reports indicate that several households in Middle America were found giggling uncontrollably after enjoying a serving of mashed potatoes.
A Bleak Future
Experts warn that the road ahead is depressing, long and filled with kale. “We need to remember the importance of living with constant anxiety and guilt,” said Dr. Eva Kilmore, an outspoken anti-carb activist. “Carbs may make us happy now, but at what cost? A content and joyful populace is the greatest threat to societal norms. If we allow this to continue, who knows what’s next? People might start liking Mondays!”
As the nation braces for more regulation, citizens are urged to exercise caution, avoid pizza and think twice before getting that second slice of bread. Happiness is, after all, the last thing anyone wants.
